No, it’s not what you guys are thinking!!! Stop sticking your head in the potty! :-) I am writing to check in with my share that I gave from earlier in the evening in response to a share made by the main speaker who shared eloquently about his Higher Power!!! Here are some highlights about what I said:
- I shared about being on the X Ride in Magic Mountain for the gay night event 2007… I shared about going there on gay night to “have fun” on all the wonderful and fun rides. I had great experiences on those rides that I have been on such as Viper, Colossus, or Goliath just to name a few. Then there were a few new ones… I specifically shared about riding X. I shared about how one is literally in a seat with no flooring and one is only held in by a harness and how truly terrifying the ride was for me… I shared about going on that ride and finding myself crying as the ride clink-clink-clinked as it made its way up while one is hanging on the harness facing down!!! I shared about screaming “f***” the whole time I was on the ride literally scared out of my wits; I had nothing to do but to scream my way through a ride which is perfectly safe and secure. The only one that was making it a nightmarish experience? ME!!! I was the one creating all kinds of drama as I screamed and felt incredibly unsafe on the ride. The truth is that the ride was fine… There was indeed a lot of screaming going on; but in that one instant on the ride, I had completely lost sight of the point of my going on this ride: to enjoy the experience!!!
I used this experience as an analogy to Higher Power taking care of me even if the situation feels incredibly uncomfortable and sometimes scary if not outright terrifying!!! I shared about my concerns and fears with getting to co-facilitate my training this week. I shared about the discomfort of working in a new environment; training after a 2 month break from training; and not only training participants, but also assisting by training a new trainer while I am at it… I was concerned and had little faith that my co-trainer would facilitate the session the way “it should be.” Who am I to call that “different style” of training as ineffective?!?! I need to remember to practice the 2nd tradition of the fact that there is “one ultimate authority” and that it’s not a ‘bossy Quoc’ in the group; rather that it is a Loving God in the Group Conscience!!! As a leader, I am but a trusted servant; HOW AM I BEING OF SERVICE BY HELPING MY CO-TRAINER BE THE BEST TRAINER SHE ALREADY IS and assist with making the training even more effective without needing to say what I have been accustomed to with the regular co-trainer I work with.
And there was a moment where a story was told in a specific module that I have always told; today, I stepped aside letting her tell her own story… It was a brilliant story and the participants got it!!! I had a moment where I questioned as to how truly unique, needed I was… I immediately remember a wise friend who shared with me about me and the job I am doing: I am expendable!!! Sure, the work I contribute is valuable, but certainly not sooo unique that I cannot be replaced with someone else just as qualified if not more qualified to do the training! That made me use my mallet to beat myself up and feel “less than.”
In feeling bad about possibly stepping on the toes of my co-trainer and then feeling very self-righteous about “how the training should be facilitated” so the participants get it. Sigh… I am still rank with all kinds of people pleasing character defects! Argh… It’s caused me to feel less than; insecure; ineffective; unwanted and surely unimportant! Sigh… I know this is but my crazy insane alcoholic head talking. I needed to take a moment to verbalize and document it though…
So, day 3 is over; I took another chip for 60 days at another meeting! I am sooo darn loved!!! Thank you Denise for your continued feedback and loving supportive comments with BNTQ!!! We need to do dinner sometime Denise!!!
Much love to you all…
Quoc
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