Quoc’s Web Journal

Dear Son,

I am writing to let you know that I received your letter.  Mom and I are doing well.  You’d think they would have a big casino up here where everyone is gambling, but that isn’t the case.  I spend most of my time watching you, Chin and Judy.  I am so proud of all of you.  That is how I had the peace of mind to finally let go; because I knew that my children are old enough to take care of themselves.

 You know I am not a man of many words son.  Even up here in heaven, I continue to remain this way.  Some things just never change.  So, you asked what you can do to make our relationship right again.  Well, keep doing what you are doing and be a good son to us by being the best Brother you can be to your sisters.  Show up for them, love them and support them.

Son, I am glad that you took time to make amends to me this past weekend.  I knew you thought it meaningless to make amends to me as I wasn’t around to respond.  Because you continue to trust the process, you leave a conduit of miracles and open channel between those who love you on earth and in heaven. 

Did you hear and see the response I gave you to make our relationship right again?  You went and visited your Sis’ and Micol.  In doing that you got the answer that I want more than anything else in the world Son.  Make this relationship right by honoring your Sister’s request and my request…  On her wedding day, please stand in my place and give my precious daughter away to her to be husband.  Make Mom and me proud by continuing to show up and being supportive of our family.  Thank you for being a good Son.  Let Chin and Judy know how proud of them I am of them…  How I do watch what they are doing and continue to support them in everything they do. 

Son, thank you for sharing what you have been sharing at meetings.  Both Mom and myself were there this past Sunday morning when you spoke at the Log Cabin AA meeting.  You touched so many people who are grieving and didn’t know what to do about it.  You shared about the gift of sobriety and doing the work of sobriety and the consequences of that: getting to show up and support Mom in her passing; support me and give me peace of mind as I drifted into the sleep that I won’t awaken from that broken body I left; seeing the gift of being HIV positive by getting to speak from personal experience on the needs of prevention and education of HIV as a Trainer for the State; finding pride in being asian and being a role model for those few asians who are in recovery and feel alone and isolated; finding gratitude in being in recovery as it gives you the opportunity to have a second chance at living the life that God and you originally intended on living. 

Son, thank you for sharing this past Monday at your favorite meeting of Cocaine Anonymous…  In your sharing about all of the above, you were able to reach the part of souls that some individuals weren’t able to reach in their ability to let their feelings come out.  I heard that gentleman share to you about the fact that he hasn’t cried in decades and here your story was inspirational enough to draw a tear out of him during the meeting.  His first tear he has shed!  You gave him permission to see that crying makes for a better man rather than a weak man.

Please honor and respect your ability to share your story.  Please remember to reach out to those who are grieving.  Please help and guide them to walk down a path that is similar to yours.  Love them as they loved you when you grieved over the loss of Mom and me…  Continue to enjoy life son.

I am a simple man with few pleasures.  You know one of them is the pleasure of getting to be the Father to three of the best kids a Father could ever have: Chin, Judy, and Quoc.  I love my family…  All of them.  Love them in my place by expressing your love everytime you have an opportunity to be with them.

These are some of the things that I ask of you in making this relationship right.  Stay in touch.  Visit Mom on Mother’s Day…. Visit me on Father’s day.  On all those other day’s, live it as though it were the last and embrace every moment that you are given…

Son, be mindful that you can live with this disease with the tools of recovery, or die from this disease if you forget to take your recovery medicine daily.  Let me know if there is anything you need and want from me.

Son, I am sorry I never got to tell you or any of your sisters…  I am so sorry for anything I have done to harm you.  I forgive you for anything you feel you may have done to harm me.  I am proud of you for everything you have accomplished and continue to accomplish.  I love you.

Always in your heart and embracing  your spirit,

Daddy (Quang Lam)

This past weekend, I have been blessed with abundant life…  First I got to wake up Sunday to go to a morning meeting at 8AM.  I kinda figured I would have a long day and wouldn’t have a chance to go to a meeting later in the day.  After the meeting I got to go to a dear friend’s going away party and birthday party in one.  He is a very affluent individual and I am very honored to be included in this gathering as one of his friends. 

After that I got to make amends to my Father by dead letter.  I brought the amends letter I wrote a week ago along with a couple pictures… One of them was of Dad holding Mom’s hand when he went to visit her at the hospital up in UCLA.  The other picture was of all five of us surrounding Mom.  It was one of our last pictures as a whole family. 

