Quoc’s Web Journal

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Hey folks, this blog is 99% composed by my lil’ noggin…  As time progresses, I find myself strapped for time to compose and share the inspirational lessons each passing day brings me.  To that end, I found the following Daily OM NOT WRITTEN BY ME but felt it very very appropriate for me to keep in mind with the current on-goings of me getting to know my Pearl (Blackberry Pearl that is).  Enjoy the following inspirational message:

October 29, 2008
Embracing Unpredictability
When Life Throws You A Curve Ball
In life, we are always setting goals for ourselves and working to make them happen. This gives us focus and ensures that we use our time and energy efficiently and effectively. It also provides us with a sense of purpose and direction. We know where we are going and what we want to do. But quite often, due to forces outside our control, things do not go as we had planned—the flat tire on the way to the wedding, the unforeseen flu virus—and we have to adjust to a postponement or create a whole new set of circumstances. Even positive turns of fortune — an unexpected influx of cash or falling in love — require us to be flexible and to reconsider our plans and priorities, sometimes in the blink of an eye. This is what happens when life throws you a curve ball.

The ability to accept what is happening and let go of your original expectations is key when dealing with these unexpected turns of fate. We have a tendency to get stuck in our heads, clinging to an idea of how we think life should go, and we can have a hard time accepting anything that doesn’t comply with that idea. The fact is that life is unpredictable. The trip you thought was for business — and when the deal fell through, you got depressed — actually landed you at the airport two days earlier than planned so you could meet the love of your life. Your car breaks down, and you are late for an appointment. While it’s true that you never arrive at that important meeting, you end up spending a few relaxing hours with people you would never have met otherwise.

In order to keep us awake to opportunity and to teach us equanimity, the universe throws us the occasional curve ball. Remember that curve balls are not only life’s way of keeping us awake, which is a gift in and of itself; they are also often life’s way of bringing us wonderful surprises. Next time a curve ball comes your way, take a deep breath, say thank you, and open your mind to a new opportunity.

 
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Have a blessed day to all and happy hump day!!!  Whoop!!!  Whoop!!!

Quoc

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Some day off I had…  I took Monday, October 27, 2008 off to recuperate from the long training week I had…  Yeah, I had the day off from work, but man did I have quite an eventful day and weekend!!!  Here is the highlight for today:

It was a very very very challenging day!!!  I had purchased and ported my phone number from AT&T to Sprint…  In doing so and getting on a more reasonably priced plan for comparable services, I signed on with a brand new red Blackberry Pearl.  Little did I know what I was getting myself into!!!  The Pearl is one hell of a complicated monster!!!

I spent over 1.5 hours Saturday evening with my best friend waiting for everything to be purchased…  There wasn’t enough time for the phone numbers to be ported over…  So, I left with my brand new phone in hand… I didn’t know how to do anything!!!  I didn’t know how to text; make phone calls, reply to phone calls and even answer phone calls!!!  I felt sooo darn crippled!!! 

The remainder of the evening was filled with fun and fanfare as we went to a Hollywood Squares AA which is famous for the Halloween dress up night.  I was too tired from my bicycle ride earlier in the day, but reluctantly agreed to going with my best friend to the All Together Center for their Halloween fundraiser dance event.  We then went over to Hamburger Mary’s and had a little something to eat.  I wasn’t feeling too good considering I was physically exhausted from the bike ride, emotionally distraught from the complex phone in my posession and mentally stressed from spending more money I really didn’t have in purchasing this phone and the new plan!  I stayed and fellowshipped anyway…  By the time I got home, I was wiped!!!

I slept in the next day to go and have a family visit in Bellflower with my Sisters Chin & Judy and Brother in Law Micol.  It was a lovely visit however one that flew by way too quickly!!!  I barely had time to buy V8 from Sam’s club, look to see if I could find any equipment for my bicycle and the training ride, gas up and head back home!!!  I got home in time to unload some food and run over to my 6PM meeting…  I stayed for the meeting.  My friend wanted me to join him at a party.  I didn’t go because I really wanted to get familiar with my phone.  I spent a little time reading through the specs of  my phone only to find myself falliing asleep. 

Thankfully, I had Monday off to take care of some more business… I had plans to wake up early to take care to Just Tires for wheel alignment and tire pressure check.  My car’s gas mileage is sooo bad!!!  Argh!!!  I woke up too late to do that…  I did play with the phone a little bit more… Now more frustrated than ever that I can’t figure things out… I generated a list of things I needed the Best Buy Rep to attend to and also additional supplies I needed for the phone. 

