Quoc’s Web Journal

E-MAIL ME AT QUOCLAM@GMAIL.COM

So, before you continue scrolling down and viewing the attached pictures of me at different stages in my recent recovery, I want to take a moment in WARNING YOU that the following pictures may be disturbing and very very very scary… In the midst of my insanity about a month ago, I somehow took a moment to capture the image that I saw in the mirror…

I have heard so many alcoholics and addicts share about having that moment of clarity when they looked in the mirror and for the first time saw themselves; instead of seeing a beautiful and resilient human being, they saw what resembled more like an animal that had been abused and tormented… The images look as if a very brilliant make up artist for horror movies created such images, but no… The images below that you see (especially the scary ones) are raw, unedited, and unaltered… We’re looking at the REAL DEAL HERE!!! On TV, I believe they have made efforts to emphasize the destruction and insanity of what addiction/alcoholism can do. I am hoping that looking at these “real” images will wake some people up who identify as addicts/alcoholics and want to continue getting loaded.

Well, here you go, I am fortunate enough to share with you what I was like just a month ago as I came out of my 3 day meth haze and different pictures of me in successions of getting better physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Again, the point of this blog is to provide anyone who has questions about how “destructive” the disease of alcoholism can have on a person who seemingly is doing well in life!!!!

HERE ARE THOSE PICTURES… AGAIN, IF SEEING PICTURES OF ME “NOT WELL” WILL UPSET YOU, PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE WITH SCROLLING DOWN… BRACE YOURSELF!!!!

YOU MAY CLICK ON ANY OF THE THUMBNAILS TO SEE AN ENLARGED VERSION OF THESE PICTURES!!!

Above is a picture of me on 4/11/08 after a 3 days of being high; suffering from malnutrition, dehydration, & 72 hours deprivation from sleep… As you notice, my sobriety date is 4/18 meaning that I did indeed have one last run from 4/15 – 17 and had my first 24 hours clean and sober on 4/18… It is my hope that April 18, 2008 will be the only sobriety date I need to remember for the rest of my life!

I am certainly not a vision for you… Suffice it to say, I can’t stop grinding my teeth… My face is making involuntary expressions and my eyes are sooo exhausted and bloodshot from being up for so many hours. Trust me that this picture is genuine and I personally think trumps that of any crazy public service announcement advocates have to send a message of how destructive crystal meth can be!!! I say this with great humility and not with any air of arrogance… Hell!!! You’re looking at a picture of me at my worst!!!

I get to look at these pictures of me looking in the mirror the morning of 4/11 and the morning of 4/17 and realize that there are no romantic notions to getting loaded. Please remind me to look at these pictures if I get in a space of wanting to use over some petty or not so petty excuse… As my last sponsor reminded me: “There is nothing sooo wonderful that getting loaded can’t destroy and there is nothing so terrible that getting loaded can’t make worse.”

I try to pull myself together to get to work on Friday, April 11, 2008… Goodness but it is difficult to do go to work when one has not slept in over 2 – 3 days and haven’t taken in any food or liquids either… There is no possible way I could’ve hidden how I looked on that Friday… May I not need to go through that again…

As much as I want to try to smile, my body is near broken as my disease covers my spirit up with more and more lies and self-deprocating thoughts pushing me only deeper into sadness, depression, and self-hate… The silver lining in all this is that this is what it sometimes takes a person to finally break down and surrender self-will and ask for HELP!!!

Here is a picture of me two days later… I am opening my eyes really big as I am grateful the bloodshot eyes are gone!!! They looked more shot through eyes rather than just bloodshot aye? Oh to the glory of the resilient human body and its ability to bounce right back despite the abuse we put on it.

Just another picture of me looking a teensie weensie better than 2 days ago (4/11)

What do they call “LUCK?” I heard the definition as when “opportunity meets action” I was taking the action to change and thankfully in taking that action, it so happen to fall into a window where there was an opportunity to capture a moment of some permanent sobriety for the day… I hope that all I will be doing every now and then is looking back and not falling back to where I was like back in 4/11 or even 4/15 – 4/17…

Ok… A fresh haircut, about 10 lbs lighter from my run and trying to pull it together again from a not so fun relapse where I hooked up with someone I know in recovery who also relapsed… Now that was demoralizing!!!

Just grateful to feel and look “a little” better… The obsession to use certainly had not left me… This was a very difficult time in my sobriety… I remember crying at the meeting and taking that “burning desire” share to let people know that I needed help staying sober for the rest of the night… I have been hitting 2 meetings every Friday evening for the past month.

Just another picture of me doing better…

Hey, HEy, HEY!!! Here I am today!!! What d’ya think?!!! Yes, I am trying to remember: “What others think of me is NONE of my business.”

More importantly, what I also need to affirm is: “I am willing to be uncomfortable” for a moment in order to achieve long term sobriety, serenity and happiness one day at a time.

I took this picture just before I started blogging today… Yes, this is a very very very current picture of me at 38 days clean and sober and hopefully will have 39 days clean and sober under my belt when my head hits the pillow tonight…

Just me being coy!!! I am very grateful for the sobriety I get today… I picked up a couple friends and took them with me to attend the closing AA meeting at the convention in Burbank. I got to spend time today relaxing, napping and doing chores and finally catching up on blogging as well as some bills and other pressing personal priorities. I get to work on addressing my important priorities on a daily basis:

1) Recovery

2) Work

3) Exercise

4) continue to work on having fun dating and getting to know my Sun-Sean

5) Cleaning up my apartment and let go of recreating the cluttered home that I grew up in

6) continue with working on my issues with therapy

7) continue to balance my recovery with fun and “money-conscious” activities incorporated into the life that recovery has brought me

I want to take a moment in thanking ALL of you for your kind prayers, thoughts and remarks… I wouldn’t have come this far without you. I have been getting a lot of hits on this website lately… People are coming up to me at meetings letting me know they found my website and didn’t realize I did a blog… There is the opinion that I am taking huge risks by sharing as honestly as I do on this blog… There is also the opinion that my blog has indeed helped others… Thus far, I haven’t experienced that much slack from people who don’t appreciate the contents of my blog and question my motive for blogging.

What keeps me blogging? Those who comment and e-mail me sharing the “healing” property that my blog brings. I have received e-mails/comments from friends and family of people that that I have blogged about… It seems that these “MEMORIALS” I have been writing are indeed appreciated. I can’t help but continue blogging about the people that are alive and who are in my life and have deep and effective influence on the quality of my daily living… First, thank you for your kind remarks and secondly, please continue commenting on this blog site this site isn’t just a site for me to spill my beans, but it also allows for a shared experience by all parties who are someway and somehow connected to me and through me through these human experiences… It makes a difference and allows for all to heal…

AGAIN, PLEASE SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS, EXPERIENCES, STORIES AND SENTIMENTS AND LETS MAKE THIS FORUM NOT JUST ALL ABOUT ME, BUT WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME… Just kidding!!! Please share about your own experiences if you can or cannot relate to what is written on these pages…

Thankful to be alive,

Quoc