Quoc’s Web Journal

12,211

Ah…  Interesting how life’s lessons come full circle if I stay sober and hang around long enough…  It’s been about a year since I met Sean…  I remember falling head over heals for this guy… I think the feelings were mutual…  Reason?  We were both broken and incomplete at some level or other and complemented each other nicely…  We both were madly attracted to each other…

HOWEVER,

I had expectations that Sean who’s boyfriend had recently broken up with him (this is speaking one year ago) was in a stage in his life where he needed a bit of time to explore and date around…  Me, I was done dating and didn’t want to date around and was willing to step into a monogamous relationship…  Was I ready and able?  FAR FROM!!!

CONSEQUENCES?

I put myself through emotional turmoil trying to control Sean and manipulate the situation so that he would stay only with me.  That was not gonna be the case!  I cast aside my sobriety as a priority an was willing to live on “love.”  It felt good as we were a very very very very nice compatible pair as far as the fun scale as well as physically!!!  We really were turned on by each other just by being physically around each other!  It was really really nice!  I wasn’t willing to hear his clear communication that he needed a break from monogamy and wanted to DATE AROUND!!!  Yes, he communicated that with me… I wasn’t willing to hear or see it!  I was being a childish immature baby!!!

Well, of course, I relapsed being so self obsessed and not treating my spiritual malady and clearly not being a whole adult sober man to be present to be with another person and give us a chance to be friends and more…  He tried really hard and wasn’t a bad guy at all…  NOT AT ALL!!!  It was my unrealistic expectations that really skewed and warped my perception of him!  Sigh…  I was a baffled lot then!!!

CONCLUSION…

Why am I writing this now?  Well, isn’t it interesting that about one year ago when I last met him…  I would be in the same shoes as Sean…  I am currently in a place in my life where I feel like a mature whole adult man ready, willing and able to be fully present to discover the nuances and intricacies of dating and making new friends and building possible deeper friendships from that point… 

In doing so, I have been granted an opportunity to practice being completely honest with myself, my sponsor, my support group and learn how to date and get to know other people as friends and deeper…  I am learning the delicate art of when to disclose: my HIV status, my being in recovery, what my wants and needs are; and what my boundaries and limits are.  I am also learning the delicate art of when not to broach the subject of monogamy etc… I learn when is premature to bring up any such subject matters…  I am learning that different people have very very very definitions and timelines as to when monogamy should take place and how that communication takes place…

My most recent debacle with getting to know a new person that I was trying to figure out whether it was a good fit or not really gave me perspective on how I acted around Sean and what he felt and why he reacted the way he did around me.  I was not a vision for you and definitely did not exude the most attractive qualities… I acted insecure, jealous, neurotic, paranoid, needy, angry, demanding, disrespectful, entitled, grandiose, and just IMMATURE!  Who would want to be around someone like me last year?  I wasn’t able to see that about myself…

I got great perspective on that this time around and realize that I owe Sean a huge apology and amends!  It took a year and an experience where I got to kind of be in the other shoe where my current wants and needs are that of a spirit of openness and exploration and wonderment about how fun dating and getting to know another person can be!  And that I don’t have control over how other people act, feel, and behave…  What I do have control over is my own response and attitude toward any given situation. 

Sigh…  I am grateful for this kind of clarity!!!  Sometimes, lessons in life come when we least expect it… Or perhaps, it comes when God knows we are ready to see it for what God wants us to see it so it doesn’t get skewed and warped by my insane mind! 

Just a blurb…. I have to get to applying to other jobs and finishing up some more work and finish off with some prep work for training tomorrow… Then off to beddy bye…

Huggers to you all!!!

Quoc

12,134

Sigh…  Those of you who have known me for the past decade or longer know that my life is essentially is an open book…  Well, at least on this website…  I share VERY honestly about what I call the on-going saga of a spiritually sick man getting well…

The very intention of this website is to:

#1 Create a venue for me to express my joy to write and journalize… I have been writing in a journal since 1987…  Yeah, that’s over 22 years of journal entries… Over half of the entries in the past 8 years have been written in here on this blog… Yeah… meaning there is still 40% that you folks haven’t even read yet!!!

