Quoc’s Web Journal

No, it’s not what you guys are thinking!!!  Stop sticking your head in the potty!    I am writing to check in with my share that I gave from earlier in the evening in response to a share made by the main speaker who shared eloquently about his Higher Power!!!  Here are some highlights about what I said:

- I shared about being on the X Ride in Magic Mountain for the gay night event 2007…  I shared about going there on gay night to “have fun” on all the wonderful and fun rides.  I had great experiences on those rides that I have been on such as Viper, Colossus, or Goliath just to name a few.  Then there were a few new ones…  I specifically shared about riding X.  I shared about how one is literally in a seat with no flooring and one is only held in by a harness and how truly terrifying the ride was for me…  I shared about going on that ride and finding myself crying as the ride clink-clink-clinked as it made its way up while one is hanging on the harness facing down!!!  I shared about screaming “f***” the whole time I was on the ride literally scared out of my wits; I had nothing to do but to scream my way through a ride which is perfectly safe and secure.  The only one that was making it a nightmarish experience?  ME!!!  I was the one creating all kinds of drama as I screamed and felt incredibly unsafe on the ride.  The truth is that the ride was fine…  There was indeed a lot of screaming going on; but in that one instant on the ride, I had completely lost sight of the point of my going on this ride: to enjoy the experience!!!

I used this experience as an analogy to Higher Power taking care of me even if the situation feels incredibly uncomfortable and sometimes scary if not outright terrifying!!!  I shared about my concerns and fears with getting to co-facilitate my training this week.  I shared about the discomfort of working in a new environment; training after a 2 month break from training; and not only training participants, but also assisting by training a new trainer while I am at it…  I was concerned and had little faith that my co-trainer would facilitate the session the way “it should be.”  Who am I  to call that “different style” of training as ineffective?!?!  I need to remember to practice the 2nd tradition of the fact that there is “one ultimate authority” and that it’s not a ‘bossy Quoc’ in the group; rather that it is a Loving God in the Group Conscience!!!  As a leader, I am but a trusted servant; HOW AM I BEING OF SERVICE BY HELPING MY CO-TRAINER BE THE BEST TRAINER SHE ALREADY IS and assist with making the training even more effective without needing to say what I have been accustomed to with the regular co-trainer I work with.

And there was a moment where a story was told in a specific module that I have always told; today, I stepped aside letting her tell her own story… It was a brilliant story and the participants got it!!!  I had a moment where I questioned as to how truly unique, needed I was…  I immediately remember a wise friend who shared with me about me and the job I am doing: I am expendable!!!  Sure, the work I contribute is valuable, but certainly not sooo unique that I cannot be replaced with someone else just as qualified if not more qualified to do the training!  That made me use my mallet to beat myself up and feel “less than.”

In feeling bad about possibly stepping on the toes of my co-trainer and then feeling very self-righteous about “how the training should be facilitated” so the participants get it.  Sigh…  I am still rank with all kinds of people pleasing character defects!  Argh…  It’s caused me to feel less than; insecure; ineffective; unwanted and surely unimportant!  Sigh…  I know this is but my crazy insane alcoholic head talking.  I needed to take a moment to verbalize and document it though…

So, day 3 is over; I took another chip for 60 days at another meeting!  I am sooo darn loved!!!  Thank you Denise for your continued feedback and loving supportive comments with BNTQ!!!  We need to do dinner sometime Denise!!!

Much love to you all…

Quoc

So, who’s in desperate need of my love out of all the people in the whole wide world?  ME?!!!  I had a pretty rough day today…  It’s not that anything went wrong today…  As a matter of fact, everything went extremely smoothly!!!  Some mistakes were made and growth came out of the experiences…  The challenge is me getting out of my crazy self-loathing mind!!!  Argh!!! 

In not continuing to affirm the mantra “I let no thought dwell in my mind without my permission” over and over until it passed, I really brought myself into a pretty miserable state of mind… I felt isolated and lonely…  Here are some highlights from the past week…

- I graduated from my outpatient treatment program this past Wednesday…  As a result, I have lost the opportunity to share with an amazing counselor and group of guys that I absolutely love and adore and got to do with 3 days a week for the past 8 weeks.  I learn to adjust to this new routine…  I find myself a little lonely.

