Quoc’s Web Journal

Hey my peeps, check out my friend Frederic’s ALC website as he needs an additional couple hundred bucks to qualify to ride in the June 2008. He needs your help to raise that minimum amount to qualify him to ride and beyond that… This is the very same ride that I made the bid for but realized I had placed way too much on my plate and needed to scale back to take care of me and do things piece meal. I am hoping that you can pass the love and support you have for me to my friend who needs that extra nudge to make the $2,500 mark and perhaps even push the $4,000 goal he has going!!!

By the way, all these proceeds are going to help find treatment and ultimately a cure for HIV/AIDS!!!

Handsome Frederic’s website (it’s worth taking a look at as he is very very handsome!):

http://www.aidslifecycle.org/5686

On behalf of Fred, thank you for your generous contributions in support of this very very worthy cause… By the way, I will be riding in June 2009!!! KEEP AN EYE OUT AND IF YOU WANT TO MAKE A DONATION, YOU CAN DO THAT ON THE LINK THAT I HAVE RIGHT NOW IN MY EARLY PUSH TO RAISE FUNDS FOR NEXT YEAR… CHECK OUT THE LINK ON THIS RIGHT BAR!

Thanks again!!!

Quoc

So, I am five days from taking a chip for thirty days clean and sober… What actually is more of an incentive is that I have only four more days of taking newcomer chips!!! I’ve taken sooo many newcomer chips in the past couple months! I have taken way over 30 chips this past month as I have been going to multiple meetings on certain days. I am sooo over taking newcomer chips!!! I am sooo over standing up and identifying as a newcomer! I am sooo ready to take my week of thirty day chips and get to sit down for yet another three weeks before taking a week of sixty day chips before waiting… etc…

What I really get to do is hopefully to enjoy taking these newcomer chips with hopes that these will be my LAST newcomer chips I will need to take one day at a time for the rest of my life! So, how did I get to where I am today with the opportunity to get 26 days clean & sober when my head hits my pillow tonight? Well, there is this “guiding principle” for behavior change that we teach in the training I co-facilitate: “STRENGTH MOTIVATES CHANGE.”

I truly am on the receiving end and the direct result of strength motivating change!!! I remember just two weeks ago when I took my chip for nine days clean and sober on April 27, 2008. I was depressed and just didn’t feel very hopeful… What pulled me out of it? Going to a meeting and getting up to take a chip to hear the loudest most thunderous applause in support of myself and my fellow newcomers who were courageous enough to walk to the front, take a chip and hug and identify out loud in front of over two hundred people that we were newcomers! The applause didn’t stop for the thirty, sixty, ninety days, six months and nine months chip takers!!! It gave me goosebumps to hear so much love and support for their new and returning warriors in this battle to live with this disease called alcoholism!

This past week, what kinds of events supported me in growing?

1) Getting to go to a birthday party for three friends who celebrated five years clean & sober; there was a dance as well! What an amazing event… I had sooo much fun… I almost ended up adopting one of two baby kittens that was found on the street by someone coming into the party.

2) Getting to go to support group that I “was” assigned by EAP (work) and now actually find to be very very helpful in my personal growth. I really didn’t want to be there because I had nothing but contempt for this group I felt had nothing to offer me. Instead this last group I went to on this past Monday night helped me talk about and work through my issues with “dating and disclosure” of my HIV status… It gave me courage enough to do the right thing in getting to a place of being spiritually fit.

3) Tonight’s Big Book Study meeting that I have gotten to go to for a few weeks with my Sponsor and also didn’t really care for in the beginning and now I am seeing and hearing a level of courage and degree of honesty that I am not accustomed to!  It really creates for an incredibly safe place for me to feel okay to “tell the truth” and share “what’s really going on!!!”  I have such deep respect for these guys in the meeting.  I also have the opportunity to watch a few of the guys continue to grow and that only gives me hope that I am growing just the same with each passing day that I stay clean and sober… Thank goodness, the nickname they gave me “Slipper” has been fading with each passing week!