#2 Opportunity to keep those friends I have made along the way up to date with my life and somehow some way live vicariously through my absolutely insane and rollercoaster of a life!  In the midst of doing this, this site has received more than just a few hits from some close friends… I have received powerful and inspirational messages from many of you… I can’t thank you enough for those new friends and acquaintances I have corresponded with along this journey…

#3 To create a space where I may share my experience, strength and hope with others…  As I continued blogging, I realized my continuous sobriety became a regular part of the journal entries I wrote…  I received correspondences from others that my journal entries have helped normalize the experience they were going through; helped prevent others from acting on what I went through; help inspire those who needed my brand of life experiences; and definitely afforded an opportunity for those who have experience with something I was “going through” problem solve and walk through that…  You always kept me mindful of that fact that I am never alone…  I am grateful to you…  The hugest gift is that my life experiences… the triumphs… the mundanes… and definitely the mistakes made will somehow someway be helpful to another person out there…  THIS IS THE HUGEST INCENTIVE I HAVE ABOUT CONTINUING TO BLOG AND SHARE WITH YOU…

HOWEVER…

… I have found myself blogging less and less as my life becomes fuller and fuller… My life is no longer just a solitude soul trapsing around with personal experiences…  There have been incredible moments in my family, platonic friendships, work and romantic relationships that are growing with my life…  I find it more difficult in making a decision as to whether and when to use discretion about sharing about my life experiences and do so in a respectful manner with those around me who may not want to be placed in the lime light of these on-going blog entries… I hope that for the most part, I have used extreme care in asking for EXPLICIT consent from those I identify by name whether it would be okay to post their identity in my blogs… Those who have impacted my life in some way and did not present an opportunity for me to get permission to share, I have shared in a general way to protect and preserve their identities!

HOWEVER…

There is absolutely no way that complete anonymity be kept with some who figure out who that person is as they are the living examples and experiences in the real world from my written entries…  Some people are gonna figure out who I am talking about…

SO…. WHY THIS BLOG QUESTIONING WHETHER I SHOULD CONTINUE BLOGGING OPENLY OR NOT???

Well, this issue has come up a few times in these past years of blogging…  I am curious as to whether this site continues to serve it’s purpose anymore or not…  Whether this is a site that is being used to display my life out for the world to see…  I am starting to find out who all is actually checking out my site…  It turns out that more and more people who are actually IN my life today read my site…  I don’t my personal opinions, view and streams of consciousness to adversely affect my relationship with them…

PERHAPS…

Some things are better left unsaid…  We learn to pass gas discretely… Or to cover our mouths when sneezing or belching or release any other gas from our mouths…  There are so many darn etiquettes out there teaching one how to get along with other folks as to not leave them butt hurt…  I am realizing now that perhaps continuing to blog may leave me vulnerable in the following areas…

- WORK… As I grow within the company and perhaps expand outward to other companies in my career; reading about the personal experiences about my life may not be to my benefit!

- FAMILY…  I was trying to think of something to say about my family; however, I love them so and they are so darn used to me that I think they have to love me whether I decide to share this information on my blog or not… I love you family!

- FRIENDS…  Well, currently, my friends know pretty much everything there is to know about me.  I have been upfront and honest with my friends.  I have grown with each of them.  I am thankful we’ve given each other permission to be human and make mistakes…  It’s been interesting making friends and learning the art of delicate dancing around building and growing a friendship especially when sometimes the foundation of the friendships I have are really fragile and need to be handled with care until people get to know me; and even after that, there have been some interesting events that have occurred to disrupt that friendship or create an obstacle big enough to prevent that friendship from growing.  On a scale of 1 – 10, this rates as a pretty high 6 or 7 of concern and discretion when blogging about my friends. 

- ROMANCE…  All of us know that this area has definitely been a point of contention for me… I have relapsed soon after 3 years sober as well as 1 1/2 years later after that… My current sobriety has yielded hard work in building a relationship between me and God.  I worked strenuously, vigorously and constantly on building and expanding my spirituality!  In doing so, I have also become deeper connected with myself.  I have a much more positive sense of self and perception of self.  I feel more whole as a person than I ever have.  I have made myself available this time to share all of me with other folks.  First building on emotional intimacy with my close and platonic friends; then physical intimacy with just a few people in the past 9 months; then now, I get to start piecing those together into something more cohesive with both physical and emotional intimacy…  It’s an interesting combination of feelings that come up.  I don’t quite know the order and timing of communication with people…  When to disclose my HIV status; when to disclose me being in recovery; when to start talking about sexual relations and likes and dislikes…  When to actually engage in physical intimate relations…  Lastly, while all this is happening, I actually want to remember the growth and progression of these activities within the scope of my life…  I feel it would greatly benefit others to see how I have grown and enjoyed the successes of romantic intimacy; how I walked through challenging times in romantic intimacy…  However, how much can be shared on this blog without leaving the person(s) of interest to be overly concerned or informed about my thoughts, feelings, fears and hopes… I tried this with Sean many months ago and shared VERY VERY FRANKLY AND OPENLY about it…  That experience with Sean and getting to read what it was like greatly helps me gauge how much I have grown!