Upon arriving to Rose Hills and the guidance of my sister and a map of the grounds, I was able to find Dad’s resting place.  It took me about thirty to forty minutes.  In searching for Dad, I noticed there were sooo many loved ones that have past away, young and old, brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, grandmothers and grandfathers… friends… Wow!  In a world full of so much abundance, I am standing in an area where there have been so many moments of grief from the loss of a loved one.  It was a somber mood.

I finally found Dad’s resting place.  I cleaned Dad’s stone up a little…  There was dried mud that bled onto his stone.  I place the pictures below his stone, and read the amends letter to him.  I gave him an update of everyone’s life… It was very conversational… I then got down to business and read my amends letter to him.  The thing that hit home the most was when I was reading that “it is my intention NOT to repeat these actions” that were damaging to the relationship with him and other family members again.  In doing that I felt reaffirmed that I am doing a good job being a brother and contributing member of the family, my nuclear family and the AA family.  I felt proud of myself in honoring my promise to Dad.

I lit the letter and watched it burn… I watched the ashes form as the smoke flew into the heavens.  I imagined Dad physically holding the letter I had just written to him in heaven as it dissipated from this world and reappeared somewhere out there where Dad and Mom are receiving these letters.

It started raining.  That was time for me to go home…  I went over to visit with my sis and her fiancé.  We had a good talk in catching up with each others lives.  The really special part was getting to be a part of the discussion of their plans to get married: the wedding and the reception.  Just getting to be a part of the conversation is a deep honor let alone some of the other ideas that were bouncing around about what role I will be playing in the wedding ceremonies.  There is a part of me that doesn’t feel worthy of the gift. 

I continued to maintain my humility and not be so arrogant as to tell God what I feel I am worthy of and what I am not.  Clearly if I got what I wished, I would be a pretty miserable guy because I tend to be so self-loathing and self-deprocating.  Certainly these are some remnants of those parts of me that I continue to learn to place on the side-lines.  I like myself a lot more; I think of myself a lot more; I enjoy my own company a lot more alone and with other people.

Time came for me to got home in preparation for the next adventure; getting to go to another friend’s natal birthday party.  I got home to rest for a few minutes before getting whisked away by my friend to just a few blocks away to the friends birthday party.  I had a lot of fun with these people I didn’t know at all because I was pretty comfortable with myself!  I really enjoyed myself at the party.  I had my first monster energy drink ever.  I had about half a cup; I didn’t drink the rest as I knew better. 

We left at around 10P.  I got home to conk out.  I was sooo exhausted.  There ended such a beautiful day.  This is the gift of sobriety that I get because I choose to wake up, affirm and act on staying sober; furthermore, choosing to act on manifesting serenity, happiness, joy, harmony and just a lot of fun and enjoyment, but all in the meanwhile getting to be of service!!!

My sponsor reminds me that I have choices in recovery.  One of them is that I see what I look for and I hear what I listen for…  Today I live in the solution and I love living in the solution.  One of them is getting to get out of self, the root of all my troubles and the very root of any alcoholic/addict’s troubles.  This selfishness is like a weed; I can’t just pull out the top and expect it to die…  I have to get to the root of it and yank it out!

What a wonderful day!  It wasn’t perfect, but it was perfectly full of life; a life I get to enjoy because I said yes to sobriety, I said yes to giving it over to God and I said yes to living a life full of character assets and letting go of character defects.

More to come….

Quoc

Well, here is an update…  This is day four of the Basic 1 training for new HIV Testing Counselors; tomorrow is the last day where my co-trainer and I do final evaluations of the 11 participants that are in the training.  I am having such a blast training this week. 

 Training has literally saved me from a lot of grief!  I made the affirmation to call the slamming tweeker who commits unlawful acts after my last blog.  At about 2:08A on Wed., 4/18/07, I made the phone call and left him a voice message telling him that I cannot be with someone who’s lifestyle completely violates every spiritual principle that the program of recovery stands for.  Considering I am an active member of recovery and living the spiritual principles of the program, it’s not ok for me to have these two 180 degree conflicting lifestyles cross.  It just makes for an icky combination…. It would be more like a mustard and grape jelly sandwich rather than the tasty peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

 Since my phone call to him, I have been depressed.  I wouldn’t have been spending time with him this week anyway considering the fact that I have been training all week and shared with him that I need to focus on my training and need the solitude in the evening to prepare for my modules and get the rest I need.  It is moreso the disappointment that this Friday evening, I won’t get to invite him into my home and snuggle with him; stroke his moppy Harry Potter hair; gaze into his sleepy blue eyes as he falls asleep in my arms…  Sigh…

