So, I am beginning to realize that I will have to make do with what little time I have each day to blog highlights of my incredibly full life!!! I have found myself making promises to post pictures that I haven’t had time to do… Why? Because my time has been filled with opportunities: work; being of service; hanging out with friends; going to meetings; decorating and cleaning up my home; cooking; taking fun trips with friends; and just going going going!!!
With that being said, I notice that I have not posted a blog with pictures from my birthday back in August; nor have I posted a blog with highlights and pictures from the birthday celebration for my Sister and her Hubby; I have not posted a blog with pictures and highlights from my getting deflowered by a friend in watching “Hedwig and the Angry Inch” for the first time ever; I didn’t get to blog and provide highlights and pictures of the amazing revisit to the tide pools with a couple friends down in Abalone Cove just north of the Korean Friendship Bell in Palos Verdes; I didn’t blog about how I spent October 4, 2008 as it would have been Mom’s 65th birthday; I don’t get a chance to share with you that I have been cycling and now feel like a serious contender for successfully completing the AIDS Life Cycle in 2009; lastly I haven’t been able to blog about the wonderful and invaluable lessons and tools from these past few months in recovery!!! These are but a few of the highlights I can think off the top of my head as I wind down to go to sleep…
I will attempt to provide you with at least a quick highlight from today… I only hope to have more downtime to do picture blogging soon… Don’t hold your breath as I just don’t have time to do it… Sigh… The pictures are indeed in the cpu and transferred awaiting to be uploaded… It just takes time for me to do a picture blog: usually 2 - 3 hours for a picture blog as I love incorporating commentary with each picture that is taken.
Today, I technically celebrate 77 full days clean and sober!!! Yippee!!! The more important feature of this is that I have an amazing quality in my sobriety… I have a wealth of friends I love and who absolutely love and adore me… I have a much deeper level of self love than I have ever had!!!
Today, I got to complete the second part of the 3 part 4th step inventory work… I completed the “FEAR” inventory. I had already completed the inventory a few weeks back; upon closer inspection by my sponsor, he made a correction to the inventory I wrote… Apparently, I had completed an “AFRAID” inventory… Apparently there is a difference in the use of these two words… I may be afraid of getting sick, but the reason why I am afraid is because I fear discomfort. I may be afraid of taking the steps in going back to school to get my Masters; that is because I fear that I will fail or discover that I have wasted my time in pursuing something I thought was worthwhile. I may be afraid of disclosing my HIV status when dating someone or afraid of getting fat or any number of other “afraids,” I come to realize that fear that follows each of these circumstances is that I fear rejection, being unwanted, undesirable, unnattractive, unnecessary unlovable, not validated… There was a consistent pattern…
So yes, I am afraid of quite a few things, but the cool thing from doing the fear inventory is that the conclusion about the things I am afraid of all boils down to the following 3 simple fears:
1) DISCOMFORT (physically, emotionally or spiritually in pain due to any number of circumstances)
2) FAILURE (which confirms my self perception that I am not good enough and deserving of good things in my life)
3) NOT VALIDATED and all the various renditions of what comes with not gettin ghe validation from within me and from others (i.e. - unwanted/undesirable/unnattractive/unnecessary/unlovable/rejected)
Wow!!! Here I am pouring sooo much emotional energy and feeding not just twigs but full on logs into my fears and it boils down to those three things… The solution is remembering that FEAR indeed is a lot of times “FALSE EXPECTATIONS APPEARING REAL…” In prayer, I must also remember that FEAR is also a reminder that I am “FORGETTING EVERYTHING’S ALL RIGHT…” Discomfort leads to growth and opportunities to be of service to others in the future from lessons learned from the discomfort I went through. I can reframe failure very much the same way; a learning experience and that I get to pick myself up and try it one more time with hopes that I won’t approach the same situation with the solution that lead me to not succeed. Lastly, validation will come with practice by asking God for help in helping me practice being emotionally self supporting and being as gentle, loving, patient, compassionate, merciful, and tolerant of myself as I extend to others… This would hopefully lead to more dependence upon myself and my God in committing acts of love and care for myself without need of others to validate me and tell me that I am worth loving and belonging…
All this from a simple Fear inventory that I have been avoiding for weeks… By the way, it only took me less than 45 minutes to complete!!! With that being said, I have completed my resentment inventory, my fear inventory and will commence upon completing my sex inventory before meeting with my sponsor in hopes of going over the 5th step with him.
I will again try to stay in touch folks as amazing moments like what I just wrote have been happening everyday for weeks and weeks!!! If only I could wave a magic wand to stop time long enough to document these enlightening moments and joyous moments as I skip along this fun journey I get to participate in with you.
Thank you for your continued love and support… I am totally flabberghasted by all the loving messages and comments you folks post… They truly inspire me to keep blogging… It truly also causes feelings of frustration as I don’t get to blog as much as I would like to…
Until I blog again, keep coming back!!! I promise those pictures will indeed be posted soon as I want to share with you my friends, loved ones and all those thousands of words captured in those instant framed shots…
Much love and gratitude,
Quoc
PS - I purchased a kick ass Nikon pocket sized camera. The intention for this camera is to get to take pictures more spontaneously as I will have it on me more often with it being as compact as it is. One project I have with this specific camera is to have a picture taken with me and every friend I currently have in my life and share that with you… If I am successful, I should have over 800 pictures with different smiling faces and one consistent face: me… NOW HOW BLESSED AM I??!!??!!
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