Quoc’s Web Journal

9,052

I have been going through deep mood swings going from manic to depressive…  It’s been a very very frustrating few weeks…  Has it been a month or has it been a couple months?  I have indeed been on the go go go…  I haven’t had a moment to stop to pause and reflect and vent or decompress and check in with you and keep a nice routine of blogging…  Here is a culmination of some of the things that have been going on  just in the past month and perhaps it’s why I feel the way I do… PLEASE BE PATIENT AS I MAY END UP WITH VERBAL DIARRHEA TONIGHT FROM SO MANY WEEKS WITHOUT BLOGGING AND SHARING!

I complete 5th step with my sponsor on Monday night, November 3, 2008; 5TH STEP = ADMITTED TO GOD, TO MYSELF AND ANOTHER PERSON (MY SPONSOR) THE EXACT NATURE OF MY WRONGS.

I am directed not to get Sean (the guy I still have some feelings for) an anonymous birthday present…

I am spending money like crazy on stuff like equipment for my AIDS Lifecycle and buying the complete “Everybody Love Raymond” DVD series…  I have been stuffing my feelings and pushing my financial fears deeper by spending money I don’t have!  Argh!

Partaking in the protest during the post election week…

Getting sick either from protesting for too many hours and exposing myself to the elements; taking care of a sick and ailing friend; catching it from an ailing boss at work who didn’t have the courtesy to stay home…  The cold lasting for at least 2 weeks…  Fear of losing voice as my voice wasn’t getting better… Thankfully, my cold is gone this past week of November 17.  The result of spending September and October transitioning from just testing on the Mobile Testing Unit and not getting to Train and then getting thrown into not just Training Participants but also training a new Trainer…  Of course the stress of not having a home office to work out of until just in October when we finally moved back into our wonderful office in Echo Park…

Between the stress of adjusting to these drastic changing of hats in the past few months to getting sick and trying really hard in doing the best I can at my job, I got called into lunch this past Tuesday by my boss to discuss why I have been seemingly “perturbed.”  The insinuation was that after 3 months of sobriety, I might have relapsed…  That my calling in sick on Wed., 11/12 and Fri., 11/14 was an indication that I am either checking out or actually setting myself up to relapse…  I was deeply offended at first, but understood that these are a part of the consequences of my past actions and I still have a lot to do in rebuilding the damage that I have done not only to work, but to family and friends in rebuilding trust and gaining their confidence in my ability to be dependable and reason to longer question whether I am going to relapse and cause more damage to them…  It just is upsetting that me being legitimately sick and calling in sick; and then sucking it up and going to work on Thursday ending up too sick to work on Friday would be considered “excessive” absences…  Being that I am on a final warning, I was warned that any further infractions including calling in sick again would cause for me to possibly be fired.

By the way, I don’t have any accumulated sick days, so the time that I called in sick = 16 hours were lost pay.  That placed me in deeper financial debt which makes me feel even worse about my current situation!

Having gone through hell for over a month and change with the purchase of a blackberry pearl “smart phone” and signing on with a brand new company from AT&T to Sprint…  The phone has given me challenges from the huge learning curve of learning the keypads in texting and even making a gosh darn phone call on the phone to the phone automatically deleting my text history, phone call history and e-mails…  Then gets to a point where it stops receiving text messages, e-mails without me knowing causing me to lose possible important correspondences…  My phone calls, text messaging is a far cry from the numerous calls and text messages I used to make.  The phone was deemed defective after seeing 5 Best Buy Reps, 1 Blackberry Rep, and a few phone calls to Sprint Customer service…  The new blackberry pearl within the past 6 days of owning it started deleting my text messages and phone call logs within a couple days of owning it!  Argh!!!  I have finally started downloading the Blackberry software onto my cpu and backing up the data on the phone into the cpu…  Thusfar, being on day 7 with the phone, it seems to be doing what it’s supposed to and I have learned some of the ins and outs of using the phone and actually really appreciating the calendar feature on the phone in helping my goal setting via obsessive list making into the calendar…  VERY EMOTIONAL UP AND DOWN!  I only have 75 contacts in my phone out of the 1,100 still in my old phone waiting to be transferred into the new phone.