 It’s a good thing that I cut the umbilical cord so quickly as it is already hard enough feeling the sadness of not having him around even after just one week.  I can only imagine if the relationship developed further.  So, if you don’t know Sister Judy, my Sponsor, my recovery fellowship friends; my co-worker; and anyone else that had a hand in the unanimous vote to oust this person from my life…. I have successfully done it!  As someone told me on the phone, perhaps those who are not me and not directly involved in the relationship have some insight and perspective on the potentially damaging nature of the relationship than what I was feeling and interpretting.  It is with my hope that in closing this door that seems unhealthy for me; this will open another door for God to bring someone else into my life…. God has such a funny sense of humor sometimes…

 Anyway, I just wanted to do a quick check in…  I gave my participants the homework assignment of doing something nice for myself that has nothing to do with work or HIV.  I share with the group that I would never ask the them to do anything that I wouldn’t do myself.  I drew a bubble bath, lit some lavender scented candles, played some meditation music and glided into the warm water allowing the stresses of my life and the debris and ick from the past day to just melt and dissolve off my body, hair, hands, legs, and face…  I needed it.

Ok… I have to go to my evening recovery meeting followed by preparation for the final day of training tomorrow.  Thank you for your patience folks as I have been unable to return e-mails or phone calls as a result of my training this past week.  Alas, I have to be honest that there have been some people from my past like a former high school classmate who found me and wants to be in touch with me.  I haven’t called him yet.  Please contact me again if I haven’t replied.  Thank you for your patience as I continue to learn in finding balance and juggling life…

 In watching the news, I saw the following scribble on a blanket in memoriam of the VA Tech peeps. 

Yesterday is history… Tomorrow is a mystery… Today is a gift.  That is why they call it the present.

Quoc

So, I really haven’t had time to watch the news.  I would love to take a moment to recognize those precious spirits who have been robbed of their opportunity to share and experience a full life on earth.  These are the freak accidents that makes one wonder about whether God is there!  Why God would permit for tragedies like the 33 loss lives in Virginia…  Instead, thankfully, I have a Higher Power that is all knowing, but not all powerful… Higher Power allows life to take place and has a greater scope on the bigger picture that we may not see with our narrow egocentric perceptions.  My God does weep and cry with me when there is great sadness like the one that occurred yesterday…

The good that came out of this tragedy for me is just taking a moment in appreciating how precious and fragile my life is…  I also appreciate how fleeting life may be… It’s interesting how the images and biographies of those bright individuals who are just at the beginning of creating a beautiful life for themselves were cut short; or the lives of those who are wise teachers and acted in heroism by sacrificing their life in saving many others…

This makes me appreciate my life and what I am doing today in living life.  The suggestion is to live each day as if it were the last.  When my head hits the pillow are there any regrets I have in reviewing the past days action; if I am blessed enough to wake up the next morning, I get to make a decision as to re-affirm in taking those experiences of the past day and perhaps realizing those “regrets” or moments that “I wish I only had done.”  Well, I get to “carpe diem (seize the day)” as it is only in this moment of the day RIGHT NOW that I get to do something about it, or not…

In affirming to live life and share my experiences with others, I am writing this journal to catch myself and  you up on where my life has been…  I have been wanting to write journals a lot in the past weeks, but haven’t done so as I made one excuse after another in delaying something I feel is emotionally and mentally healing as well as spiritually rejuvenating for me.  So here goes…

About a month ago, I went into my Doctor’s appointment for a follow up visit; I had a bad chest cold that came along with a bad cough.  I was concerned about the status of my HIV and whether my meds were working… The result is “644 and undetectable.” What does this mean?  644 is my T-cell count; which tells me how strong my immune system is.  Undetectable is the result of my viral load; which tells me how much HIV I have in my system at the time of the blood draw.  Undetectable indicates that I have less than 75 copies of HIV in the serum drawn.  The overall diagnosis is that my T-cells have never been this high!!!  Yayee!!!  My HIV is very well maintained and under control!

I attribute this to the fact that I am experiencing deep spirituality and connection to my Higher Power from really working a strong program of recovery.  This in turn directly gives me deep serenity and the ability to manage situations intuitively and with grace… “The Promises” as read at recovery meetings is indeed coming true for me!  Yayee!!!  I am thankful to God and my support group.  I am proud of myself!

