Quoc’s Web Journal

I’ve had an interesting day…  I have been craving physical attention in the past few days…  It hasn’t helped that some of my co-workers are having lots of sex and developing relationships effortlessly…  It hasn’t helped that some of my friends in recovery are dating, hanging out with their boyfriends or just really deeply in love and planning weddings.  Sigh…  My disease can’t help but take advantage of these weak moments to make me crazy!!!

The outcome is that I have been snapping at people, become more impatient on the road, and just feeling restless at night…  I have found great joy lately sharing my home with a friend who is currently in transition between homes.  I am grateful to get be a host for him.  It’s been thrilling to get to share this home with someone else… I’ve forgotten how enjoyable doing this has been…

In calling my sponsor this morning, I shared honestly about what was going on.  That I did use the tools of praying and asking God for help and taking the contrary action and doing gratitude list and calling other people and being of service, and repeating the mantra that I won’t let any negative thoughts dwell in my mind without my permission…  I tried all these different efforts to no avail.  I wisely shared with my sponsor that being sober doesn’t mean that everything will be peachy keen all the time.  More over, I came to acceptance in sharing that I know that moments like these where I do feel frustrated, lonely, and need of validation and just superficial attraction… I would love for someone; ANYONE to just come up to me and objectify me or hit on me or compliment me on my good looks or even just shyly come up to me and ask me out on a date.

I have the understanding right now that I will not place myself in a position to develop any intimate romantic relationships with anyone as I am not “spiritually fit” to maintain and manage a relationship like that.  I have the affirmation that I will not take any active role in looking for relationships until I have reached six months clean and sober or I have completed all 12 steps; whichever comes last!!!  I really want to be in a position where I am emotionally self supporting and fully present as a whole man who can have a healthy and loving relationship with another man that is equally emotionally self supporting and able to reciprocate in a healthy fashion the love that I get to share with the other.

So the outcome is that I did go to work and was of maximum service and did continue to say yes to life as it unfolded throughout the day.  I got to catch up with a friend after work.  We had thai food for dinner and then went to a meeting in the Valley where the speaker shared then asked for others to share about “surrender” as the topic of discussion.  I got to be the last person to share when they called for a quick last share.  Here is a highlight of my share:

I welcomed the newcomers and those who are recommited to the program of recovery.  I shared my appreciation for their courage in coming into recovery.  I also shared about my understanding of what “surrender” is.  It’s a VERB!!!  I shared about surrendering equating with hitting a bottom: when one hits a bottom, I am about to lose something I am not willing to sacrifice; whether it be my job, my health, my relationship or even my life!  I shared about the numerous times I verbalized surrender without following it up with the corresponding action. 

In surrendering, I am throwing my hands up… I am in essence, “giving up.”  I am giving it up to God!!!  What are the corresponding actions that I get to give up?  I get to take action in giving up (surrendering) my character defects in place of my character assets… In the big book it states that “resentment is the number one offender” or “selfishness is the root of my problems” or I cannot afford the “dubious luxury of anger” that other normal people may enjoy.  There are actions that one must take to surrender… At first to surrender by taking the action in taking the pipe out of my mouth, the drink out of my hand and then in sobriety to take the actions to surrender that which would lead me to the drink/drug.  In the short time I get as a sober man, I get to replace the actions that would lead me to lose my serenity or harmony. 

I completed my share about what I talked about above regarding feeling lonely and taking the action by surrendering… In surrendering this up to God, it doesn’t mean I don’t get to feel awful.  I actually GET to feel awful and walk through it.  I get to have an agenda for the day, and then tell God, let’s see what happens…  Because I stayed in action, stayed in solution… The rewards so happen to come to my first meeting on Friday night in the Valley and find myself surrounded by some of my favorite people ever…  The ensuing part is that I got a couple dozen really loving hugs that really healed within me that my soul, body and just mind craved for…  They had in essence healed within me because I was willing to suit up and show up.

I am so abundantly blessed today.  I give thanks for that and this little blurb….  Have a great weekend guys!

Much gratitude,

Quoc