Gosh… Each week has it’s ups and downs…  I am indeed noticing there are more ups than downs as of late…  One thing I definitely know is that I continue to build my already strong support group.  I get numbers by the dozens per week and find it difficult to prioritize who to call and reach out to ask for help, be of service and commiserate with.  Now, that is what I call a quality problem!!!

Okay, I get to wake up early in the morning tomorrow to support a friend who is speaking at a meeting.  That means I need to get to bed in a timely fashion tonight.

Things are looking up!  Again, I know it is because of your thoughts, prayers, love, support, hugs, calls, text messages, e-mails and just warm gestures of care and nurture that keeps me staying and keeps me available and available to pass the love forward.

Deeply grateful for YOU (yes you reading right now!!!),

Quoc

Hey folks, I found this poem on Hunter Allen’s AIDS Lifecycycle website: http://www.aidslifecycle.org/5372

So far away, doesn’t anybody stay in one place anymore?
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
Doesn’t help to know you’re just time away

Long ago I reached for you and there you stood
Holding you again could only do me good
How I wish I could, but you’re so far away

One more song about movin’ along the highway
Can’t say much of anything that’s new
If I coild only work this life out my way
I’d rather spend it bein’ close to you.

But you’re so far away, doesn’t anybody stay in one place anymore
It would be so fine to see your face at my door
Doesn’t help to know you’re so far away

-Carol King

Hunter William Allen

November 17th, 1978 – April 24th, 2008

I also found a couple more very very special pictures of Hunter in his past ride on the Lifecycle:

You’re missed by sooo many down here on Earth…

Quoc

I realized I made a mistake and typed in the wrong website for those who want to contribute funds in memory of Hunter Allen.  Please find the corrected website for your reference: www.thebabydragonfund.com.

 I was one of Hunter’s friends.  On behalf of his family, his friends and all those who so articulated themselves so eloquently at the memoral, thank you!!!

Always in the spirit of love & service,

 Quoc

So, it’s 1:17A right now, Sunday, May 4, 2008.  I just got home from hanging out with a friend to catch up on my day…  Here are the highlights…

Slept most of the day to recuperate from my cold… It worked!!!  I am 80% better!

I got ready and headed over to Hunter Allen’s Memorial at Hollywood Forever Cemetary from 5:30P – 8P+.

I hauled *ss over to recovery meeting from 8:30P – 10P

Hung out with sober friend from 10P – 12:15A…

Will have 16 days clean and sober when my head hits the pillow tonight!

I can’t begin to share about the impact this past day has had on me…  I sit here looking at Hunter Allen’s myspace page and looking at his pictures.  I never took time to get to know him…  Sigh…  After listening and joining in with the hundreds of folks who attended the Memorial with Hunter, I realized that I really didn’t know that man at all!  What I am thankful for is the opportunity to have met him and that I took time out to honor and celebrate his life tonight along with his family and friends. 

I am truly at a loss for words at the experience I had at tonight’s memorial by the reflection pool at the Hollywood Forever Cemetary.  I can only share with you some highlights from what I saw, felt and heard; even the following words cannot do justice and illustrate the very powerful experience I got to partake in this past evening.

We started pretty promptly at 6P with a quick intro before enjoying some dinner and sharing of memories about Hunter with each other.  I took time to reunite with some long lost friends and of course hug and share stories about Hunter with others.  There were moments when I just sat back and looked out at the green field with the hundreds of people sitting there; all of us in communion to grieve the lost of such a young and exuberant man and also to celebrate his life (what he would have wanted us to do).  I participated in signing the banner that will be held up when the cyclist come in for the ALC; something he was gonna do this year.

This was truly a beautiful Memorial with stories from the podium from his good friends, his Parents and his Sister.  Hunter’s Mom’s partner who helped raise him shared the following sentiment: to those who are in recovery whether one had 3 days, 30 years, 3 years, or even 1 day clean and sober and have experienced a relapse “remember that you are the same person as before you relapsed: beautiful, good, good enough, accepted, loved, appreciated, and talented… etc…”  It was because Hunter forgot that or couldn’t accept that reality which possibly lead him to take his own life.  Feeling that he wasn’t worthy of being loved or earned the love, respect and adoration of people in and out of recovery.  That was so powerful!