Within the past few weeks:

I have attended a posh fundraising event with the agency I work with.  What an amazingly fun experience that was to be at the front and center banquet table enjoying the Mr. Asia USA competition while raising funds for a temple that provides shelter, care, medicine and services to individuals living with HIV in Thailand.

I have enjoyed the experience of “dating” men and be ok with setting healthy boundaries as to what I am comfortable with and enjoy… Right now it is hanging out with a man and enjoying intimacy without sex: spiritual intimacy; emotional intimacy; and sensual and romantic intimacy.  I have been able to enjoy that deeply. 

Because of the work I have done on myself, I see myself as attractive, radiant, personable, sexy, romantic and certainly someone that would make an incredible boyfriend and partner to some lucky man!  In feeling this way, I am attracting people into my life naturally… 

My luck in reciprocating this affection to the guys who have been pursuing me haven’t been as successful, but I am enjoying the fun of doing it…  Thusfar, I have attracted:

- a volunteer that I work with that I am uncomfortable dating as I don’t date people I work with.  I set firm boundaries with separating business with pleasure and recreation.  I was able to communicate this to that individual.  What I wasn’t ballsy enough to do was to share that I was flattered, but wasn’t interested in dating him.  It isn’t anything personal; I am just not attracted to him.  I don’t want to give this individual false hopes.  I get to work on being less people pleasing and more honest.

- a friend that is really sweet and I really enjoy the company of, but he is visiting from Chicago.  I am not comfortable with developing any kind of relationship where feelings would get all tangled up and then have to feel the void of wanting to be with someone who is literally inaccessible to me!

- someone who is really attracted to me physically and has expressed interest in “poking me up in the butt.”  These sentiments in wooing me and making me swoon just don’t make the cut.  He’s sweet and very affectionate, but seems only interested in having a sexual relationship with me.  I want that and more!  More meaning, I want to date this person; in sharing this with the individual, he didn’t seem keen on the idea.  I have been able to detach from that and not feel desperate and co-dependent and let my thinking tell me that I will be alone and forever a hermit if I turn this guy down.  The one thing about him is that I am very very attracted to him; except for his ability to talk like a curt and rude New Yorker in expressing how much he wants to just “poke me.” Ew…  Ew…  EW!!!

- then there is someone I have been spending time snuggling and sleeping together with for about a week now.  He is absolutely adorable… He looks like Harry Potter…. He has beautiful eyes…  He appreciates my affection and my humor as I do his… He says he is really attracted to me…  The feeling is mutual… I appreciate his company and our seemingly natural chemistry and dynamic.  I have disclosed to him as I have with all the other guys above that I am HIV positive and in recovery.  They all are ok with it and supportive of that and haven’t thrown me away or rejected me because of this.  We are fairly local to each other.  For once, this guy and myself are around the same age.  As a matter of fact, I am 8 months older than this guy; a first that I am seeing someone close to my age or younger than me.  Not that this matters, but it’s nice…

Are you sensing a “but” coming along?  Yep!  Just when I think holy moly, I think I have found someone I really dig and want to pursue deeper intimacy with and play house because the relationship is developing more and more effortlessly, there comes some news that totally throw a “monkey wrench” into the relationship.  For one thing, this individual currently engaged in doing the very same drug that brought me into recovery 4 years ago.  He doesn’t do it around me, but just the mere fact that he does it doesn’t sit well with me.  Furthermore, without sharing too much, this individual engages in activities that don’t adhere to the laws of the land. 

So, our dynamic and interpersonal relationship is great!!!  The best that I have felt in a long time.  The challenge is that there are parts of this individuals life and the behavior he engages in that violate every spiritual principle and moral compass that my life currently encompasses.  On top of that, I am with someone who takes in the very mind-altering substance that annihilated my life a few years back.  Sigh…

I have consulted with many people from my Sponsor, co-workers, friends in the fellowship, and my family.  I am getting the same response, to get out of this relationship ASAP as it is placing me in direct harm for possible relapse and to be in a dangerous situation to be injured/harmed physically, financial and otherwise. 

