Quoc’s Web Journal

So, the conclusion I have drawn from this last bender is relapsing sucks!!!  Well “duh!!!” you folks respond I am sure… Especially for a “real” addict/alcoholic like myself… Goodness me this last bender really demonstrates that I am indeed a genuine bonafide 100% real alcoholic/addict through and through! 

I indeed do suffer from a disease that manifest itself in three folds… First “no God” that leaves me with a gaping void in my gut that I can’t help but feel; consequently, there is that constant “obsession” to fill that void with something first without any recovery, I filled it with food, sex, drugs and anything I could’ve overindulged in…  With drugs like crystal meth and being an addict, the third fold is the physical allergy once I place any mind altering substance into my body…  Instead of breaking out in raised hives as an allergic reaction, I break out in an “irresistible craving” and urge to continue using until I blot myself out of existence!!! 

So, thank God I made it through the day and just about to go to sleep…  Here are some highlights to mark the occasion:

- I called my former sponsor and thanked him for sponsoring me and formally announced that I have asked someone else to sponsor me…  I went to work still with great difficulty getting up and finding motivation to work… Upon arriving home, I found it very difficult to will myself into action as I really wanted to do something about my home…  I called my current sponsor to let him know that I had some using thoughts… He had me write a list of the rewards of going out and doing drugs and then another list of the things I stand to lose if I do go out and use again… 

It didn’t help… I proceeded to take action in setting myself up for relapse and going out and using drugs despite having the list sitting in front of me with some of the things listed as losing my “life, mind, home, job, health, opportunity to attend my Sister’s wedding, sleep, my 7 days of working so hard staying sober, teeth…”  How can I not be an addict if I have to debate whether to use or not if I stand the chance of losing these things!!!  Oh my goodness…

I took a last ditch effort and got on my knees and prayed and asked God to help remove my obsession to use and help me staying willing to take the contrary action to fight for my sobriety.  I immediately received a phone call on my land line by some lady that needed me to help her get into a program.  Instead of hearing back from the dealer, I received text messages from a friend who was willing to go to a meeting with me.

Just a quick digression… I am saving my dealer’s number in my phone and listing it as “Devil’s Revenge Upon God’s Subjects.”  The reason being is that I have added and deleted this person’s number from my phone so much that I have not committed it to memory in my brain!  That’s f*cking great!!!  I can’t even delete that person’s number out of my mind if I wanted to.  I am just thinking by saving it into my phone and not using it, I will eventually forget the phone number and then eventually deleting it will help me forget about it all together!

I prepared myself to go to the meeting.  I made a couple more phone calls and text messages to a couple sober friends telling on myself stating that I wanted to go out and use and that I had taken some measures and set myself up to do so…  I got to the meeting and sat in on it… I identified as a newcomer…  The speaker had 38 years and shared a lot of good stuff… Of all the precious sober tools and jewels that she shared, the one thing that made the most sense was her sharing about sobriety having “rituals” and to take time honoring those rituals and that my decisions and my actions got me to where I am and that I need to listen and take direction from anyone else besides myself until I can get to a place of some sanity and have some more sobriety…  One of the rituals I will put into practice immediately is when I wake up to make my bed up really nice.  That way I won’t be tempted to get back into bed.  This perfect as I have been having a hard time getting out of bed and staying out of bed until bed time…  I also bought a book per suggestion by the speaker that we always have our own big book and another big book on hand to give to someone that may need it as we don’t want to cop a resentment from giving away our own big book.  We also want to have a meeting directory and a spare one to give away to a newcomer as well… She proclaimed that we do not give up our copy of the big book, our meeting directory or our seat!  We claim that much for ourselves and our sobriety, but what we get to do is to have a spare one for someone else that may need it as well… I really like that!!!

The winning part of the share that I heard was that having 38 years means that her support group dwindles not because they relapsed, but because they died from old age…  She has a responsibility to carry the message of experience, strength and hope for newcomers like me who come in and need to hear these medicinal words that will alleviate the pains my disease causes me.  She followed up with sharing that it is our “primary purpose to stay sober and to get out of ourselves and help another alcoholic to stay sober.”  Even if I have one day sober, I carry a responsibility to reach out and help another alcoholic stay sober…  This is how AA thrives and survives by giving it away…  This gave me a sense of accountability and gratitude for what I have and instead of obsessing about how disappointed I am in myself and how poorly others must be thinking of me and just “poor me, poor me, pour me another drink” I get to get out of my selfish thinking and start thinking immediately about helping another alcoholic by doing esteemable acts!!!

I didn’t mention how p*ssed off I was at my friend for promising to be there to sit with me through the meeting…  I hung my head low and took a newcomer chip to a thunderous applause and cheer of support.  I got lots of hugs and couple phone numbers at the conclusion of the meeting.  I got an offer from someone to have coffee with him right after the meeting.  I said ok…  Upon sitting there in the courtyard of this posh plaza sipping on coffee bought by this new friend, I looked at my text messages with responses from people I had texted asking for help and even people I didn’t text who sent words of support, love and encouragement… Then I found a couple text messages from my friend who was supposed to meet me for the meeting tell me that he is still on his way and he’s waiting for the bus…

I almost burst into tears realizing that this friend of mine didn’t have a car to drive…  He had been trying to get to where I was by bus and even half an hour after the meeting had ended, he was still trying to make his way by bus to meet me so he can support me through this process…  This is what people in the program get to do for each other… Go to any lengths to be of service and support another fellow alcoholic.  He finally arrived over 40 minutes after the meeting was over.  So, I was passed on from one friend to the next who I got to hang out til past 11:30P.  Of course I took him home and then came home myself…  I got caught up watching one of my favorite TV shows “Make Me A Super Model.”  It was a rerun, but I love the music and the drama as we wind down to the finale which will take place tonight on the Bravo channel at 10P (9P central). 

With that being said and with my crazy insane attempts to get high, I manage to skirt through another day clean and sober.  Day 7 is under my belt and I get to work on day 8…. I am a couple days away from double digit sobriety!!!  What I get to focus on is gratitude for the past 24 hours clean and sober, go to sleep and wake up asking God to please help walk me through another 24 hours and not alone…

I am still very very new with a head full of tools and sobriety, but a body that is still wreaking with the irresistable craving to use… With one hand in AA and one hand with God, I got through another day!  Thank God!!!  Thank you!!! 

Please continue to pray, call, text, e-mail, post comments and just support support support me… I NEED YOUR HELP to get through another 24 hours.  My life is on the line… Literally!

Grateful for another day clean and sober,

Quoc