His Sister shared the following sentiment: that she feels that it is within her right being as close to Hunter to make the following request; that we make this moment a moment of rejoicing and celebrating his life and remembering all the good things he did and the good times we had with him as from this point forth, Hunter’s spirit no longer resides in that shell we call the body…  He is a free spirit now driving a car in heaven and moving forward in his next level of existence.  He would look at his rear view mirror every now and then to see his past life… What do we want him to see?  Us crying and in despair or us smiling back at him as he looks back…

All parties shared that Hunter is now finally experiencing ”permanent freedom from bondage of this disease and infinite peace.”  This is something his family has wished for him!  People questioned where Hunter is and were reminded of by the wind blowing in their faces as they continued training for the AIDS Life Cycle; by the peacock calling out in the distance; by a joke that would randomly come out of the mouth of a friend who usually wouldn’t tell such a joke… Hunter is indeed around us and continues to be our guide and hold a candle for us in times of darkness and also be warm wind that embraces us in times when we feel cold or just the call of an animal reminding us that he’s right there loving, supporting and caring for us until we meet again.

The conclusion of the evening was a reinactment of the candles lit from his parents first and watched as we waited for those people who’s candles were lit to be passed onto us and we onto the next person…. Then we joined in a circle around the reflecting pool… There were hundreds around the reflection pool; it was silent as we held silent meditation in honor of him; the silence was broken by sniffles and people breaking down in tears then laughter and giggle as we heard yet another animal call.  People wept as I did… I smiled as I cried…  We heard a peacock call out in the disance… Then we heard a ducks call out as three flew over us and lastly a hawk call out from somewhere above us…  Each time, we laughed and thought it’s Hunter’s way of letting us know he’s right there with us.   Then in unison we held our candles above us as if toasting Hunter in the life he lived on earth and blessing him on his journey beyond this world.  We watched the family start blowing out their candles signifying the closure of Hunter’s life here on earth and supporting God in receiving him gently in his journey forth…  I had goosebumps (and have them now) as we watched the candles being blown out in succession one after another all the way down the reflection pool.  It was a very very beautiful sight to see…  We found people we knew and embraced each other again to comfort one another before we set out for our cars as the night air was very cool.

The picture above is the original picture of the candle lighting from the ALC in the past year(s); it is not a picture from the candle lighting from the memorial.  We re-enacted this around the reflection pool at the Hollywood Forever Cemetary.  The scene was just as beautiful and just as powerful!

Again, I am not feeling at my best and not feeling very eloquent tonight, but I felt it very important to record some of my impressions from this evening.  I had a moment that thought that any one of my relapses from the past couple months could have led to a very very similar memorial, but instead of Hunter, it would be me that people would be grieving over the loss.  I am very mindful fo the fact that I have a second chance to do this recovery one more time.  Without shame, guilt, or punishment for having a disease that wants me loaded and dead, but will settle for me miserable.  I get to extend that which my Higher Power exudes: Love, Tolerance, Mercy, Compassion, and Patience.

For those who want to view some of the pictures from the Memorial or would like to see pictures of our (my) friend, please go to the following sites… One very special one is www.thebabydragonfund.com as it has been created in memory of Hunter and proceeds will go to support youth impacted by crystal meth and hopefully will prevent for yet another unecessary loss of someone as precious as Hunter.

Again, Hunter, thank you for being my friend and helping me stay clean and sober one day at a time.  Thank you for extending your hand out to me when I relapsed and welcomed me back and having confidence and faith that I could make it back.  Thank you for continuing to light my path when it gets dark and helping me find my way back in the sunlight of the Spirit again.

IN LOVING MEMORY OF HUNTER W. ALLEN

 NOVEMBER 17, 1978 — APRIL 24, 2008

Always your friend and brother in sobriety,

Quoc

LINKS TO:

Slideshow of Hunter, family & friends:

http://s219.photobucket.com/pbwidget.swf?pbwurl=http://w219.photobucket.com/albums/cc8/hunterpop/eb92fa42.pbw

PICTURES OF HUNTER and link that supports the LAGLC’s youth services, meth addiction recovery and mental health programs; in memory of Hunter Allen:

www.thebabydragonfund.com

Hunter’s myspace address:

http://www.myspace.com/yummypop

Hey folks… I don’t have a lot of time to share tonight as I feel like I am constantly on the go… Here are some highlights from things I’ve heard this past week and mostly today:

- From Top Chef, I heard from Chef Andrew share at the end of the show that he was copping a “culinary boner.” That really made me laugh.