I am resistant and reluctant to letting this relationship go because it feels so good to be with him, but I understand the implications of what EVERYONE is saying.  The vote is unanimous from outside opinion pole.  The two votes that are not parallel with what common sense is telling me is myself and the guy I am seeing…  I am reluctant and resistant to letting go of something that feels so good to be around.  I feel so good around him.  He has made efforts since we’ve started seeing each other to not engage in that harmful behavior.  I am making excuses for hanging out with him, but my gut has such a good feeling about this relationship working out.  There is a compass within myself witch is still sending red flags at me and causing me to feel unsafe around him.

The best suggestion I heard was to communicate with this person that as much as I am attracted to him and enjoy his company and our interactions, I cannot be with someone who does drugs or engage in unlawful activities.  I need to terminate this relationship soon because every day that passes, it will be harder for me to let him go….  I get to tell him that if circumstances do change and he is living a life that I feel safe being in, then we may perhaps revisit this; not until that happens though.

I need to find someone and live a life that is internally in sync with Spirit and my Higher Power as well as surround myself with people and relationships that are in sync and contribute, nurture and promote my spiritual growth.  I will call him right after I post this journal entry as I need to do it.  I don’t want to do it, but I need to and I need to reach out for help in staying strong and being able to resist getting back together with this person until and if his lifestyle is compatible with how I life. 

What a full life aye?  Lots and lots of growth!!!  There are plenty of “OWs” from the gr’OW’th in my life.  At the same token, I am enjoying lots of laugh, rewarding job, friendship and fun, and just living an amazingly fruitful, enjoyable life that is full of colors that I openly receive and give thanks for…

Regardless of what circumstances happen in my life, I consistently remind myself that there is nothing so bad that couldn’t be made worse by picking up the drug or drink; and there is nothing sooo wonderful/good that couldn’t be destroyed by picking up the drug or drink.  So long as I stay clean and sober, then my day has been a success…  Now I do the work to receive the benefits of serenity and manageability of my life with the help and direction of my God and those people around me that God has placed to help me, for me to help and play with in the time I have in this plane of existence…

Quoc 

I know this is not the best time for me to take a moment in writing an entry, but I am feeling so darn inspired and wanting to write that I am compelled to act on it… RIGHT NOW!

I just came home from a meeting where I didn’t get to share.  So, I am going to do it with you folks!  Here is what I would’ve said:  Thank you so much “speaker” for speaking.  There were a couple things that resonated with me.  One was about living in the 12^th step.  It is so very important that I remember how simple this step is.  So long as I suit up and show up; it doesn’t matter whether I am perfect or not… I am perfectly fine the way I am… Thank you for sharing about FEAR; it’s an acronym for Forgetting Everything’s All Right.  My sponsor shares with me that fear is a feeling that is God given; it is not a character defect.  The behavioral response I have are facing fear with “cowardice (defect)” or “courage (asset)”.

Because I take the contrary action in saying yes to life, I am abundantly blessed.  My life is sooo full right now that I don’t have to go to meetings, work my steps, make phone calls, and be of service… BUT I DO IT ANYWAY, because I have to remember that the very abundant life that I am living and managing with such grace right now is a direct result of my going to meetings, working my steps, making phone calls, and being of service… 

In saying yes to being of service, I get to have the experience of speaking with the H&I (Hospitals and Institutions) panel at a mental institution in Monterey Park.  I was there to carry the message of experience, strength and hope to those in the institution.  The gift is that I got so much out of the meeting.  I got grateful at the fact that I did not end up permanently insane and have to live in a locked institution.  I was so grateful that after I spoke at the meeting, I got to walk out of the institution.  The people there were locked up and perhaps constitutionally incapable of recovering any degree of sanity. 

That could’ve easily been me considering I did so much crystal meth years ago that I was in a temporary state of psychosis!  I was hallucinating things that weren’t there.  I was afraid of people crawling up the walls like spiderman to kill me; they were never there, but my intoxicated and warped brain certainly projected that…

Instead, by showing up, I get to get grateful for using the experiences of my past to benefit myself and more importantly other people!  By being and alcoholic/addict, I get to share my experience of what it was like, what happened and what it’s like now that I have regained some degree of sanity and serenity from working the steps.  Because I am HIV positive, that inspired me and gives me credibility when I facilitate training sessions to new HIV Counselor Trainees.  I get to provide directly counseling and testing services to individuals who are in similar circumstances of risk and harm that I used to be in.  This is the gift of getting to stay in the program.

For this I am grateful…

Quoc

Ever wanted to listen to Quoc?   I interviewed him for my podcast…you can listen online about our failed trip to see the grunions.