Quoc’s Web Journal

So, who’s in desperate need of my love out of all the people in the whole wide world?  ME?!!!  I had a pretty rough day today…  It’s not that anything went wrong today…  As a matter of fact, everything went extremely smoothly!!!  Some mistakes were made and growth came out of the experiences…  The challenge is me getting out of my crazy self-loathing mind!!!  Argh!!! 

In not continuing to affirm the mantra “I let no thought dwell in my mind without my permission” over and over until it passed, I really brought myself into a pretty miserable state of mind… I felt isolated and lonely…  Here are some highlights from the past week…

- I graduated from my outpatient treatment program this past Wednesday…  As a result, I have lost the opportunity to share with an amazing counselor and group of guys that I absolutely love and adore and got to do with 3 days a week for the past 8 weeks.  I learn to adjust to this new routine…  I find myself a little lonely.

- I took a my first chip celebrating 60 consecutive days clean & sober.  I believe I have at least 63 consecutive days clean and sober now… I focus more on the quality of my sobriety and the actions I am taking to bring myself to experience that “deep and effective spiritual awakening” rather than how much time clean and sober I have.

- I get to co-facilitate a Basic 1 HIV Counselor Training with a new co-trainer.  It’s an adjustment what with training at a new location; not having trained for 2 months and getting back into training; and working with a new co-trainer.  It’s been interesting and very physically and emotionally exhausting for me.

- I have managed to somehow be in a space of “wanting” to go to meetings and wanting to call others and be of service and care for their well being and wanting to wish all well and see those in pain or who are antagonistic as just people who are spiritually sick.  It’s very very cool!!!  I have managed to go to a meeting everyday for quite awhile now…

- I managed to communicate to all people past and current that I need to work on becoming the person and living those attributes of that person I aspire to be…  Part of this means that I have cut out all sex partners for the time being so that I may create a complete and open space for God to fill it with somene I hopefully will get to experience intimacy on a much deeper level than just physical.  I am willing to endure some discomfort for long-term satisfaction of being whole and loving me and becoming the man that I want in others and actually being in a relationship with another man that exudes similar qualities.

- I shared at a meeting on Saturday morning that in preparing to generate my “fear” and “sex” list of the 4th step inventory that I am incredibly hard on myself.  I met with my sponsor earlier in the week and we talked about doing the sex and fear inventory… I once again started crying profusely deeply feeling the pain of guilt and shame from my past behaviors that have harmed myself and others.  My sponsor was smiling and excited and shared with me how exciting this process actually is.  That he wants to support me in not shaming myself for being a bad person from past actions done, but actually being proud and happy and excited by the fact that I am taking such a courageous step to identify my fears that have prevented me from being of maximum service for God to my fellow people and sexual conduct that caused harm to other people and did not live in line with the sunlight of the Spirit.  In generating this list, it’s a “beginning” in letting go of these “PAST” behaviors that I no longer need repeat and feel guilt for or be ashamed of again.

I currently live in the discomfort of being completely free of relationships that have any alterior motives or be in any situations where I am engaging in any activity that compromises the integrity of my spiritual cleansing process…  Being a spiritually centered and harmonious person means that there is a lot of serenity and lack of calamity.  I have found experiencing this much “serenity” and lack of chaos and calamity is leaving me very distressed and disturbed and unnerved!!!  It’s as if my life is too peaceful; my mind too quiet; and my phone calls to people too lacking in sharing about problems…  The emptiness feels incredibly…. um…. well… EMPTY!!!! 

I hope to continue experiencing this level of serenity and become more accustomed to it…  I have spent time with a different loving friend every night…  I have a core of friends I call on a daily basis… I have been telling the whole TRUTH to at least one person everyday leaving me completely clean of anything that would block me from the Sunlight of the Spirit I get to call my Higher Power.

Oh dear… I totally digressed… So, when I was sitting with my Sponsor sharing about my shameful past behavior; I noticed that in the dining room of my sponsor sat two people: him and me.  Out of these two people, there was one that I trusted unconditionally and knew loved me no matter what and wanted nothing less than the best for me.  The other person was full of scorn, resentment, hate and thoughts that radiated shame and guilt and lack of forgiveness… That “other” person was me.  In that moment, I truly understood the meaning that is consistently stated in the room: “We will love you until you can love yourself.”  I instantly understood how important it was for me to continue showing up in the meeting rooms so that at least one hour a day, I am surrounded by a group of people on a unified cause of staying sober one more day could give me the love that I currently am NOT ABLE TO CONSISTENTLY GIVE TO MYSELF!!!  Thank you for continuing to love me until I can love myself.

God, help me feel completely at ease and comfort with the wonderful life I have, the deep sense of serenity in my heart and mind, and the gratitude I have each day for one more day clean and sober; my health; life saving meds; loving support group; amazing sponsor; opportunity to be of service to others; opportunity to learn from mistakes made and grow; and just a moment to breathe in these beautiful and precious moments that take my breath away.

God help me walk with courage in continuing to take action and fight against the enemy of being industrious and diligent: procrastination; self-sabotage; sloth.

Thank you for your continued support guys as I make it through the week co-facilitating the training…  The pictures from all events are now in the cpu and have been resized and converted.  I need only find the time to upload them onto this site and post comments on them…

I know in having a lousy moment today, doesn’t mean I need to allow that to bleed into tonight and tomorrow.  I GET TO CHOOSE TO SET THESE SELF-ATTACKING THOUGHTS TO THE SIDE AND REPLACE THEM WITH THE LOVING, NURTURING, CARING, AND SUPPORTIVE SENTIMENTS AND THOUGHTS THAT YOU HAVE FOR ME.

I love you!!!

Quoc

PS - Thank you for helping me get one more day clean and sober!!!  Here is to working on day 64!!!  Yippee!!!