I arrived around 10A at Best Buy for assistance…  The nice Rep offered me nothing but obstacles upon obstacles… First we couldn’t get my old phone to sync up with the machine that was supposed to transfer my contact numbers over to my new phone… By the way, I have over 1,000 contacts to transfer over…  Then as we chatted, she told me that the Pearl couldn’t hold any more than 500 contacts…  That’s not good as I needed room enough to hold between 1,200 – 2,000 numbers!!!  I started getting upset at the thought that my current older phone from 2 years ago can hold more contact numbers than this new state of the art complicated computer of a cell phone!!!  We called the Sprint Customer Service line only to have our questions left hanging… I lost my patience and snapped at the Sprint Rep on the phone… I was sooo upset!!!

I got home by 11:40A feeling completed defeated and frustrated.  I just wanted to eat and give up!!!  I made a quick phone call to my best friend who was going to the noon meeting.  I got there all flustered in desperate need of a check in.  Some new guy who wasn’t working a great program shared… Blah blah blah…  I tried to keep my attitude and feelings in check…  Clearly it’s not the speaker, it’s my sour attitude!!!  My name wasn’t called during the raffle drawing format of this meeting.  When it came to the burning desires, there was room for 4 shares.  I had my hand raised only to see the friggin’ stand in secretary pick others who “in my opinion” had LAME SHARES!!!  I had a true burning desire!!!  I was seething!!!  I sooo desperately needed to vent my frustrations.  I didn’t get to… 

To compound matters, the people that were around me who asked me how I was were not really interested in hearing what I had to share…  They seem to be in a rush… I got outside the building wanting to vent to my BFF only to be faced off by some other newcomer who tried to give me advice on what to do to fix my phone.  In that instant, I just needed someone to listen to me and sympathize with my frustration!!!  He continued to provide me with advice…  I directly asked and demanded that I didn’t need any advice in that moment, I JUST NEEDED SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO ME VENT!!!  By this time I was frustrated and angry, but I vented anyway…  When I finished, instead of hearing “I am sooo sorry about your situation and how frustrating this must be for you.”  I got more advice, I just bit my lower lip and pretended to listen…  Then I turned to leave for my car.

I got into my car and made an attempt at calling my sponsor…  People were around me; no one stopped to check in with me…  I WAS CRYING IN MY CAR FOR GOODNESS SAKE!!!  Couldn’t people around me see?!?!  Thank goodness my Sponsor answered and listened to me vent and vent and vent…  I felt heard in that instant, but I didn’t feel better because I felt so abandoned by people all around me… I drove home with some of my sponsor’s suggestions…  I tried to find the equipment to transfer my old phones data into the CPU before I could attempt to transfer it into the new phone.  I couldn’t find the software nor could I find the connection equipment to even get step one down….

Completely frustrated, I just set the phone aside and started cleaning my home…  My bathroom was cleaned; my kitchen and all dishes were cleaned; all laundry was done; the home was vacuumed; I even tried jerking off to see if I could relieve some of the emotional pressure!!!  It didn’t work…

It was 6PM by now; my BFF called to check in with me…  He listened, he sympathized, he didn’t give me advice and just allowed me to just be mad and angry…  Thank goodness!!!  I went to 8P meeting early (yes, the 2nd meeting of the day) and helped set up chairs.  I asked around to see if people had experience with Blackberries…  I got some advice…  Then I shared during the meeting about my frustrations!!! 

In sharing I gave myself solution to treat my situation as if I had lost my old phone or broke my phone and the data in it was irretrievable and that I had to start fresh and new with my current phone.  I also shared gratitude for the fact that I have a problem with a phone that couldn’t accommodate for my 1,100 strong support group!!!  My GOD, I HAVE OVER 1,100 people currently in my support group!!!  And yes, I go through my phone every 3 months to clear out the ones that are no longer relevant!!!  This is sooo cool!!!  I shared gratitude that I had a day off to get to work on this; that I have a brand new phone with lots of features that I get to play with; that I have enough money to pay for the services I am receiving; that I still have 28 more days to test this phone out and if I am unhappy with it, I may trade it in for something completely different!!! 

I got to the root of my loss of serenity…  My phone is my lifeline and very very very important tool in my sobriety tool box… I use my phone everyday all day to make calls and text messages.  Since buying the phone Saturday evening, I wasn’t able to make calls or text messages nor was I able to do so most of Monday…  That really messed with my head.  It goes to show how little flexibility I have when it comes to change…  This gave me an opportunity to learn to adapt and be flexible and walk through challenging moments…  Sometimes it’s the simplest moments that can cause the biggest emotional shift!!!  It’s like that hang nail that incessantly nags and tugs at me!!!