- I took a my first chip celebrating 60 consecutive days clean & sober.  I believe I have at least 63 consecutive days clean and sober now… I focus more on the quality of my sobriety and the actions I am taking to bring myself to experience that “deep and effective spiritual awakening” rather than how much time clean and sober I have.

- I get to co-facilitate a Basic 1 HIV Counselor Training with a new co-trainer.  It’s an adjustment what with training at a new location; not having trained for 2 months and getting back into training; and working with a new co-trainer.  It’s been interesting and very physically and emotionally exhausting for me.

- I have managed to somehow be in a space of “wanting” to go to meetings and wanting to call others and be of service and care for their well being and wanting to wish all well and see those in pain or who are antagonistic as just people who are spiritually sick.  It’s very very cool!!!  I have managed to go to a meeting everyday for quite awhile now…

- I managed to communicate to all people past and current that I need to work on becoming the person and living those attributes of that person I aspire to be…  Part of this means that I have cut out all sex partners for the time being so that I may create a complete and open space for God to fill it with somene I hopefully will get to experience intimacy on a much deeper level than just physical.  I am willing to endure some discomfort for long-term satisfaction of being whole and loving me and becoming the man that I want in others and actually being in a relationship with another man that exudes similar qualities.

- I shared at a meeting on Saturday morning that in preparing to generate my “fear” and “sex” list of the 4th step inventory that I am incredibly hard on myself.  I met with my sponsor earlier in the week and we talked about doing the sex and fear inventory… I once again started crying profusely deeply feeling the pain of guilt and shame from my past behaviors that have harmed myself and others.  My sponsor was smiling and excited and shared with me how exciting this process actually is.  That he wants to support me in not shaming myself for being a bad person from past actions done, but actually being proud and happy and excited by the fact that I am taking such a courageous step to identify my fears that have prevented me from being of maximum service for God to my fellow people and sexual conduct that caused harm to other people and did not live in line with the sunlight of the Spirit.  In generating this list, it’s a “beginning” in letting go of these “PAST” behaviors that I no longer need repeat and feel guilt for or be ashamed of again.

I currently live in the discomfort of being completely free of relationships that have any alterior motives or be in any situations where I am engaging in any activity that compromises the integrity of my spiritual cleansing process…  Being a spiritually centered and harmonious person means that there is a lot of serenity and lack of calamity.  I have found experiencing this much “serenity” and lack of chaos and calamity is leaving me very distressed and disturbed and unnerved!!!  It’s as if my life is too peaceful; my mind too quiet; and my phone calls to people too lacking in sharing about problems…  The emptiness feels incredibly…. um…. well… EMPTY!!!! 

I hope to continue experiencing this level of serenity and become more accustomed to it…  I have spent time with a different loving friend every night…  I have a core of friends I call on a daily basis… I have been telling the whole TRUTH to at least one person everyday leaving me completely clean of anything that would block me from the Sunlight of the Spirit I get to call my Higher Power.

Oh dear… I totally digressed… So, when I was sitting with my Sponsor sharing about my shameful past behavior; I noticed that in the dining room of my sponsor sat two people: him and me.  Out of these two people, there was one that I trusted unconditionally and knew loved me no matter what and wanted nothing less than the best for me.  The other person was full of scorn, resentment, hate and thoughts that radiated shame and guilt and lack of forgiveness… That “other” person was me.  In that moment, I truly understood the meaning that is consistently stated in the room: “We will love you until you can love yourself.”  I instantly understood how important it was for me to continue showing up in the meeting rooms so that at least one hour a day, I am surrounded by a group of people on a unified cause of staying sober one more day could give me the love that I currently am NOT ABLE TO CONSISTENTLY GIVE TO MYSELF!!!  Thank you for continuing to love me until I can love myself.