In the past few weeks, my sister signed me onto Facebook.  So, I technically have a facebook account.  Alas I haven’t had time to log onto facebook and get creative and add pictures and blog and catch up with friends and write on peoples walls and throw watermelons and all those other things that one can do on facebook… It’s been a point of frustration between being sooo behind with not blogging for weeks, not getting to update facebook, not getting to update myspace, not getting to catch up on my e-mails… I have felt very very disconnected and feelings bottled up.  I have been sharing with the friends I have been seeing in the past few weeks and months.  I have made some friends and the trust builds and grows and the bonds of these friendships I have continue to grow, but only if I continue spending time nurturing these friendships.  There is bound to be sacrifice in one way or another!  Alas, the sacrifice came in the form of not getting to blog, facebook, myspace, check my e-mails… I haven’t been able to catch up with so many people and old friends that have sought me out and want to catch up with me and see how I am doing… It’s been frustrating having such a full life that I haven’t been able to find the time to balance everything out to where I can fit everything I would like to do into my life!

Speaking of capturing memories… I have pictures on two different cameras and two different cell phones just waiting to be transferred.  I have been capturing wonderful memories from birthdays from myself all the way to other friends, from fun activities and important movements like protesting Proposition 8.  Memories galore that are meant to be looked at and enjoyed and shared with my peeps AND I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO DOWNLOAD, ORGANIZE, BURN CDS AND PRINT PICTURES, UPLOAD ONTO THIS BLOG OR FACEBOOK!!!  Argh!!!  It’s sooo frustrating.  I get correspondences from family and friends requesting for me to share these pictures and memories with them and I feel so badly about not having been able to fulfill those requests. 

I started training for the AIDS Lifecycle due to take place the first week of June 2009…  I haven’t even had time to see my website to see what my friggin’ rider number is!  I haven’t spent time updating all my contacts so I can start asking for the $3,000 donations that I need to raise by June…  I am thankful for having started training as I feel great about the experience and apparently fit enough to jump into the level above the beginner riders… I am able to average 25 miles cycling!  Kick *ss!!!  However, what with the protesting, extreme changes from cold to hot weather and of course the tragic fires and how that has affected the air quality for working out, I have staved off on training…  I am gonna do a 30 mile ride this Sunday…. It’s with my hopes it will not only be an enjoyable one, but one that I will be able to successfully brave!  With that being said, instead of being patient and asking for financial assistance and waiting for people to get to buy me christmas gifts in the form of bicycle equipment like bike shirts, shorts and pedals and clips for the bike, I end up buying a lot of the supplies at a very very very very very lofty price.  This of course sets me back deeper in debt and places my serenity and feelings of financial security in a total sucky position!

Speaking of the fires… The firestorms all around had some catestrophic effects on people all around Southern California…  The sad news I heard late last week was that Mt. Calvary Monastery where I have gone on the Men’s Spiritual Retreat for the past two springs burned down…  This was where I made amends to Mom by writing a letter to her and burning it April of 2007…  It was also when I got to share about the loss of by attending the retreat in 2008 and getting to solidify a wonderful friendship with some friends I am incredibly close with today…  These memories are thankfully captured in photo…  I have felt a deep sense of loss that I don’t get to go back annually to a place where I can find solace and meditation up in the mountains of Santa Barbara for a weekend to get away from technology and enjoy some time being in communion with Mom, God, the monks that resided there and of course the wonderful friends that I got to spend a whole weekend with…  This news has slowly afected and impacted my emotions and serenity in the past week…

