Quoc’s Web Journal

Hey folks… I don’t have a lot of time to share tonight as I feel like I am constantly on the go… Here are some highlights from things I’ve heard this past week and mostly today:

- From Top Chef, I heard from Chef Andrew share at the end of the show that he was copping a “culinary boner.” That really made me laugh.

- From the speaker I heard today and from the past week, the following thoughts came to mind… I totally appreciated the speaker sharing about “telling the truth about what is really going on.” I also appreciated the speaker sharing about “suiting up and showing up” whether one wants to or not; because, as an alcoholic, one does “need” to show up! I was going to share about understanding how a person would not benefit from taking medicine for diabetics if they actually had cancer. As a matter of fact, it may actually have a deleterious effect! More so, one who has diabetes would not gain any benefit from taking HIV meds to treat the diabetes… Doing so for such progressive, fatal and potentially terminal diseases may lead a person to become ill and possibly die!

Very much the same way, here I was trying to treat my alcoholism (those feelings of being undesirable, unattractive, and lonely) with hooking up with men; isolation from friends who care about me; not maintaining a clean and beautiful home; and not taking care of myself on a daily basis (brushing, showering, resting, etc…). Acting on these kinds of things instead of treating my alcoholism with the proper medicine such as going to meetings regularly, being of service to people in and out of recovery, and vigorously, strenuously and constantly doing stepwork to bring myself closer to God and build a stronger bond with God are surely to get me loaded and could well kill me…

As time goes on and I become less sane and healthier, I analogize the trends in the nation today from people going on Atkins diet to lose weight and be healthier; or people who choose to be vegetarians in their diet to achieve a certain level of health physically, mentally and spiritually. I would imagine that being in an alcoholic, that the appropriate diet to maintain that health would be portioned meals of “God” in moderation all day long!!! This is what will keep me spiritually, full, fit and healthy! It would go against the very point of wanting to go on a certain diet to attain a certain goal without adhering to those certain rules and guidelines to achieve that very goal I want to achieve… The understanding that I must have is as an alcoholic and as I get healthier, to fill myself with a healthy diet of “God” on a daily basis and often throughout each day!!!

- With so many co-workers and friends sick around me, I am not surprised that as of this morning, I woke up with a scratchy throat and lots of congestion… The symptoms have gotten worse throughout the day. As I am about ready to go to bed, I find myself sneezing, coughing, sniffly, runny nose, and just all congested!!! Boo!!!

- For those who are trying to figure out how much time I have clean and sober from building one day at a time since April 18… I am happy to announce I have lucky 13 days today!!! I anticipate that I will make the 13 days when my head hits the pillow tonight and I wake up in the morning to greet the beginning of day 14 clean and sober!!!

- Here is an update on “Hunter.” Apparently, he did relapse and sometime during that relapse until someone discovered him deceased on Thursday night, April 24, he chose to take action to end his life… Yeah, he committed suicide… Sigh… There is going to be a Memorial service for him this Saturday, May 3 at 6P. If you’d like to find out where it is this Saturday, please e-mail me at quoclam@gmail.com and I will be more than happy to share that information with you.  I do plan on attending to pay my respects to Hunter passing on and again pray that God receive him gently into heaven.  I also get to show up to support the multitudes of friends and family he left behind when he passed on.

I still have thoughts of using… The difference is that I recognize the using thoughts, I call someone and share about it and I take contrary action and not act on that thought.  It’s ok for me to have alcoholic tendencies and thoughts…  What’s not ok is to act on those thoughts!  What I get to do today is to move 12 inches south to where my heart is, where God lives verses move 12 inches north to where my mind is, where the disease resides!

Today, my affirmations and call to actions are:

1) I am a sober, healthy, HONEST, sexy, desirable, adorable and beautiful HIV positive man who is desirable, needed and appreciated.

2) I let no thought dwell in my mind without my permission.

3) I am a sober adult who is willing to protect my recovery and willing to to what it takes to protect that recovery!

4) I am a good man!

Quoc