Quoc’s Web Journal

So, here is a check in… I almost relapsed today…  What that would have meant is that I would have thrown away 28 consecutive days clean and sober…  Any possible chance of getting to do anything productive and healthy for my life and the people around me…  I need to be very mindful that going out and getting loaded may mean losing my job, losing any chances to date, losing trust and peace of mind from my family, losing peace of mind from my friends, losing my home, losing my car… OH YEAH… LOSING MY LIFE or worst yet, LOSING MY MIND PERMANENTLY!!!

Tonight, I got an invite from someone in my past who wanted to get loaded with me.  As much as it makes complete and utter sense to vehemently decline the offer…  I sat with the text message that I received and contemplated it…  Thankfully I didn’t have long to contemplate this as I was headed to a meeting at 8P…  Parking was a nightmare and lead me to be late to the meeting which further agitated me.

While I sat in the meeting listening to the various readings, speaker sharing and the general shares by others, I couldn’t help but sit there feeling more and more uncomfortable…  I knew I needed to raise my hand and tell the truth about what was going on with me…  As the meeting drew to a close and there was a request for any “burning desires” meaning that if a person doesn’t share that they will go out and get loaded, I raised my hand reluctantly…  My eyes started welling up with tears…  My hand and body started to shake with fear…  I was split in two…  That part of me that was fighting for recovery kept my hand up and helped with tears asking for help…  That part of me that wanted to get loaded left my body trembling with fear as the disease realized that my hand raise and tears would totally give me away and allow for someone to notice and reach out and help… 

Two OTHER F*CKING PEOPLE WERE CALLED WHO SHARED HAD NOTHING CLOSE TO WANTING TO GET LOADED!!!  Part of me was relieved that I actually could blame getting loaded on the meeting that didn’t call me to share a TRUE GENUINE BONAFIDE BURNING DESIRE!!!  The other part was terrified that I was going to get loaded and disappear for a few days and miss out on work, miss out on my date with Sean, and more importantly miss out on the first mass e-mail invite I sent to people for a grunion run on Saturday evening, July 19, 2008… 

The meeting ran out of time and I didn’t get to share…  Tears were rolling down my face by this time…  My lower lip was trembling with fear, frustration, shame, disappointment, anxiety, and anger.  There was this thought that kept telling me to shut the hell up or I will foil any chance to go out get loaded and have great sex since the guy I am dating wasn’t eager to have me…  “A Vision For You” was read… I didn’t hear any of it as I tried to close my eyes and listen…  All I was really doing was fighting back tears while my ears throbbed loudly with the nervous beats of my heart… 

A friend J****n who sat to my right wrapped his arm around me… He had his arm around me trying to cheer me up and make me feel better and realizing that I was inconsolable and in trouble, just held me…  He didn’t stop the loving brotherly embrace until I got up with everyone else and joined hands wiping away a tear from each eye…  The “Serenity Prayer” followed…  I joined with tears in my eyes and shrilly voice of conviction:

“God, grant me the serenity…

To accept the things I cannot change…

The courage to change the things I can… (I said this with so much conviction and really spoke from my heart to God pleading for God to give me the courage to change the thing I can… STAYING SOBER FOR THE REST OF TODAY…)

And wisdom to know the difference.” (more tears flowed from my face as I continued to recite the last line…)

Another friend K***n asked if I was ok… He followed me as I tried to avoid him helping put chairs away…  He cornered me in a room and asked me what was going on…  I shared…  I cried…  I felt sooo foolish, weak, immature, and embarrassed…  He looked at me as if he saw a smart, courageous, and strong man who was doing whatever it took to demonstrate the deepest respect for the power this disease of alcoholism has and asked for help…  K***n praised me for sharing…  He told me that I don’t have to relapse…  He normalized my feeling by telling me that he was able to relate…  He suggested I pray to God… not later, right here and RIGHT NOW!  I was sooo emotional, I think I mumbled after him asking “God to please remove this obsession to use.” 

Then I was scooped up by another friend P**l who insisted on hanging out with me and standing guard with me until the feeling passed and I no longer wanted to act on my alcoholic instinct but rather act on spiritual will.  P**l didn’t give me an option, but rather directed me into his car as he took another friend home who lived on the Westside!!!  Good lord that was a long drive!!!  I sat in the back of the car moping while listening to some pejorative podcast of some guy joking around about the smurfs having sex with smurfette…  Every other word was a sexual profanity…  Oh my stars!!! 

I fell in and out of focus between just feeling emotionally exhausted from the evening affairs and listening to this really gross broadcast about gratuitous sex!  P**l finally dropped J****n off…  I got out of the car to get into the front passenger seat.  As I hugged J****n good night, I whispered in his ear, “Thank you for not letting go of me during the meeting, you may well have saved my life tonight.”  I really meant that… 

P**l took me back to where my car was parked at the meeting and we met at my place…  I brought him up to the roof where we chatted some more about recovery…  He constantly repeated how much I am loved followed by “if only you knew what a beautiful, smart, wonderful, intelligent, sweet, funny, adorable, amazing, lovable, man that we see in you Quoc.”  Everytime he did that, I looked away…  It almost felt like an excorcism was being performed on me and those compliments were holy water being splashed in my face…  It was very very very uncomfortable hearing those words that DID NOT match those things my head was telling me… 

When he noticed that I was too tired to do anything crazy and that I was in a safe place…  I walked him to his car…  We hugged, he kept repeating “I love you” over and over again during the hug…  I walked home and now blogging about this experience…

How grateful am I to have friends like J****n, K***n, & P**l come to my rescue in a time when one of their own; apparently, one of their favorite guys in the meeting rooms who is always so loving, supportive, of service and spritual is in a position of needing love, support and service come to my aid…  I literally would not have been able to make it through the evening without their help…  I don’t know if I would have gotten loaded if they didn’t intervene or not.  The fact of the matter is I sit here at 1:17A exhausted and grateful that I can claim I have 28 days clean and sober and when I wake up in the morning will be working on 29 days clean and sober and on Friday, get to take a chip for 30 days clean and sober and need not stand up as a newcomer anymore!!!

I needed to take a moment to testify and share this experience to those who doubt that when someone is in need of help in the rooms of recovery and has the courage to speak up, reach out and ask for help, the hand of AA will reach out and fight furiously to help that person in need of help to stay sober one more day.  Recovery is a miracle… What am I doing to demonstrate my gratitude for one more day clean and sober?

That I will write about at a future time…  Next, I will go to the side of my bed and pray… God, please quiet my head long enough to hear your whispers in my heart…  Please remove the obsession to use…  Please help me be a good friend and date to Sean, a loving brother to my sisters, be a worker among workers, continue to be a loving and strong and supportive member of recovery and MOST IMPORTANTLY REMEMBER THAT I AM A WONDERFUL AND LOVING SOBER ADULT MAN TODAY!!!

In debted to recovery,

Quoc