Speaking of loss… Just in the last week, a wonderful lady who volunteers with us as an HIV Counselor contacted us informing us that she won’t be able to volunteer anymore because she’s been given a timeline of about 2 – 6 months before her malignant tumor takes her life…  I just got the news late last week…  This news has since brought up feelings of grief from losing Mom & Dad…  My alcoholic head started beating myself up questioning why a former tweaker like myself who has created so much harm get to live a healthy full life to date, while this woman who seemingly has spent a life of being of service and reminds oh so much of my own mother gets dealt the same fate as my Mom: an aggressive cancer that has caused her much pain and agony from battling with chemo for a few years (at least 2 years since I have met this wonderful woman) and now after all this strife, the cancer returns and now has come within a few months throw of dragging this woman’s body into a myriad of painful experiences before having her life taken from her…  I can’t help but feel incredibly powerless, loss of control, frustration, anger, sadness, resentment, shame, guilt and just a mixture of humbling feelings.  I am at a loss for how I can be there for this woman.  I have been sharing openly with my Sponsor about this matter and gotten suggestions and advice as to how to walk through this… 

Multiple personal friends have contacted me asking for help as they have recently testing HIV positive.  Being someone that feels deep guilt for having engaged in risky behavior in the past, this has certainly impacted how I have viewed my own livelihood and how I can support my friends who are learning to live life on a different plane.  I don’t care what people say about how manageable HIV is…  IT STILL SUCKS TO BE HIV POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It sucks big time to live with the stigmas that are attached with identifying not only as gay, asian, but also an alcoholic and HIV positive!!!  Phew!!!!  This has really f*cked with my head.  I am trying to work through this to the best of my ability.

There is the feeling of deep guilt for not having extended my deepest condolences to a wonderful and sweet woman I met a few months back when Chin and Micol were getting married…. I call her “Ms. Jennifer.”  She’s a close member of the family and a dear dear woman who I consider my Aunt…  She made delicious trifle in the time she was out here and taught me delicious quotes like: “Horses sweat, men perspire, and woman glow.”  I don’t know if she knew I was gay or not, but she treated me as just another wonderful and sweet member of the family.  Last I heard she had plans on traveling around Wales with her husband carrying the messages of hope, love and strength of God… A couple weeks ago, I got a phone call from my Sister informing me that Ms. Jennifer’s husband passed away…  In this time, there’s been a volley of e-mails back and forth among the whole family sending their love, condolences, support and prayers and thoughts…  All I have been able to muster up are nightly thoughts and prayers for her and the family out there…  There is no tangible evidence that I have any feelings of grief, sadness or any actions that demonstrate that I give a darn!  I do!!!  However, actions are the very evidence that demonstrate whether one cares or not.  I have been too caught up and consumed in my own life to even take time to STOP, read the e-mail and prioritize sending love, thoughts, prayers and sentiments of support and condolences to her and the family.  Goodness, I feel like such an *sshole!!!  This hasn’t helped me feel better…  I know all I need to do is to pick up the pen and write her…. I know all I need to do is start typing away and send her pictures and words via the internet…  Sigh…  Either way, my lack of ability to stop for anything that REALLY matters is yet another demonstration that something is going on with me.

ALLOW ME TO TAKE A MOMENT NOW AND CATCH ME AND YOU UP ON THE HIGHLIGHTS OF WHAT ALL HAS TRANSPIRED IN THE PAST COUPLE WEEKS…  First and foremost, upon completion of the 5th step, my sponsor in the past week gave me a list of character defects in working the 6th step.  It has been at least one week and I have yet to even pick up the pen to do any writing on the 6th step which helps me identify my defect in an effort to understand the benefits of acting on that defect and the negative consequences of acting on the defect.  I have been frustrated with myself for allowing my thoughts and feelings from the events from the above taking place leaving me in paralysis from needing to take action…. I met with my sponsor last night (Thursday evening) and what came out of it was very simple…  For me to get well, all that is required of me are two very very important things… First is WILLINGNESS…  The next thing is for me to get that spiritual awakening, there has to be ACTION.  My Sponsor posed the question…. DO I HAVE THE WILLINGNESS TO TAKE THE ACTION IN SPITE OF MY FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS?  The past week, I have demonstrated that I am not willing to take the action… Faith without works is dead.  Desire, dreams and hopes don’t come true without the WILLINGNESS TO WORK TOWARDS that goal.  I get to take the action, I also get to leave the results in God’s hands…