God, help me feel completely at ease and comfort with the wonderful life I have, the deep sense of serenity in my heart and mind, and the gratitude I have each day for one more day clean and sober; my health; life saving meds; loving support group; amazing sponsor; opportunity to be of service to others; opportunity to learn from mistakes made and grow; and just a moment to breathe in these beautiful and precious moments that take my breath away.

God help me walk with courage in continuing to take action and fight against the enemy of being industrious and diligent: procrastination; self-sabotage; sloth.

Thank you for your continued support guys as I make it through the week co-facilitating the training…  The pictures from all events are now in the cpu and have been resized and converted.  I need only find the time to upload them onto this site and post comments on them…

I know in having a lousy moment today, doesn’t mean I need to allow that to bleed into tonight and tomorrow.  I GET TO CHOOSE TO SET THESE SELF-ATTACKING THOUGHTS TO THE SIDE AND REPLACE THEM WITH THE LOVING, NURTURING, CARING, AND SUPPORTIVE SENTIMENTS AND THOUGHTS THAT YOU HAVE FOR ME.

I love you!!!

Quoc

PS – Thank you for helping me get one more day clean and sober!!!  Here is to working on day 64!!!  Yippee!!!

Have an iPhone?  Now there is a nice mobile version of this website that you can browse on the go.   Now you can have Quoc in your pocket!

Brad

7755

Oh my stars!!!  I CAN believe how amazing my life is today!!!  It’s funny because my immediate thought was that I “can’t” believe how amazing my life is, but then I took a moment to evaluate the validity of that statement and the truth is I CAN believe it!!!  Whoo Hoo!!!  That is sooo cool…

I literally don’t have time to do this blog right now because I get to work on my fear inventory before meeting my sponsor this evening at 8:30P…  I literally haven’t had a real free moment to even document the amazing happenstances in my life…  So, I am sorry if this sudden injection of a blog after many promises to do blog entries haven’t come to fruition…

Here are just a couple recent highlights I need to share with you:

1) I GRADUATED FROM THE 8 WEEK TREATMENT PROGRAM YESTERDAY, WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2008!!!  It’s a huge accomplishment and I worked really hard to do it!!!  I got nothing but love and praise from my friends in the program with me…  They called me “the life of the party, loving and warm, persistent and perservered, always welcoming, a powerful force within the cohesiveness of the group.”  These are just some of the things that were shared about me.  The cool thing is that as uncomfortable as it was to hear those things, I actually believed it within myself the very things they said because I can attach the action that reflected the sentiments that were being shared about me.  I am indeed a better man as a result of this amazingly effective and proven treatment program.  Thank you Friends La Brea for helping by giving me tools to save my life!

2) I AM AN AMAZING COUNSELOR.  Not just an HIV Counselor, but I am just an amazing counselor that knows how to go beyond just risk taking behavior, but truly go to the core of the true “circumstances” that lead a person to engage in risky behaviors.  Tonight was proof of that powerful session… I jokingly with my client stated that I felt like Oprah spouting loving and motivating statements to her.  I truly believe that I can be an amazing therapist!!!  Tonight really solidified that as the client was crying with tears because I had placed a bandage and healed some of the “spiritual and emotional” wounds within her by calling out the attributes that I saw in her.  It was sooo moving for the both of us.  I was happy that I didn’t just test a clietnt for HIV, but I truly touched her soul and help move it into a safer, more empowering and better place to self care!!!  I have the tools I have picked up from recovery and from the treatment program that have consistently shed love, light, support, praise and genuine care for my well being!!!  Thank you!!!  I feel sooo powerful right now and grateful to feel exactly the way God made me to be: a loving human being who’s able to transmit love and support to another because I have enough of it to give to myself to share with others.

