Quoc’s Web Journal

Eventhough, this entry is full of emotions that are not the happiest, that is not to say I have not had the most amazing week thusfar, hearing great solutions, continuing to build and forge friendships, and getting to be of service at work and realizing that I am a great counselor who is apparently nice to look at as well… Thank you to the clients that I got to test who flirted with me and called me “hot and cute.”  *blush*

So, I had quite the breakdown today… It’s been 4 days since I have had any sex with myself and over 23 days being physically intimate with anyone!!!  I went to group this evening with strong feelings…  Whatever was brought up during group clearly pressed a major button…

I ended up crying for the hour and half…  I needed to let these emotions out as they’ve been pent up in me…  I’ve gone one full week without going onto any of Sean’s website…  There are still some residuals of him that I haven’t been willing to let go of: his contact information in my gmail as well as the beautiful bracelets that he personally made and tied onto my wrists…  I find myself missing him and wondering how he’s doing everytime I see either the bracelets or the e-mail…  In the discussion at group and talking with my sponsor, I found that for now, considering how much I miss this person and giving power over to him and taking into consideration all the really wonderful memories and experiences I had with him and will carry with me for the rest of my life, I need to remove these visual reminders of him.

So, when I got home from my recovery meeting, at 10:11P; I turned on the TV to catch the tail end of celebration of Michael Phelps capturing the history making 7th personal gold medal in a single Olympics…  In doing that, I took out the scissors and cut the bracelets off and placed them in my God box…  These are precious treasures that bring me both extreme happy feelings as well as the painful thoughts that I don’t get to have any contact with someone I have such strong attachments and feelings for…  I shed a few more tears, closed the God Box and went to my e-mail… I glanced at the e-mail address, the home address, the business address, the phone number and the other miscellaneous wonderful information that I wish I could use to send him a text, card, care package, and just affection and closed my eyes for a moment… I reached over to my mouse and glided it over to his name… I selected his name… The dialogue prompt gave me the option of editing or deleting the contact information.  I left clicked and selected “delete.”  It asked me whether I was sure; I clicked ok…  The computer paused and the screen refreshed momentarily and Sean’s information was gone…  My heart ached and sank… 

I took the battery out of the camera and didn’t reset the date on the camera… So the date isn’t really 1/1/04… It’s Friday evening, 8/15/08…

Again, just so I can heal, I need to treat Sean as if it were a drug… I have turned a lot of emotional power over to this person and haven’t allowed myself time to heal from this…  He has offered me sooo many things that allow me to perceive that with him, that I am validated, fixed and ok… What I need to do is learn that I don’t need him to validate me or fix me and make me complete.  What I get to do is get to a place of looking in the mirror and seeing a complete and very very attractive man in every aspect…  I called my sponsor and my support group to share about it… Then I continued to watch the Olympics as I sifted through my stuff in my continued efforts to minimize and clean my home in creation of many new spaces for God to fill…

Today, I am willing to set aside my solutions and try it another way and take other people’s suggestions and completely surrender my will over to the care of my Higher Power.  Everytime I have done that I have been handsomely rewarded with my “difficulties” removed.  This doesn’t mean that I don’t have problems or issues… They are an expected part of life… What I get to learn and apply by staying clean and sober and working the program one day at a time is to pick up tools to manage and work through the situation that matches calamity with more serenity and matches the want and need to get loaded with the action to stay sober!

My Counselor pointed out to me that I am going to make mistakes!  I am going to hurt other people!  I am going to be hurt by others!  I am going to fall!  I am going to have bad moments and bad days…  What I get to do is to learn from mistakes made and grow from them…  Make amends to others that I hurt with the intention of NOT repeating those harmful behaviors again…  Learn to NOT take hurtful actions by other people so personally or be able to walk through feelings of hurt clean and sober and allow the feelings to have it’s beginning, middle and end…  I get to appreciate those bad moments and bad days and walk through them so that I can rejoice in the great moments and wonderful days that will grow with each day that I stay sober and do the work in having that spiritual awakening.

Today, I made a very very painful decision that I didn’t want to do, but I needed to do so I can continue on without feeling distracted and reminded of any other Higher Power than one that gives me unconditional love, support, tolerance, mercy, compassion and patience.  Then perhaps in the future, I will be healthy enough to enjoy the company of people who are healthy for me and learn to love those who aren’t healthy for me…  This may include Sean… For now, I just ask God to do what is best for myself and give Sean everything that he needs and wants for his happiness whatever that means!!!  Then I shut the f*ck up and work on getting Quoc well!!!

Here is to 25 days clean & sober… 

Quoc

PS – Thank you for not judging me and giving me advice as I continue to share these deep feelings I have for Sean and continue to find more joy in appreciating all the happiness we brought to each other and continue to let go of the not so healthy exchanges we had with each other and focus on my part…  It’s going to take time in learning to live without this person I feel so innately connected to.  Sometimes, we don’t get to be with the people that we feel we are meant to be with…  God help me take the actions that will allow me to be of loving service to others.

So, I have become much more fashionable and have a more keen eye to wearing fun and colorful clothing to match my personality… Who was the positive influence behind that?  Sean!!!  So, there will always be moments where I will continue to feel the void of from his not being an active part of my life.

Yeah, this smile is for real…  I am having lots of fun hanging out with friends, working the steps and continuing to build a sober life for myself and incorporating and becoming the living example of the qualities that I want in a man that I will get to call my lover, partner, best friend and husband.  For now, I get to be that person and earn that title for me; then perhaps I will get to share it with another.