I have been working the 6th step by identifying the current and glaring defects of people pleasing, not setting healthy boundaries, being meddlesome and judgemental.  It’s been most difficult now that I am able to clearly see and feel when I am acting out on a defect.  I have been taking action in replacing those actions of being people pleasing by paying for friends dinner bills, tickets to observatory, groceries, and other expenses… I am using money that I don’t have and as the Big Book does quote should be used to go to my creditors… I cannot transmit something I haven’t got and right now, what I don’t got is an surplus of greenbacks!  I find myself automatically wanting to pay for little things here and there; well, the little things here and there have accumulated itself into one monstrous bill!  ACK!!!  Now I get to pay the price of acting on this defect.  It’s been very real…

So, in the past couple weeks, I have been wrestling with being consistent and judicious in who and when to spend money on somoene else.  Frankly, the solution is simple right now… UNTIL I GET OUT OF DEBT AND END UP LIVING MY LIFE IN THE BLACK RATHER IN THE RED, I DO NOT GET TO SPEND MONEY ON OTHER PEOPLE!!!!  I do not get to spend money on extravagances!  I get to experience the consequences of my actions an learn to get comfortable setting clear boundaries with people when I don’t have the means to pay for them so that when I actually have enough money to pay for others, I get to decide on when is the most appropriate time to do that… HOPEFULLY THE ANSWER LATER DOWN THE LINE IS THAT I WILL NOT BE PAYING MOST OF THE TIME… Perhaps some of the time…  It’s been most uncomfortable reframing saying no to others is saying yes to me….  That it’s not selfish to take care of myself.  That another person’s lack of financial responsibility doesn’t mean that I face the consequences of their actions.

I have a wonderful friend living with me right now…  Truth is God has placed this man into my life to guide me along as I become more and more spiritually fit to be in a relationship with another person.  While I work towards that goal, I have a few friends (my fantastic 4) that I stay in close contact with and learn to be honest with them… With my friend who is currently staying with me; he literally gives me an opportunity to co-exist with another person and learn to communicate my wants, needs and expectations.  I have been able to move from writing e-mails stating my concerns or needs to writing index card notes and in this past week as I have been frustrated with so many people disconcerted by my consistent boundary setting that I have been just saying it out loud…. It’s been incredibly uncomfortable.  What I get to learn and remember is that IT’S okay!  My friend shared that he’s been wanting to help out with paying for some of the household bills; he just didn’t quite know how to do that…  He didn’t know how to communicate that with me and I haven’t been communicating my need for help in helping around the house with paying for things… I have been such a gracious host that I have literally put myself into the poor house as a result…  Again, all is not lost as I caught it in time.  Everything is going to be fine…  What a wonderful opportunity that I got to have a sit down talk with my friend and tell him exactly what is going on with me and how I am feeling.  I have allowed myself to be completely vulnerable and honest with him with no barriers or sheilds whatsoever.  It’s a very very very humbling experience letting another person see me cry; hear me express that I can’t do this alone; that I need help; that I feel insecure; that I don’t feel good enough; and just be completely messy…  I have become a better man because of his friendship.  Hopefully having communicated this with him, I will get to feel a little better about being self supporting with everyone around me…

It’s important for me to be completely consistent with all people.  I don’t want a set of people to say one thing about me and then a completely different set of people say or perceive me differently because I am not acting consistently!

Among the litany of different things going on in my life, like more expense to come up such as needing to repair a nail in the tire, needing my car tires aligned, needing a timing belt replacement along with major tune up of my car, and more money poured into my car as I hear some rattling going on… Sigh…  I find myself just affected on so many different levels…  I feel as if I have fallen so far behind it’s pointless to go on…  Instead, I have been acting like a deer in front of headlights!!!  I have been frozen, which gets NOTHING DONE!  In stalling on taking care of even the most simple and immediate chores; it has bled into my justifying that I can’t possibly prioritize exercising or finding time to research further education like getting my Masters in Social Work!