3) I HAVE 58 DAYS CLEAN AND SOBER TODAY!!!  I just don’t have 58 days without having taken a drink/drug into my body…  I am literally a transformed man who absolutely loves myself…  The proof is in the pudding:  I woke up yesterday morning looking in the mirror imagining I was looking at Sean and was able to tell him I love him and miss him, but more so genuinely wish him well and happiness to get everything he wants to make him a happy whole person.  I am able to be a grateful worker among workers and not feel the need to be placed on a pedestal and treated “special.”  Being a humble servant to others is indeed an honor and a privilege.  I cut off ties with all sex partners as I don’t feel a connection with having shallow and superficial sex as gratifying to me any longer.  I no longer want to act on things that I find unattractive in other people…  I get to NOT BE A HYPOCRITE and be the man I want in someone else…  Loyal, loving, supportive, tolerant, fun, authentic, genuine, playful, human and expect to make mistakes, forgiving but hold healthy boundaries…  Someone who is available to share my full and complete life with another man, but not need another man to complete me.  I find myself comfortably in this position of being filled with an immense army of core friends that fulfill every yearning that I have had to feel needed, wanted, useful and loved unconditionally.  Today, I have a set of core friends that love me for my assets and despite my defects!  Because I have this core that we get to reciprocate deep and meaningful love with each other, I have an abundance of love to share with others and continue to attract new friends…  My problem right now is that I don’t have enough money and time to spend with my friends and do activities with!!!  WOW!!!  What a great quality problem to possess.  This is very different from the person from 58 days ago and before that.

4) I have been making dreams come true by having a girls night in with a friend to throwing a birthday party for myself to gettin to happily take my brother in law to the airport to creating a beautiful garden on my balcony to tuning up my bicycle in preparation to train for the AIDS Life Cycle to getting to spend time with friends practically every evening to getting to cry tears of joy and sadness freely and express all my emotions freely without needing to use because I get to share them with others who are infinitely loving and supportive to creating a beautiful home for myself and continuing to take the necessary actions to grow and be the best brother, friend, employee, and in essence human being that God intended me to be.

I need to get back to my stepwork as I only have 50 minutes to knock a “fear” inventory out; I am happily doing the stepwork TRUSTING without any doubt that I am gonna be a better person in the end from it!

YES!!!  I LOVE MYSELF!!!  I LOVE THE PERSON I HAVE BECOME!!!  I AM VERY CENTERED!!!  I HAVE AMAZING FRIENDS!!!  I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN!  I LOVE MY JOB AND AM BRILLIANT AT MY JOB!!!  I AM A USEFUL, NEEDED AND WANTED PERSON IN OTHER PEOPLES LIVES.

Quoc

PS – I will continue to affirm to blog, but the problem is my life is sooo kick *ss full that I don’t even have time to share it with you folks…  Thank you for this amazing life…  I can’t wait to take chips for 60 days and I am grateful for just getting to be sober for today.

Hey guys,

Still haven’t balanced out my schedule so that I can catch up on my blogs yet…  I know I keep promising blogs, but boy oh boy!!!  LIFE IS IN SESSION!!!  I have sooo many wonderful things going on that I can’t keep up…  Such as meetings, hanging out with people in my support group, continuing my efforts in readying my home for my friend to fill it with beautiful furniture, and recovery recovery recovery…  I am on my 4th column on my resentment list… I am transitioning out of my “outpatient” program on Friday, September 19, 2008…  I am 49 days clean & sober! 

Things are great… Again, I am ok folks… Thank you for your continued love and support…  I will blog as soon as I do find a moment to do so.

For now, much love and hugs and kisses to you!

Quoc

I know!!!  I know!!!  Where are the updates and pictures from the birthday party and this past week?!?!  They are on it’s way…  My life has been full and rich and literally bombarded with so many activities that I am having a difficult time balancing out all the wonderful things I get to do and wonderful people I get to hang out with and the wonderful growth I’ve had in the past week!!!

NO WORRIES!!!  I have been keeping track of all my pictures and have done mini written (yes, with a pen and note pad) summaries to remind myself of each passing day’s activities so that when I get down time this week, I will totally update you folks with a plethora of stories and pictures to follow!!!

I believe I have 42 days clean and sober today… It’s one more wonderful day!!!  Again, thank you for continuing to check in!!!  I can’t wait to update you folks on everything that has been going on….

I LOVE LIFE!  I LOVE YOU!  I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY!!!

Muah!!!

Quoc