I just couldn’t believe how quickly my serenity turned to chaos from snow flake, to snow fall, to snow ball to avalanche in a matter of 48 hours!!!  Sheesh!!!  I hope this experience will help me walk through future mini challenges with more acceptance and ability to adapt to changing conditions and not become a drama queen, grandiose, belligerent, assumptive, demanding, whiney, immature, pouty, inflexible butt-head!!!

Here are some other amazing highlights that I haven’t been able to find time to blog about yet!!!  Argh!!!

- Saturday, October 25, 2008 = I tossed my road bike into my friend Steve’s Durango and we drove over to Griffith Park for the ALC first Training ride!!!  It was most exciting!!!  There were 3 categories:  Category 1 = 12 miles; Category 2 = 24 miles; Category 3 = 35 miles.  I rode along with Steve and his friend Lauren (who happens to be the Chair of this here event!!!) on the 24 mile loop around Griffith Park…  The hill was treacherous!!!  Apparently, there will be more of those crazy incline hills as the training progresses in preparation for the main ride in June 2009. 

It was amazing getting to ride and learn all the different forms of communication among the riders.  There is a lot of prompting each other to keep people in front and behind safe: “Car up!!!”  “Car back!!!”  “Slowing down!!!”  “Stopping!!!”  “Rolling!!!”  “On your left!!!”  There was a lot of finger pointing for people behind us to point out any road hazards such as loose gravel or unexpected curbs, or people opening their car doors, etc…  It was really cool feeling this sense of community as I rode!!!  I have a full blog in my mind from this amazing first ride!!!

My bicycle brakes started acting up at the last .2 miles part of the ride!!!  Thank goodness!!!  How appropriate as they tell me to stick with the Lesbians because they not only will stop and help me out, but they will even do the work that us queeny gay guys aren’t willing to get our hands dirty for!!!  It was my wonderful Kris with Kitty Ears that helped me with the brakes…  Then when we arrived at the finish line, she brought me over to the bike pump to teach me how to inflate my bike tires…  Actually, she did it for me…  Both the female ride leaders were straight, but they were sooo nurturing and supportive!!!

I am well on my way guys and this year I am challenged to raise $3,000.00 to help find life saving meds for HIV Positive people and hopefully help bring us one step closer to finding a cure for HIV!!!  I will be in touch and have a link for you to help me raise this amount hopefully by April 2009!!! 

Sorry I have been so lousy with blogging… My life is incredibly full!!!  I have many many many pictures to share… I can’t wait to share some highlights with you on this blog and place the remainder of the comprehensive pictures on facebook!!!

HOW AM I GONNA FIND THE TIME TO DO ALL THIS?  I HAVE NO IDEA!!!  I have such an amazing full life!!!

Much love,

Quoc

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So, what kind of bees give milk?

“BOO”BEES!!!

Teehee…  I have been busting my *ss training this week…  It’s been the most challenging Basic 1 Training of my Training Career.  Practically everything that could have gone wrong did.  Thankfully, with the teamwork of my co-trainers, it’s all working out just fine.  Today, we finally made a breakthrough with the participants and the training!!!  The Trainers and the participants gelled together; better yet, the participants really came through demonstrating great comprehension of the material covered!

Whoo Hoo!!!

More to come folks as I will have this weekend off…  My sister helping me sign onto facebook among one of the many many huge blessings in my life!

Here is to taking 90 day chips all week long!!!  That’s a 1/4 of a cake!  Yippee!!!

Much love and gratitude for you guys!

Quoc

I’ve had an interesting day…  I have been craving physical attention in the past few days…  It hasn’t helped that some of my co-workers are having lots of sex and developing relationships effortlessly…  It hasn’t helped that some of my friends in recovery are dating, hanging out with their boyfriends or just really deeply in love and planning weddings.  Sigh…  My disease can’t help but take advantage of these weak moments to make me crazy!!!

The outcome is that I have been snapping at people, become more impatient on the road, and just feeling restless at night…  I have found great joy lately sharing my home with a friend who is currently in transition between homes.  I am grateful to get be a host for him.  It’s been thrilling to get to share this home with someone else… I’ve forgotten how enjoyable doing this has been…

In calling my sponsor this morning, I shared honestly about what was going on.  That I did use the tools of praying and asking God for help and taking the contrary action and doing gratitude list and calling other people and being of service, and repeating the mantra that I won’t let any negative thoughts dwell in my mind without my permission…  I tried all these different efforts to no avail.  I wisely shared with my sponsor that being sober doesn’t mean that everything will be peachy keen all the time.  More over, I came to acceptance in sharing that I know that moments like these where I do feel frustrated, lonely, and need of validation and just superficial attraction… I would love for someone; ANYONE to just come up to me and objectify me or hit on me or compliment me on my good looks or even just shyly come up to me and ask me out on a date.

