Quoc’s Web Journal

HELLO THERE INQUIRING MINDS!!! Besides recovery, work, therapy and working on incorporating exercise and other fun extra curricular activities, I am sure you folks wanna know how my DATING life is going no?!?! Well, here we go… I am gonna really free write here as there are so many thoughts, feelings and questions that come up as I experience and share…

THINGS ARE GREAT!!! Things are exciting… I have always been a one man relationship oriented kind of guy… I met this amazing guy frankly by accident… I had no plans or intentions or expectations to really find anyone right now… As a matter of fact, I made a commitment to focus on my recovery and to not even make any more investments on relationships as they have been my pitfalls for relapse… Back in June 10, 2006 and then around March 2008. I find myself not in a position to be in a relationship where I feel whole and can practice a modified 7th tradition of being “emotionally self-supporting.” I want to be in a place where I am a complete and whole man that will be sharing a relationship with another “whole” man… I don’t know if I am half baked or not…

So, when I least expect and want a relationship is when I meet this amazing guy who is beautiful in every respect… He’s physically beautiful; he’s intelligent, employed, has a car, close to my age, has a place of his own, and financially self-supporting. The parts that made me fall head over heals for him are the following:

1) The most beautiful eyes I have ever seen set into the face of an incredibly adorable guy…

2) I love his affection and passion… The kisses and just holding him make for one to easily fall in love with…

3) He has a very great energy about him… He dresses in clothing that is colorful with zaney patterns and designs… His personality naturally draws me to him… He’s a sexy “goofball” in my book!!!

4) He seems to have a great sense of humor!!! Very very important!!!

Finally, there is a golden rule a past sponsee sister used to say… That any relationship is built on the firm foundation that there is equal contribution into the relationship. Each person is whole and compliments the person very well… No one party is taking or giving more than what the other party is. I feel I have this amazing dichotomy with this man… I have fun with him… He’s incredibly sexy, funny, romantic, and just a great guy to hang out with… I can see me calling him one of my best friends which I firmly believe is the foundation of any healthy relationship let alone one that may lead to romance…

I have some questions I need those who are reading this and have experience with being in a romantic relationship… Those who have experience that didn’t work out so great, please share what didn’t work… Those who did/do have relationships that worked out wonderfully, please also share with me your experience strength and hope…

Here are my questions:

1) How much should I participate in this person’s life? I want to do some of the things he does and has an interest in, but I definitely am ok with just appreciating that he has different interests than I do and we get to share with each other things we enjoy doing without needing to expect the other party to need to be completely involved or interested in what each of us do for fun/hobbies, etc…

2) How often should I be in contact with this person when it comes to phone calls, text messages, seeing him and spending the night with him? I don’t know how much is too much… As an alcoholic, I am a pig, I want all of it a lot and all the time!!! I am like a dog or goldfish… I don’t know when to stop sometimes… Thankfully, I believe I have been keeping a healthy mentality about this and doing it in “moderation.” Goodness knows moderation tends to be a very very very foreign term for alcoholics!!!

3) How different is too different? What I mean is as much as we have some common interests, what about the things that are different between us? How different is too different? Current and future aspirations with family, career, romance, and other personal interests… What I do know is I find this man incredibly fascinating and his world equally fascinating and new to me… My fear is that I won’t be able to speak to those things/hobbies that he is interested in and may come off sounding like stupid and turn him off as we don’t have enough shared and common interests… Does this just mean this allows for great dynamic between the two of us or does this mean it’s just a set up for disappointment?

4) If we don’t have a lot in common, then is feeling a “connection” with him enough to sustain a romantic relationship? I dunno…

Here is the bottom line from what I gather… My Higher Power and myself have no idea what will come of this very new relationship I get to practice with my Sun-Sean. I believe my Higher Power has given me an opportunity to find out my likes and dislikes with this person as this person will grow from getting to know me. We’ll get to explore and find the things each of us like and dislike… We’ll get to practice open and honest communication with each other. There is that part of a relationship: the liking or disliking a person and finding them sexy or not that one cannot control…

Right now what I know is that I am incredibly turned on by him physically and mentally… I think he is sooo physically sexy!!! I am incredibly turned on by him emotionally, intellectually and mentally… We have a shared experience that is stiumlating on many levels…