- From the speaker I heard today and from the past week, the following thoughts came to mind… I totally appreciated the speaker sharing about “telling the truth about what is really going on.” I also appreciated the speaker sharing about “suiting up and showing up” whether one wants to or not; because, as an alcoholic, one does “need” to show up! I was going to share about understanding how a person would not benefit from taking medicine for diabetics if they actually had cancer. As a matter of fact, it may actually have a deleterious effect! More so, one who has diabetes would not gain any benefit from taking HIV meds to treat the diabetes… Doing so for such progressive, fatal and potentially terminal diseases may lead a person to become ill and possibly die!

Very much the same way, here I was trying to treat my alcoholism (those feelings of being undesirable, unattractive, and lonely) with hooking up with men; isolation from friends who care about me; not maintaining a clean and beautiful home; and not taking care of myself on a daily basis (brushing, showering, resting, etc…). Acting on these kinds of things instead of treating my alcoholism with the proper medicine such as going to meetings regularly, being of service to people in and out of recovery, and vigorously, strenuously and constantly doing stepwork to bring myself closer to God and build a stronger bond with God are surely to get me loaded and could well kill me…

As time goes on and I become less sane and healthier, I analogize the trends in the nation today from people going on Atkins diet to lose weight and be healthier; or people who choose to be vegetarians in their diet to achieve a certain level of health physically, mentally and spiritually. I would imagine that being in an alcoholic, that the appropriate diet to maintain that health would be portioned meals of “God” in moderation all day long!!! This is what will keep me spiritually, full, fit and healthy! It would go against the very point of wanting to go on a certain diet to attain a certain goal without adhering to those certain rules and guidelines to achieve that very goal I want to achieve… The understanding that I must have is as an alcoholic and as I get healthier, to fill myself with a healthy diet of “God” on a daily basis and often throughout each day!!!

- With so many co-workers and friends sick around me, I am not surprised that as of this morning, I woke up with a scratchy throat and lots of congestion… The symptoms have gotten worse throughout the day. As I am about ready to go to bed, I find myself sneezing, coughing, sniffly, runny nose, and just all congested!!! Boo!!!

- For those who are trying to figure out how much time I have clean and sober from building one day at a time since April 18… I am happy to announce I have lucky 13 days today!!! I anticipate that I will make the 13 days when my head hits the pillow tonight and I wake up in the morning to greet the beginning of day 14 clean and sober!!!

- Here is an update on “Hunter.” Apparently, he did relapse and sometime during that relapse until someone discovered him deceased on Thursday night, April 24, he chose to take action to end his life… Yeah, he committed suicide… Sigh… There is going to be a Memorial service for him this Saturday, May 3 at 6P. If you’d like to find out where it is this Saturday, please e-mail me at quoclam@gmail.com and I will be more than happy to share that information with you.  I do plan on attending to pay my respects to Hunter passing on and again pray that God receive him gently into heaven.  I also get to show up to support the multitudes of friends and family he left behind when he passed on.

I still have thoughts of using… The difference is that I recognize the using thoughts, I call someone and share about it and I take contrary action and not act on that thought.  It’s ok for me to have alcoholic tendencies and thoughts…  What’s not ok is to act on those thoughts!  What I get to do today is to move 12 inches south to where my heart is, where God lives verses move 12 inches north to where my mind is, where the disease resides!

Today, my affirmations and call to actions are:

1) I am a sober, healthy, HONEST, sexy, desirable, adorable and beautiful HIV positive man who is desirable, needed and appreciated.

2) I let no thought dwell in my mind without my permission.

3) I am a sober adult who is willing to protect my recovery and willing to to what it takes to protect that recovery!

4) I am a good man!

Quoc