I have the understanding right now that I will not place myself in a position to develop any intimate romantic relationships with anyone as I am not “spiritually fit” to maintain and manage a relationship like that.  I have the affirmation that I will not take any active role in looking for relationships until I have reached six months clean and sober or I have completed all 12 steps; whichever comes last!!!  I really want to be in a position where I am emotionally self supporting and fully present as a whole man who can have a healthy and loving relationship with another man that is equally emotionally self supporting and able to reciprocate in a healthy fashion the love that I get to share with the other.

So the outcome is that I did go to work and was of maximum service and did continue to say yes to life as it unfolded throughout the day.  I got to catch up with a friend after work.  We had thai food for dinner and then went to a meeting in the Valley where the speaker shared then asked for others to share about “surrender” as the topic of discussion.  I got to be the last person to share when they called for a quick last share.  Here is a highlight of my share:

I welcomed the newcomers and those who are recommited to the program of recovery.  I shared my appreciation for their courage in coming into recovery.  I also shared about my understanding of what “surrender” is.  It’s a VERB!!!  I shared about surrendering equating with hitting a bottom: when one hits a bottom, I am about to lose something I am not willing to sacrifice; whether it be my job, my health, my relationship or even my life!  I shared about the numerous times I verbalized surrender without following it up with the corresponding action. 

In surrendering, I am throwing my hands up… I am in essence, “giving up.”  I am giving it up to God!!!  What are the corresponding actions that I get to give up?  I get to take action in giving up (surrendering) my character defects in place of my character assets… In the big book it states that “resentment is the number one offender” or “selfishness is the root of my problems” or I cannot afford the “dubious luxury of anger” that other normal people may enjoy.  There are actions that one must take to surrender… At first to surrender by taking the action in taking the pipe out of my mouth, the drink out of my hand and then in sobriety to take the actions to surrender that which would lead me to the drink/drug.  In the short time I get as a sober man, I get to replace the actions that would lead me to lose my serenity or harmony. 

I completed my share about what I talked about above regarding feeling lonely and taking the action by surrendering… In surrendering this up to God, it doesn’t mean I don’t get to feel awful.  I actually GET to feel awful and walk through it.  I get to have an agenda for the day, and then tell God, let’s see what happens…  Because I stayed in action, stayed in solution… The rewards so happen to come to my first meeting on Friday night in the Valley and find myself surrounded by some of my favorite people ever…  The ensuing part is that I got a couple dozen really loving hugs that really healed within me that my soul, body and just mind craved for…  They had in essence healed within me because I was willing to suit up and show up.

I am so abundantly blessed today.  I give thanks for that and this little blurb….  Have a great weekend guys!

Much gratitude,

Quoc

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Teehee…  Walking through the cubicles at work, I happen to catch a glimpse of a note written in huge letters on an 8.5 x 11 sheet of paper: “I AM AN IDOIT, NOT AN IDIOT.”  Haha!!!  I love it!!!  Sometimes it pays to be dyslexic when it comes to messages we tell ourselves… Instead of telling me that I am an IDIOT when I make a mistake, I get to tell myself that I have learned a lesson from actions taken and I am an “I.DO.IT.”  Very very cool!!!

Sometimes, you never know the precious jewels for living harmoniously and in serenity when one is open to those “optimistic and positive messages.”

Hope all continues going well with you…

Busily yours,

Quoc

So, I am beginning to realize that I will have to make do with what little time I have each day to blog highlights of my incredibly full life!!!  I have found myself making promises to post pictures that I haven’t had time to do…  Why?  Because my time has been filled with opportunities: work; being of service; hanging out with friends; going to meetings; decorating and cleaning up my home; cooking; taking fun trips with friends; and just going going going!!! 