Bottom line… I am experiencing a mixture of procrastination… beating myself up with defects, scared paralyzed from being so behind… second guessing a lot of things.  Not seeing the positive, but looking at the negative…

I am happy that I finally got some clarity starting with my recovery meeting this evening… I had the following thoughts during the meeting…. I feel like the man in “Footprints” again.  I feel as if I am the crippled man being carried by the members of Alcoholic Anonymous until I can walk on my own two feet again.  The truth is that all the above that is going on is just stuff… NO ONE HAS DIED from this… Perhaps some hurt feelings, disappointed people and a baffled other lot by my peculiar activities as of late…

I took a moment to think about the following reframe:

Eventhough I am on the brink of potentially losing my job, I am indeed gainfully employed and very very effective at what I do.  A gentlman made a comment about how “well spoken” I am during the presentation earlier in the evening.  I AM GAINFULLY EMPLOYED AND INCREDIBLY GOOD AT WHAT I DO AND I DO WORK HARD AT WHAT I AM DOING.

Eventhough, I am deep in debt, I am able to stop it in time to be caught up by no later than end of January 2009 which makes for a great new year’s resolution of getting caught up and start living my finances in the black and not red again.

Eventhough I have been feeling bad about myself and not acting perfectly, I have learned great lessons and have indeed made huge strides in learning to communicate and co-exist with others…  I already have taken some huge first steps, by talking to my friend this evening about where I am and asking for his support and help… Now I am finally completing a long awaited blog that is way overdue!!!

As I used to quote: “there is no such thing as too late; that’s why they invented death.”  The truth is that in my current situation, there is plenty of time to get caught up with my life.  I am doing fine.  Sure there is a little dust here and there and there needs to be some quick movement to remedy some current events that could turn sour, I can:

- write that e-mail/send that card to Ms. Jennifer

- complete the 6th step that I have been assigned

- vacuum my home and recommit to cleaning it up in preparation for people to come over and visit with me for movie nights

- sort out my bills and get a good plan to get my finances back in order again

- I can commit to transferring pictures to my computer one camera at a time and start burning cds for people and perhaps give it to them in time for the Holidays as a Holiday gift!!!

- I can get around to going through my e-mails and start replying to people one e-mail at a time prefacing perhaps with an apology and then move forward and catch up with all the wonderful friends I have in my life!

- opportunity to set new boundaries with people without needing to apologize for myself or actions that are self caring; upon setting these boundaries, I get to consistently practice my character assets and continue to let go of defects

- do my best in finding balance with work, friends, blogging, facebook, myspace, training for the lifecycle, and continuing to clear up the clutter in my home!

- I GET TO KEEP IN MIND DESPITE MY THOUGHTS THAT I HAVEN’T DONE MUCH AT ALL AND CONTRIBUTED AT ALL… The TRUTH is that I have been making huge waves and ripples of love, service and gracious acts for others…  It has all been very very productive… I need only learn to regroup and reprioritize some of my activities.

I am sooo sorry…  NO WONDER I FELT SO HORRIBLE… I HAD ALL THIS BOTTLED UP INSIDE OF ME!!!  I couldn’t be more grateful that my friend helped me pick myself up and walk over to the computer and type all this up…. Even now as we speak, he’s sitting in bed watching the “Golden Girls” on TV waiting for me to finish, get in the shower to wash off the day’s stressed and grime and negativity, get into some comfy pjs and just relax into the evening so that I will be fresh for the new day to come to be productive!

I GET TO START THE WHOLE PROCESS OVER FRESH AND NEW WITH ALL PAST TRANSGRESSIONS FORGIVEN.

Thank you for your continued support and patience.

Much gratitude,

Quoc