Quoc’s Web Journal

 E-MAIL ME AT QUOCLAM@GMAIL.COM  

Gosh,

I have been experiencing an on-going theme for the past few days… The feedback that I have received from the LCSW from Monday is that I have ease and comfort in being an exemplary caregiver to others; at the same, I have great capacity to put myself in a position of being deprived of love, tolerance, support and care from others.  Others extend it, but I have this resilient ability of discounting, dismissing and outright blocking this love and support others have for me. 

In a recent e-mail I got from a friend, she commented that from reading my blogs, her ”main impression was surprise about how much I beat myself up for relapsing, for using or abusing, and that there seems to be a lack of self-forgiveness.”

In a recent visit with a new friend in recovery and within a couple hours of getting to know me, he made a couple statements to me: “Quoc, I can see how much of an impact you have on other people and there is a stream of love, support, and care for you.  It’s obviously you make such a positive impact on other people’s lives and they really want to support you through your challenging time right now.”  He followed up with a comment to a friend I was introducing him to that “Quoc is really hard and unforgiving of himself.” 

I don’t hear this coming from me and toward me, but how can all these observations be mere coincidence?  I know they are not.  Is this one of those “they know what I don’t know that I am mean to myself?”  I hope to get to a place where I know when I am being mean to myself so that I can do something about it.  At least I am in a place that I know that I don’t know as you folks are pointing things out about me that I can’t quite even put a finger on….  Interesting!!!

I am gonna continue to count on your love and support as obviously right now that I have very little regard for myself or my well being; and I don’t even realize it!!!  What I am doing right is showing up at meetings and continuing to stay in touch with others so that I may be on the receiving end of affirmations and kind and loving statements that I am clearly not giving myself…  So much for BNQ (Being Nice to Quoc)!

Today, with six days clean and sober, I find myself waxing and waning on having lots of energy and being in good spirits to moments of where I am completely exhausted and feeling listless and apathetic.  These are such extremes….

 I am thinking of posting a before and after shot for your viewing pleasure.  I am sure these pictures will do a much better job of illustrating the destructive effects that using crystal meth has on a person’s physical well being.  I took a picture of myself on one of those days when I was completely drained and exhausted from a 48 hour run… I was run-down, had bloodshot yellow eyes, pasty greasy skin and just looked liked something that of a corpse rather the vibrant living spirit I generally am…

 So, “I lost me to meth” campaign…. WATCH OUT as I am about to blow your campaign out of the water with a before and after shot of myself…. One shot being that of be still high out of my mind but certainly exhausted from too many hours of being awake… Then a shot of myself today!  YOU CAN TAKE A LOOK AND COMPARE WHETHER USING CRYSTAL METH IS WORTH IT OR NOT!!!

 I need to forewarn all people, especially family and friends that these pictures may be very very very disturbing and painful to look at (especially the before shot) as they will be pictures of myself in a very dark, painful and sad sad place.  I suggest not looking at these pictures if you are not emotionally prepared to process and digest what I went through just a few weeks ago.  The bright side is the follow up picture of myself at present day with as little time as I do today, six whopping days clean and sober and going strong with conviction and being at one with God’s desires for me to stay clean and sober for the rest of today.  That is not as painful to look at.

The pictures will come when I get home and have an opportunity to take a picture of myself at present day and do a side to side comparison of what it was like just a few weeks ago!!!

Thank you again for your continued love & support!

Quoc

E-MAIL ME AT QUOCLAM@GMAIL.COM