With that being said, I notice that I have not posted a blog with pictures from my birthday back in August; nor have I posted a blog with highlights and pictures from the birthday celebration for my Sister and her Hubby; I have not posted a blog with pictures and highlights from my getting deflowered by a friend in watching “Hedwig and the Angry Inch” for the first time ever; I didn’t get to blog and provide highlights and pictures of the amazing revisit to the tide pools with a couple friends down in Abalone Cove just north of the Korean Friendship Bell in Palos Verdes; I didn’t blog about how I spent October 4, 2008 as it would have been Mom’s 65th birthday; I don’t get a chance to share with you that I have been cycling and now feel like a serious contender for successfully completing the AIDS Life Cycle in 2009; lastly I haven’t been able to blog about the wonderful and invaluable lessons and tools from these past few months in recovery!!!  These are but a few of the highlights I can think off the top of my head as I wind down to go to sleep…

I will attempt to provide you with at least a quick highlight from today…  I only hope to have more downtime to do picture blogging soon… Don’t hold your breath as I just don’t have time to do it… Sigh… The pictures are indeed in the cpu and transferred awaiting to be uploaded… It just takes time for me to do a picture blog: usually 2 – 3 hours for a picture blog as I love incorporating commentary with each picture that is taken. 

Today, I technically celebrate 77 full days clean and sober!!!  Yippee!!!  The more important feature of this is that I have an amazing quality in my sobriety…  I have a wealth of friends I love and who absolutely love and adore me…  I have a much deeper level of self love than I have ever had!!! 

Today, I got to complete the second part of the 3 part 4th step inventory work… I completed the “FEAR” inventory.  I had already completed the inventory a few weeks back; upon closer inspection by my sponsor, he made a correction to the inventory I wrote… Apparently, I had completed an “AFRAID” inventory…  Apparently there is a difference in the use of these two words…  I may be afraid of getting sick, but the reason why I am afraid is because I fear discomfort.  I may be afraid of taking the steps in going back to school to get my Masters; that is because I fear that I will fail or discover that I have wasted my time in pursuing something I thought was worthwhile.  I may be afraid of disclosing my HIV status when dating someone or afraid of getting fat or any number of other “afraids,” I come to realize that fear that follows each of these circumstances is that I fear rejection, being unwanted, undesirable, unnattractive, unnecessary unlovable, not validated…  There was a consistent pattern…

So yes, I am afraid of quite a few things, but the cool thing from doing the fear inventory is that the conclusion about the things I am afraid of all boils down to the following 3 simple fears:

1) DISCOMFORT (physically, emotionally or spiritually in pain due to any number of circumstances)

2) FAILURE (which confirms my self perception that I am not good enough and deserving of good things in my life)

3) NOT VALIDATED and all the various renditions of what comes with not gettin ghe validation from within me and from others (i.e. – unwanted/undesirable/unnattractive/unnecessary/unlovable/rejected)

Wow!!!  Here I am pouring sooo much emotional energy and feeding not just twigs but full on logs into my fears and it boils down to those three things…  The solution is remembering that FEAR indeed is a lot of times “FALSE EXPECTATIONS APPEARING REAL…”  In prayer, I must also remember that FEAR is also a reminder that I am “FORGETTING EVERYTHING’S ALL RIGHT…”  Discomfort leads to growth and opportunities to be of service to others in the future from lessons learned from the discomfort I went through.  I can reframe failure very much the same way; a learning experience and that I get to pick myself up and try it one more time with hopes that I won’t approach the same situation with the solution that lead me to not succeed.  Lastly, validation will come with practice by asking God for help in helping me practice being emotionally self supporting and being as gentle, loving, patient, compassionate, merciful, and tolerant of myself as I extend to others…  This would hopefully lead to more dependence upon myself and my God in committing acts of love and care for myself without need of others to validate me and tell me that I am worth loving and belonging…

All this from a simple Fear inventory that I have been avoiding for weeks…  By the way, it only took me less than 45 minutes to complete!!!  With that being said, I have completed my resentment inventory, my fear inventory and will commence upon completing my sex inventory before meeting with my sponsor in hopes of going over the 5th step with him. 

I will again try to stay in touch folks as amazing moments like what I just wrote have been happening everyday for weeks and weeks!!!  If only I could wave a magic wand to stop time long enough to document these enlightening moments and joyous moments as I skip along this fun journey I get to participate in with you.

Thank you for your continued love and support… I am totally flabberghasted by all the loving messages and comments you folks post… They truly inspire me to keep blogging… It truly also causes feelings of frustration as I don’t get to blog as much as I would like to…

Until I blog again, keep coming back!!!  I promise those pictures will indeed be posted soon as I want to share with you my friends, loved ones and all those thousands of words captured in those instant framed shots…

Much love and gratitude,

Quoc

PS – I purchased a kick ass Nikon pocket sized camera.  The intention for this camera is to get to take pictures more spontaneously as I will have it on me more often with it being as compact as it is.  One project I have with this specific camera is to have a picture taken with me and every friend I currently have in my life and share that with you… If I am successful, I should have over 800 pictures with different smiling faces and one consistent face: me…  NOW HOW BLESSED AM I??!!??!!