Quoc’s Web Journal

In the midst of my personal battle to stay clean and sober one day at a time, I got news of a fellow trudging buddy who lost his battle against this disease: namely Alcoholism.  His name is Hunter.  He was just a young cute little thing who looked like he belonged perfectly residing in the City of West Hollywood…  I don’t have a lot of information on his passing, but I am sure that more information will come in with the passing days and news of his loss ripples across the sober community.

Hunter is one of those memorable individuals who has that ability to touch lives and leave impressions upon each person he passes by; a very very positive impression…  I remember when he came into the program about 2 - 3 years ago when he flew out from New York to get sober at the Van Ness Recovery House…  I remember him calling me from the pay phone there on a Monday as I was walking to the bus stop on the way home from my Monday night recovery meeting.  I distinctly remember walking north on La Cienega towards Wilshire.  He called and asked if he could read his snap shot to me.  By the way, a ”snap shot” is an assignment the Van Ness Recovery House Staff has residents do; we write about the last 24 - 48 hours that led to our decision to surrender and come into the Recovery House for help.  Honored, I told him yes and took refuge away from the wind behind a bush in a bank building so I could listen to him read his snap shot.  I remember spending a good 5 - 10 minutes glued to the cell phone trying to hear his riveting story as he read and read…  He thanked me for listening… I thanked him for entrusting me with the honor of getting to hear his story and told him I loved him and I was proud of him and for him to stay in the house and keep up the good work and we parted ways…

Since then and in the past years, both of us got sober, he relapsed and got sober, I relapsed and got sober… I remember just about 10 months ago, I received a phone call from him and a bunch of his friends call me on my first return sober birthday and serenade me Happy Birthday on the phone…  I almost cried at such a wonderful and sweet and loving gesture… I remember Hunter welcoming me back just one and a half month ago and told me to stay and he loved me.  He was a role model for me because he had just spoken at the Tuesday night evening meeting that I went to on a regular basis and also relapsed a few months back, but seemingly found the courage to come back and identify and get some time again…

It is an understatement right now for me to hear from a friend that he past away last night…  I called my sponsor just about an hour ago to share about my mixed feelings: 1) survivors guilt that why did he die and not me 2) gratitude that I get to see the destructive nature of this disease 3) deep sadness at the loss of a friend that I value so much and who’s friendship I hold so near to my heart 4) confusion and shell shocked upon even hearing about the news that something like this could happen to someone as young as he is! 5) shame that I still have thoughts of using as it is the weekend and I could have a little fun and my crazy head telling me that 8 days is not a lot and I need to take advantage of just using “one more time” before taking the program seriously.

I can tell you right now that news of his death will hit our sober community really hard and it definitely will diminish the rooms of recovery as he leaves a vacant seat that was sooo filled with love, compassion, zeal for life, humor, and just one of those people that make you smile on the inside just by looking at him and being near him…  The rooms will certainly feel his loss for a long time to come… He hasn’t been the first and I am sure he will not be the last…

As in one of the Star Trek Voyager episodes, an alien made a comment about the Borg when Seven of Nine questioned whether there were feelings of animosity and anger toward the Borg for destroying his entire race.  He replied, “how can one feel anger towards a storm on the horizon; it’s like a phenomena that only knows to do what it was created to do.  It bears no ill will towards anything, it is only acting according to the nature of it’s being to strike lightning, rain and flood and create destruction when the storm is big enough.  We can’t fault the storm for being exactly what it is.”  One thing the disease of alcoholism has earned in me besides misplaced anger toward it for taking the life of my friend Hunter, is that is has earned my RESPECT hands down!  It has proven itself more cunning, very baffling and infinitely more powerful than me.  There is but one Ultimate entity that has power over it; that One is God, may I continue to work vigorously, strenuously and constantly in search of that conscious contact with my God.

 I went to a morning meeting and heard that when one stays sober, life is unpredictable…  We can’t quite predict what miracles and challenges will come about in life and how to meander and walk through the many different paths we get to take down this sober journey.  The other side of the coin is how predictable and easy it is for us to forecast the path of an alcoholic/addict who is actively drinking and using…  It is that of a downward spiral towards pain, despair, loss and ultimately oblivion.

I certainly did not predict having received a phone call like the one I did at about 4:30P today… More will be shared as time passes…  For now, I pray that God receives him gently and finally the gates of heaven can finally open for Hunter as he ascends into that great blue sky and now is permanently relieved from bondage of this disease called alcoholism.  May his soul, spirit be lifted from the broken body and brought to a place of love, light and a place where he can look down on us and guide those of us still on earth to hold hands and help one another through this until we meet him in the distant future.

Mixture of grief, gratitude, confusion, and frustration,

Quoc