Right now, I am going through the infatuated phase… As much as I am practicing prioritizing recovery and living my life and incorporating him into it, there is a part of me that desperately wants to be with him and talk to him a lot and be in physical touch with him a lot and wants to take it to the level of exclusive dating… The reality is that I am pulling back and keeping things very very simple and allowing these thoughts and feelings to pass like the floating clouds and those that are authentic and healthy for my blossoming relationship with him to stay around…

God has no idea whether this will work out or not… I don’t think that’s the point… The point is that I get to cross paths with this man with the hopes of getting to give and receive, love, affection and have an opportunity for growth. This may last a month, a year or a lifetime… What I get to do is appreciate each moment I get to spend with this man and I really like and so happen to find incredibly sexy on so many levels… I get to act on my character defects and practice replacing them with my character assets. I remember that God’s will in this relationship is about love and service and my will means it’s about me, me, me!!!

Argh… I can’t quite compose my thoughts as I think about this man… We’ve crossed through some pretty interesting turning points and very pivotal moments in our lives that have affected how we have been behaving in an attempt to live life as fully as possible selfishly or self-lessly…

What I want is to continue taking this slow and really appreciate this for as long as I get to have with him. As my Sponsor reminds me with his relationship with his boyfriend…. He is confident in saying that he does not “need” this relationship. He can choose to leave the relationship and still be a whole man. He doesn’t want to leave of course, but he has the freedom to choose and not feel that a part of him will break off and fall apart. This is poetically beautiful…

I hope to continue to enjoy my Sun-Sean as time continues… As more comes and I am not as tired from writing sooo much while thinking and feeling, I will share or modify the journal…

I INVITE YOUR FEEDBACK WITH THE QUESTIONS ABOVE… I am sure I will get the answer with this relationship as we move along… Goodness but I am having fun hanging out with him… I care a lot for this individual…

OUR ANNIVERSARY = FRIDAY, MAY 16, 2008… My romantic side hopes to get to celebrate this with him!

Ok… gotta get to other chores…

Cheers,

Quoc

E-MAIL ME AT QUOCLAM@GMAIL.COM

So, before you continue scrolling down and viewing the attached pictures of me at different stages in my recent recovery, I want to take a moment in WARNING YOU that the following pictures may be disturbing and very very very scary… In the midst of my insanity about a month ago, I somehow took a moment to capture the image that I saw in the mirror…

I have heard so many alcoholics and addicts share about having that moment of clarity when they looked in the mirror and for the first time saw themselves; instead of seeing a beautiful and resilient human being, they saw what resembled more like an animal that had been abused and tormented… The images look as if a very brilliant make up artist for horror movies created such images, but no… The images below that you see (especially the scary ones) are raw, unedited, and unaltered… We’re looking at the REAL DEAL HERE!!! On TV, I believe they have made efforts to emphasize the destruction and insanity of what addiction/alcoholism can do. I am hoping that looking at these “real” images will wake some people up who identify as addicts/alcoholics and want to continue getting loaded.

Well, here you go, I am fortunate enough to share with you what I was like just a month ago as I came out of my 3 day meth haze and different pictures of me in successions of getting better physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Again, the point of this blog is to provide anyone who has questions about how “destructive” the disease of alcoholism can have on a person who seemingly is doing well in life!!!!

HERE ARE THOSE PICTURES… AGAIN, IF SEEING PICTURES OF ME “NOT WELL” WILL UPSET YOU, PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE WITH SCROLLING DOWN… BRACE YOURSELF!!!!

YOU MAY CLICK ON ANY OF THE THUMBNAILS TO SEE AN ENLARGED VERSION OF THESE PICTURES!!!

Above is a picture of me on 4/11/08 after a 3 days of being high; suffering from malnutrition, dehydration, & 72 hours deprivation from sleep… As you notice, my sobriety date is 4/18 meaning that I did indeed have one last run from 4/15 – 17 and had my first 24 hours clean and sober on 4/18… It is my hope that April 18, 2008 will be the only sobriety date I need to remember for the rest of my life!

I am certainly not a vision for you… Suffice it to say, I can’t stop grinding my teeth… My face is making involuntary expressions and my eyes are sooo exhausted and bloodshot from being up for so many hours. Trust me that this picture is genuine and I personally think trumps that of any crazy public service announcement advocates have to send a message of how destructive crystal meth can be!!! I say this with great humility and not with any air of arrogance… Hell!!! You’re looking at a picture of me at my worst!!!

