Quoc’s Web Journal

“Being a real man is choosing to deal with my anxieties in a healthy manner.” That came fresh out of my ears passed on from a wonderful friend of mine… Makes sense to me…

Feeling like an orphan… I practically pleaded with my baby sister to consider hanging out with me in the next week or so… I told her I would burst into tears if I didn’t get to see her soon… I am sooo homesick… There is no home to go to… My heart is aching and breaking again… I don’t quite know how to mend this… I really really miss Mom… Something feels really really empty and sad…

I could either adapt or do self-destructive, self loathing and not so self healthy things… It could be as simple as depriving myself of sleep; gormandizing myself on food; acting out sexually; not letting people get closer to me than just arms length… I don’t want to adapt and create a new family… I want my family back and cracking jokes in chinese and laughing til tears streamed down all of our faces and having good home cooked food at home… and just just… BEING HOME…

I feel homeless… family-less… lost because this year I don’t get to experience what I have had for over 27 years of my life, the nurture, care, love and knowledge of my Mom and family’s presence… It seems extinguished…

Nevertheless, I continue trudging, doing stepwork… Today, I tackled “people pleasing and perfectionism.” Yeah, big big ones!!! I get to work on self pleasing and self loving and moderation and progress and appreciating the process and seeing self as no better than anyone else and therefore not subject myself to a higher standard of emotional capability to manage challenging situations or expect perfection doing things for the first time…

I need help… This is going to be a challenging holiday season… It’s a month away from being over… I will stay vigilant… I need your help… I need your love… I need your support… I ask for your help, love, and support…

Melancholy just for now, but willing to change slowly… feel the feelings, but stay in action and progress….

Quoc

“DO I LOVE YOU ENOUGH TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR AND NOT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?” OR AM I SOOO AFRAID OF YOUR JUDGING ME THAT I AM WILLING TO WATCH YOU WALK INTO THE PITFALLS OF LIFE THAT I SEE FROM AN OUTSIDE PERSPECTIVE?

Do you love me enough to tell me what I need to hear and not be selfish, disengenuious and fearful and tell me what I want to hear?

“I HOPE THAT ONE DAY I AM BRAVE AND COURAGEOUS ENOUGH AND LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH TO ASK FOR WHAT I WANT, WHAT I LIKE, WHAT I DESIRE IN THE BED CHAMBERS.” I have been subjecting self to behavior that I don’t like, but I don’t love self enough to speak up and share honestly about what is ok with me and what is not for fear that you won’t want me… Then all of a sudden my diseased mind will tell me that if I share honestly, that person will not want to be with me and leave me and worst yet, this person who may leave me is the last person I will ever be with… Am I willing to ask God for help in not believing this false story that I tell myself when I am intimate with you?

Ask me if you want to know what I like and don’t like… Allow me the opportunity to practice sharing and expressing myself honestly… to be genuine, authentic and let those who appreciate the authentic me into my life…

More growth… I hope I am willing to fill this new space that God has helped me create…

Quoc

Gotta be brief… It’s late… I am tired… There is still much to do… Wanted to check in with you lovely people! Here is a brief debrief:

Had a really depressing Thanksgiving… I slept 1/2 of it away… I spent the rest of the afternoon at a couple recovery houses then at the West Hollywood Recovery Center… and concluded the evening with my regular meeting at the recovery house. That makes 10 hours spent with my adopted fellowship family. No natal family celebration… It was most difficult celebrating my first Thanksgiving without any of my natal family members…

I have been acting out sexually… It has not been healthy… I have been placing self and others at risk… I am glad I caught that and got back to basics of praying twice a day; throwing self harder into helping another recovering member; doing stepwork; going to meetings; really staying active while at my meetings; and saying yes to any recovery related request so as to quiet the imperious urge to answer that call of desire for insatiable sex to just numb out… I think I am ok again…

This weekend, my visit with the therapist yielded the conclusion that I am afraid of people getting close to me because you’d abandon me… I am learning to redefine and rediscover who I am without my Mother there and honoring my feelings and intuitive feelings and thoughts and experiences… I doubt my ability to be of service rather that anything I conjure up in my head will be damaging… I am no longer that newcomer that knows nothing about recovery…. I do have experience about how to manage a host of challenging issues in life, from grief, to job searching, to romance, to interpersonal relations at work and in my personal life… I know what action needs to take place in order to stay clean, serene, and spiritually fit one more day… These are just a few of the invaluable experiences that I can share… Alas, I doubt my ability to articulate it in a fashion that would be beneficial to the party that is asking for help or may need that pointer…

I withdraw from speaking from my heart for fear of being judged or fear of causing harm rather than help… There is a lot of insecurity going on…

Part of it is the Holiday season without the family… Another part is my continued growth through the steps… Another part is the change in responsibilities with my job… Another is my challenges in playing the dating and mating game… Argh… I am sooo green!!!

