Quoc’s Web Journal

(sings…)

Happy Birthday to you…
Happy Birthday to you…
Happy Birthday dear Brad…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!

I love you Brad… May all your birthday wishes come true…

Hope all continues going well in Chicago!!!

Muah!

Quoc

December 2006 in review… (NOTE: GIVEN THE FACT THAT I AM NOT IN THE MOST POSITIVE AND OPTIMISTIC FRAME OF MIND)

Positive:

- learned a lot
- paid a REAL 12 step call to a friend
- made a wonderful friend in the rooms (quickly becoming a best friend)
- turned 6 months clean & sober
- no sex with anyone for a couple months!
- Reached out and asked for help! And shared at meetings…
- Lots of fun and laughs
- Great opportunities to learn to set boundaries and say no and be a good manager and friend… etc…

Negative:

- went through hell with Director of my workplace
- deceived by Interim Director on Training Manager job offer… influenced by a few of core management team at my workplace…
- shortchanged my sobriety by placing work first and it didn’t pay off!!!
- No sex with anyone for over a couple months!
- Grieved lack of parents for the holidays
- Felt sad and abandoned by sisters for holidays
- Frustrated with living paycheck to paycheck
- Frustration for having romantic feelings toward people I shouldn’t be having feelings toward… Thankfully, I have not acted on them. That action states my intention. I am proud of self.
- Frustration for having a sofa that is too big for my studio
- Frustration with having such a messy place!
- Frustration for my apathy and procrastination and sleeping too much without feeling like I am rested!
- Frustration thinking I have acute depression from circumstances around me.
- Frustration for this lengthy period of time where I am in emotional turmoil and pain.
- Saddened and disappointed that I barely have enough for minimal savings let alone any trip to Hawaii or anywhere else… ?
- I tipped 154 lbs and feel every ounce of my overweight body!

YEAR IN REVIEW:
- Dad passing away
- Relapsing
- Still stalling and delaying my stepwork
- Challenges of new manager position that is very very challenging!
- STD scare and legitimate STD dx and tx
- Grieving over the holidays
- Feeling abandoned during holidays
- Challenges in December with abusive Boss at work
- Disappointment of not getting training manager position
- Disappointment of not getting a raise!
- Frustrations with finances… having what I need, but wanting some desires met…
- Losing my commitment on AALA committee
- Putting people at direct risk for being exposed/infected with HIV
- My focus is clearly on the downfalls and sadness and challenges in 2006 vs. seeing the accomplishments…
- Promoted from PCRS Manager to ATS/MWC Program Manager
- Coming back from relapsing and staying
- Being a great manager
- Not beating self up for mistakes made
- Really getting honest with my feelings
- Living life that recovery has given me… and having fun making friends with Aaron and going out and enjoying self…
- Moving to my own place…

These are a few highlights of the past year… I know there are a lot more… Thought I would take a moment and highlight some of them!

Quoc

Let this be the first and last day that I live in deep negativity… in the lacking… and absolve, resolve and affirm and take action to ascertain and seize, wealth, abundance financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

As of today, my total accumulated savings in cash (in the bank, in my wallet) equals negative forty four cents. Yes, all bills are paid and everything that needs to be paid is taken care of… and yes, I don’t have the luxury of doing simple fun activities such as going to a musical, going to the movies, going on a nice dinner, and just spending some fun money… I AM TIRED OF LIVING PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK, BEING MINDFUL OF EVERY PENNY THAT ENTERS AND LEAVES MY POCKET…

I spent all day at home… I have been spending a lot of time in bed since hearing about the news about the status of the Training Manager’s position on Friday, December 29, 2006. Yes, the position was NOT offered to me. This was the last bad news for the month of December and for 2006!!! May 2007 bring in a different energy!!! This week, I have been on vacation. I haven’t really been neglected. I have been counting on the kindness of my friends and my baby sister to help out with expenditures to enjoy my time off. Otherwise, I would be stuck at home for the full week. This is not to say that I haven’t spent a lot of this past week sleeping… I believe I am experiencing acute circumstantial depression…

This is why I haven’t really taken a moment to blog… The new year brought me to my sponsor’s party at his home… I got some good news and rejuvenating news that I just don’t know what is in store for me. That whatever is happening right now is truly not by mistake. That there is a bigger scope to this story than I am seeing… It’s like me driving at night with my headlights on… All I am seeing is about 30 feet in front of me. There is a lot more down the path. I just don’t see it… What I get to do is trust that God is taking care of me.

Here are some pictures to share with you… I need to figure out a better way to share pictures with you… There are great and fun memories… This has been quite a year, quite a week, quite a day…

I pray that I get over this hump I am in… I pray that I walk through the doors that are open and continue to say yes to life and seize and ingest every bit of potential that I have to be successful… Right now, I am getting over hurting, being sad, frustrated, angry, disappointed and relieved that I get to feel all these things without getting high and without committing an act that is other or self sabotaging.

I can’t…. We can…

Quoc