I get to look at these pictures of me looking in the mirror the morning of 4/11 and the morning of 4/17 and realize that there are no romantic notions to getting loaded. Please remind me to look at these pictures if I get in a space of wanting to use over some petty or not so petty excuse… As my last sponsor reminded me: “There is nothing sooo wonderful that getting loaded can’t destroy and there is nothing so terrible that getting loaded can’t make worse.”

I try to pull myself together to get to work on Friday, April 11, 2008… Goodness but it is difficult to do go to work when one has not slept in over 2 – 3 days and haven’t taken in any food or liquids either… There is no possible way I could’ve hidden how I looked on that Friday… May I not need to go through that again…

As much as I want to try to smile, my body is near broken as my disease covers my spirit up with more and more lies and self-deprocating thoughts pushing me only deeper into sadness, depression, and self-hate… The silver lining in all this is that this is what it sometimes takes a person to finally break down and surrender self-will and ask for HELP!!!

Here is a picture of me two days later… I am opening my eyes really big as I am grateful the bloodshot eyes are gone!!! They looked more shot through eyes rather than just bloodshot aye? Oh to the glory of the resilient human body and its ability to bounce right back despite the abuse we put on it.

Just another picture of me looking a teensie weensie better than 2 days ago (4/11)

What do they call “LUCK?” I heard the definition as when “opportunity meets action” I was taking the action to change and thankfully in taking that action, it so happen to fall into a window where there was an opportunity to capture a moment of some permanent sobriety for the day… I hope that all I will be doing every now and then is looking back and not falling back to where I was like back in 4/11 or even 4/15 – 4/17…

Ok… A fresh haircut, about 10 lbs lighter from my run and trying to pull it together again from a not so fun relapse where I hooked up with someone I know in recovery who also relapsed… Now that was demoralizing!!!

Just grateful to feel and look “a little” better… The obsession to use certainly had not left me… This was a very difficult time in my sobriety… I remember crying at the meeting and taking that “burning desire” share to let people know that I needed help staying sober for the rest of the night… I have been hitting 2 meetings every Friday evening for the past month.

Just another picture of me doing better…

Hey, HEy, HEY!!! Here I am today!!! What d’ya think?!!! Yes, I am trying to remember: “What others think of me is NONE of my business.”

More importantly, what I also need to affirm is: “I am willing to be uncomfortable” for a moment in order to achieve long term sobriety, serenity and happiness one day at a time.

I took this picture just before I started blogging today… Yes, this is a very very very current picture of me at 38 days clean and sober and hopefully will have 39 days clean and sober under my belt when my head hits the pillow tonight…

Just me being coy!!! I am very grateful for the sobriety I get today… I picked up a couple friends and took them with me to attend the closing AA meeting at the convention in Burbank. I got to spend time today relaxing, napping and doing chores and finally catching up on blogging as well as some bills and other pressing personal priorities. I get to work on addressing my important priorities on a daily basis:

1) Recovery

2) Work

3) Exercise

4) continue to work on having fun dating and getting to know my Sun-Sean

5) Cleaning up my apartment and let go of recreating the cluttered home that I grew up in

6) continue with working on my issues with therapy

7) continue to balance my recovery with fun and “money-conscious” activities incorporated into the life that recovery has brought me

I want to take a moment in thanking ALL of you for your kind prayers, thoughts and remarks… I wouldn’t have come this far without you. I have been getting a lot of hits on this website lately… People are coming up to me at meetings letting me know they found my website and didn’t realize I did a blog… There is the opinion that I am taking huge risks by sharing as honestly as I do on this blog… There is also the opinion that my blog has indeed helped others… Thus far, I haven’t experienced that much slack from people who don’t appreciate the contents of my blog and question my motive for blogging.