God says I am exactly where I am supposed to be and that I have grown from each experience and that makes each experience no matter how painful or undesirable to have merit… I hopefully will not repeat that action that is harmful to self and others and also find that I may repeat some things that are helpful, hopeful, and loving to self and others…

I have been “disconnected” and “distant.” My sponsor suggests that I stay vigilant. I understand… To my friends and family, thank you for your phone calls and e-mails and thoughts and prayers and just good vibes… I am receiving them… I need them… I am thankful I have the opportunity to receive and accept the love you offer me and I hope you will be patient with me in accepting and embracing the love and appreciation that I have for each and everyone of you…

I am not doing anything perfectly… There are people that I owe amends to because I haven’t called them; and they have been nothing but completely there for me when I needed them the most… Thank you for your patience…

I will keep you posted with more… I am doing ok today… I want to give back to the world… I want that peace of mind within myself knowing that I have been of service and of value to someone somewhere each and everyday…

Just here,

Quoc

So, what an amazing past week… The daily prayers that I have been making in conjunction with willingness to stay in action and do the footwork has afforded me the opportunity to really live a life not just surrounding recovery… I had the privilege of going out to dinner with a co-worker out in Pasadena… That was lovely! Then, I got to go dancing with my lovely friend at a straight club Friday evening… Then, I got to go to a party with a date and spend the night with him… Then I woke to go hang out with a sober friend; we had breakfast, chatted, watched Harry Potter at the theater in Universal City, then headed into Universal Studios and spent the beautiful afternoon riding Jurassic Park and The Mummy Ride…. It was nice…

I have managed to squeeze all this into my recovery and not the other way around… It is suggested that I squeeze my life into my recovery and not my recovery into my life, for it is recovery that has brought me the life and all its blessings.

There have been a couple challenges that I have been facing in the past week… One is trying to remember the perfection of my progress…. My therapist and I worked on discovering my fear of being less than perfect. I have this false belief that I am damaged goods… I strive to do everything perfect the first time, because failing to project perfection in my relationship with my family, my performance at work, my performance in bed with someone, my performance with being a sponsor and sponsee, ad infinitum…. you will discover the truth of what I believe I am… DAMAGED GOODS.

That is why I am sooo fearful of making a mistake; you’ll see me as a mistake. That is why I am afraid of doing stupid things; you’ll see me as stupid. So, in recovery, one gets to uncover, discover, discard the defects and recover the assets. I am in the uncover stages. There is much work to be done in resolving this false sense of self that I have identified with for sooo many years. Perhaps, I will never be rid of this negative self chatter…

As you probably know, I have been trying my luck with the dating and mating ritual… It has been fun… Alas, I made a big mistake a couple nights ago. Suffice it to say, I discovered yet more character defects which gave me permission to place myself in a position of doing something I did not enjoy, settle for no reciprocation of affection, place self at risk of long term physical harm to my already compromised immune system and see my self worth as less than that of the person I was spending time with.

I am sooo immature and new to this whole dating and mating game… I am still exhibiting old behavior with matters of sex and relationships… I am not walking into the relationship as a whole person in search of someone to share with, rather someone fragmented looking for someone to complete me. I will pray for an answer and help with what I need to do with this matter.

What is suggested in the Big Book is when sex relations becomes a problem, I throw myself harder into helping another person… I get out of self and get into being selfless and service work… I work harder in doing stepwork and completing the 12 steps… I want to get to step 12 so that I do have that “spiritual awakening” as a result of having completed all 12 steps! How can I expect full recovery if I haven’t received the full treatment for this spiritual malady, obsession of the mind, and physical powerlessness over matters of that disease that yearns for self-loathing, self destruction, misery, selfishness, victimhood, and blaming the world for the woes of my life then hating myself for being weak and feable willed.

So, tonight I affirm and commit to doing more of my stepwork, then committing to spending my energy exercising at the gym, and of course continue my daily routine of going to meetings, making my phone calls, gratitude list, proud of self list, prayer, meditation, willingness to reach for my potential as a sponsor and sponsee, surround self with winners, continue with the attitude of gratitude… Be gentle with myself; know that I will make mistakes, and to remember as my sponsor says, “what’s done is done with.” Don’t do it again and move forward from this point forth with the lesson that I learned. Take the contrary action next time…

Phew… Pray for me folks… Share your stories with me… Call me… Circle your wagons around me and love me until I can love myself… Please ask for help so I can stay sober by being of service to you… Allow me to express my love to you so I may see that I have it within myself to love others…

With gratitude for one more day clean, serene, and sane,

Quoc

For those interested, here is the poem that I read at Roland’s memorial on Saturday, November 12, 2005… Please pass this information to those who asked for a copy of this poem:

“So, I was asked to find a poem that is appropriate to read for this memorial… My prayer was answered with finding the following poem… It is not quite a poem for Roland; rather, it is a message from him to you… So, imagine this as a message that I am conveying in Roland’s stead…

TO MY DEAREST FAMILY;

SOME THINGS I’D LIKE TO SAY
BUT FIRST OF ALL TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT I ARRIVED OKAY

I’M WRITING THIS FROM HEAVEN
WHERE I DWELL WITH GOD ABOVE
WHERE THERE’S NO MORE TEARS OR SADNESS
THERE IS JUST ETERNAL LOVE