What keeps me blogging? Those who comment and e-mail me sharing the “healing” property that my blog brings. I have received e-mails/comments from friends and family of people that that I have blogged about… It seems that these “MEMORIALS” I have been writing are indeed appreciated. I can’t help but continue blogging about the people that are alive and who are in my life and have deep and effective influence on the quality of my daily living… First, thank you for your kind remarks and secondly, please continue commenting on this blog site this site isn’t just a site for me to spill my beans, but it also allows for a shared experience by all parties who are someway and somehow connected to me and through me through these human experiences… It makes a difference and allows for all to heal…

AGAIN, PLEASE SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS, EXPERIENCES, STORIES AND SENTIMENTS AND LETS MAKE THIS FORUM NOT JUST ALL ABOUT ME, BUT WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME… Just kidding!!! Please share about your own experiences if you can or cannot relate to what is written on these pages…

Thankful to be alive,

Quoc

Why my curious audience, indeed I do!!!  Alas, I find myself apologizing way too often for not checking in as often as I’d like to…  Sooo much more has gone on since my last blog!!!  MY GOODNESS!!!  Even now, I am squeezing some well deserved time for a couple quick blogs as chores beckon for my attention: laundry, bills, paperwork, dishes, bathroom to be cleaned and to declutter my home!!!!  Let’s see if I can sum it up and then write separate blogs dedicated to some thoughts and feelings that have welled up lately…

I have been going to therapy for the past few weeks… I had a great cry session this past Monday talking to the therapist about my past… He asked if I could remember those few occasions when I saw my Mother cried… I got to share those few experiences…  I cried as a few of those experiences that caused my Mom cry was as a direct result of my inappropriate behavior… The actions I took were indeed very very very unbecoming of a “good son.”  Then I had a flash to one of my last visits with Mom alone in the hospital when Mom shared with me that I was a “GOOD SON” and that the only return profit she wants in the investment that she’s made in her life is that her “children live a life with fewer hardships and with many more moments of happy moments.”  I am tearing up right now just thinking about it…   Therapy has been good for me whether I need it or not; it’s nice to work out some of the kinks that recovery may not necessarily allow for full exploration..

The obsession to use has indeed been lifted once again…  I am deeply thankful for that… I do have thoughts every now and then about using and momentary lapses where my head entertains the idea of how “fun” it would be to get high and have marathon sex…  I snap back into reality pretty quickly as my full life allows for very little moments of making excuses for going out and getting loaded.  So, I am very grateful for the 38 days clean and sober… I am thankful that I get to work on day 39 today and hope that I will get to get day 39 when my head hits the pillow tonight.

The AALA Round Up 2008 took place yet again this past memorial weekend.  It’s been yet another fun and festive weekend; I received much needed spirituality from getting to be in one room with about a thousand other Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual identified alcoholics and addicts to share with each other our experience strength and hope with one another; and to join hands and recite a prayer in celebration and gratitude for getting to enjoy one more day clean and sober!

I heard some pretty cool stuff this weekend… Any of it new?  Nah… But the messages were certainly presented in a new way which gave these affirmations the warm breath of life that someone likes me needs to continue holding onto affirmations and motivation to fight for my sobriety by surrendering…  If I were to leave with any quote or affirmation from any of the main speakers this past weekend, it’s the following:

As I travel on this journey of life, I will encounter opportunities and challenges in life… Within these opportunities, opinions will be shared to me either by myself or by other people that will tell me that I am not “fit” or “qualified” for that job position or that I am “undeserving” of that relationship and have “earned” that love and affection from another fellow.

The affirmation is regardless of what that opinion is, “I SUIT UP AND SHOW UP AND COMPLETE THE PROCESS ANYWAY AND LEAVE THE RESULTS IN GOD’S HANDS!!!”  I get the image of me shooting for the stars and landing on the moon!!!  Hell, landing on the moon is actually going 238,857 miles farther than I would have gone if I didn’t do anything at all!!!

The prayer that I get to remind myself is that if my life has indeed improved since coming into recovery or coming back from a relapse… Then instead of worrying about what mysteries (in the pessimistic sense) may come in the future to ask “God to help me remember that ‘the best is yet to come’.”

Speaking of the best is yet to come, I haven’t even talked about the guy I have been dating!!!  Want to know?  Well, you’ll just have to read it in the next blog…

Suffice it to say, my life is full as a matter of fact, it’s sooo full, I haven’t been able to incorporate everything I’ve wanted to do and juggle it all in a balanced and totally healthy manner… Alas, what is the addage?  Progress not perfection and indeed… Practice makes progress (goodness forbid I expect perfection) in striving for perfection…

Perfectly & imperfectly happy to be human today,

Quoc