PLEASE DO NOT BE UNHAPPY
JUST BECUASE I’M OUT OF SIGHT
REMEMBER THAT I’M WITH YOU
EVERY MORNING, NOON AND NIGHT

THAT DAY I HAD TO LEAVE YOU
WHEN MY LIFE ON EARTH WAS THROUGH
GOD PICKED ME UP AND HUGGED ME
AND HE SAID, “I WELCOME YOU; IT’S GOOD TO HAVE
YOU BACK AGAIN.”
YOU WERE MISSED WHILE YOU WERE GONE

AS FOR YOUR DEAREST FAMILY
THEY’LL BE HERE LATER ON
I NEED YOU HERE SO BADLY
AS A PART OF MY BIG PLAN

THERE’S SO MUCH THAT WE HAVE TO DO
TO HELP OUR MORTAL MAN
THEN GOD GAVE ME A LIST OF THINGS
HE WISHED FOR ME TO DO

AND FOREMOST ON THAT LIST OF MINE
IS TO WATCH AND CARE FOR YOU
AND I WILL BE BESIDE YOU
EVERY DAY, EVERY WEEK, EVERY YEAR

AND WHEN YOU’RE SAD,
I’M STANDING THERE
TO WIPE AWAY THE TEAR

AND WHEN YOU LIE IN BED AT NIGHT
THE DAYS CHORES PUT TO FLIGHT
GOD AND I ARE CLOSEST TO YOU
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

WHEN YOU THINK OF MY LIFE ON EARTH
AND ALL THOSE LOVING YEARS
BECAUSE YOU’RE ONLY HUMAN
THEY ARE BOUND TO BRING YOU TEARS

BUT TO NOT BE AFRAID TO CRY
IT DOES RELIEVE THE PAIN
REMEMBER THERE WOULD BE NO FLOWERS
UNLESS THERE WAS SOME RAIN

THERE ARE ROCKY ROADS AHEAD OF YOU
AND MANY HILLS TO CLIMB
BUT TOGETHER WE CAN DO IT
TAKING IT ONE DAY AT A TIME

IT WAS ALWAYS MY PHILOSOPHY
AND I’D LIKE IT FOR YOU TOO
THAT AS YOU GIVE UNTO THE WORLD
SO THE WORLD WILL GIVE TO YOU

IF YOU CAN HELP SOMEBODY
WHO IS IN SORROW OR IN PAIN
THEN YOU CAN SAY TO GOD AT NIGHT
MY DAY WAS NOT IN VAIN

AND NOW I AM CONTENTED
THAT MY LIFE WAS WORTHWHILE
KNOWING AS I PASSED ALONG THE WAY
I MADE SOMEONE SMILE

SO IF YOU MEET SOMEBODY
WHO IS FEELING DOWN AND LOW
JUST LEND A HAND TO PICK HIM UP
AS ON YOUR WAY YOU GO

WHEN YOU ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET
AND YOU’VE GOT ME ON YOUR MIND
I’M WALKING IN YOUR FOOTSTEPS
ONLY HALF A STEP BEHIND

AND WHEN YOU FEEL THE GENTLE BREEZE
OR THE WIND UPON YOUR FACE
THAT’S ME GIVING YOU A GREAT BIG HUG
OR JUST A SOFT EMBRACE

AND WHEN IT’S TIME FOR YOU TO GO
FROM THAT BODY TO BE FREE
REMEMBER YOU’RE NOT GOING
YOU ARE COMING HERE TO ME

AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
FROM THAT LAND WAY UP ABOVE
WILL BE IN TOUCH AGAIN SOON

PS – GOD SENDS HIS LOVE

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Roland… you may have passed, but your legacy lives on forever in the hearts and lives of those you have touched. One of those blessed individuals is myself. I am honored to have been your friend and pray that you find peace and a greater purpose in God’s world. Thank you.”

Roland had the refreshments commitment at the Friday night Home group recovery meeting; he brought the cookies and flavored fizzy drinks. He would always personally give me a fizzy drink, grapefruit or orange flavor he would ask… Then give me a big long warm hug and peck on the lips… He has these very rosey cheeks…. Always sharp dresser, drove a jaguar, but that never took away from his being of service, showing up for commitments, staying sober for a year, making at least one phone call a week to me to share his gratitude for my being in his life and a week before his life was taken away by another alcoholic…

I will never forget seeing him at the Thursday night (10/20/05) meeting in the North Hollywood that I was asked to speak at… I had just seen him take a cake that past Friday (10/14/05) and Monday (10/17/05)… He got out of his car, I saw him in his suspenders and gave and got a great big hug from him… I typically see him once a week, but this particular week, I got to see him 2 more times and also see him take a cake for 1 year clean and sober a couple times…. Thursday evening, October 20, 2005 was the last time I saw him; if I had known, I would have held him that much longer…

I get reminded once again how pulchritudinous life is… I remember that in this given moment and remember to appreciate it… I want the following song played at my memorial: “Friends a friends forever… if the Lord’s a Lord of them…”

Humbled and honored to have been Roland’s friend;

Quoc