Sigh… I don’t know how much to keep in a written journal and how much to share on a public blog…  Writing leaves way too much room for interpretation.  Also, in writing a blog, you get to see only one dimension of a multidimensional nature of a romantic relationship…. HECK, with any of my journal entries, there are multiple dimensions and levels and progressions of each entry…  The entry would look very very different if I wrote that very entry on a different day, at a different time, depending on the specific circumstances!!!  So, do I allow such sentiments to be written down for the WORLD WIDE WEB to see and perhaps fall victim to subjective interpretation and thus a very linear reaction based on what is written on here (my thoughts, concerns, fears, hopes, dreams, questions, and just ramblings)…  I can cite those occasions when friends or loved ones have shared how foolish it is for me to blog on-line:

1) My friend Dawn from way back when feeling all hurt from my honest opinion about how I felt about her 8 years ago…

2) My last guy Sean who was an avid fan of my blog and kept up with reading my blog whilst dating me…  Both he and myself agreed that his reading and my writing the blog was not the most healthy…

3) My last sponsor sharing with me how he doesn’t understand how I would place so much personal information with myself in a public archive for so many people to read and possibly use against me.

4) My boss at work who read this journal blog from beginning to end a little over 9 months ago and shared and questioned whether I was blogging as a plea for help…  The end result was he got a greater understanding of my life and how I ticked and that may have helped him give me a second chance and lead me to still currently be employed at the same place and thrive and grow.

5) Most recent one happened this evening out of the blue…  Apparently, the blog I did a couple days ago expressing my feelings and thoughts of being torn really left this person to believe that I am a selfish, unfeeling, dishonest, and disengenuous and mean spirited person who is only out for self gain.  Truth is, it’s none of my business how this person’s reaction is.  However, it does lead me to think twice before blogging about future encounters and developments with dates as there will be questions, fears, hopes, exciting stories and experiences to share… Will these documented entries be read by those parties and lead them to believe that these journal entries are 100% reflections of how I really think or feel about a situation?  How do they know that some entries are before thoughts, after thoughts and sometimes thoughts while I am going through something with them…  Will they take these thoughts and feelings and displace them on the time continuum or rather use it to affect and influence their decisions and thoughts and feelings in response to what they think I am going through?

Suffice it to say, as my life continues to grow in so many ways, I question the appropriateness of continuing to blog…  Will it be appropriate for work to read some of my thoughts and feelings about work or my personal affairs?  Would these blogs read by friends and potential romantic peeps adversely affect their decision making process because they are basing their decisions on reading a very small spectrum of my thoughts or feelings or questions about how to navigate and maneuver through challenging or interesting relationship (platonic or romantic) situations and perhaps take the relationship in a different direction than if they didn’t know EVERYTHING I WAS THINKING ABOUT OR FEELING?  The truth is that there are pay offs to leaving somethings that are created in one’s mind to stay in ones mind.  I think the cool thing about this blog is that it gives me an opportunity to express my thoughts and feelings and interpretations of life’s experiences that would otherwise be left uncommunicated because they are just that… Stored in the mind…  However, perhaps, it’s time to revert back to conventional journalizing and put down the keyboard, in exchange for a pen and some paper and write all of my journal entries….

PLEASE VOTE ON THE FOLLOWING AND GIVE ME YOUR FEEDBACK:

1) Quoc, shut down this website completely; you are placing yourself in a vulnerable position by having so much privileged intimate information about yourself. 

2) Quoc, just change the direction of this blog to have a theme… Perhaps one of solutions in sobriety or tools to expand one’s spirituality, but share in a very very very general way…  Perhaps use this blog site as a supplement for pictures shared of all my experiences… Use pictures to express and communicate life’s experiences rather than the dynamic and kinetic and ever changing thoughts in my mind.

3) Quoc, stop trying to control how other people feel; what you are doing is amazing and inspirational!  Please continue blogging honestly about what is going on in your life as this blog provides a unique brand of frank and raw honesty that is refreshing and keeps us coming back to read your stories!  If they are dense enough to only judge and react or respond to you just from reading your blog, then perhaps those reactions and responses are great indicators as to whether you want to continue growing a friendship with them or now.

So, please be my sounding board.  I will pray about this and ask for more clarity before making a decision on which direction to take this blog…. The same… The end… Or something different…  I NEED YOU TO BE MY SOUNDING BOARD… PLEASE PROVIDE ME FEEDBACK VIA E-MAIL AT QUOCLAM@GMAIL.COM OR JUST POST A COMMENT ON THIS BLOG ITSELF.  I should have an answer within the next few weeks as to what my decision is from that point forth. 

Either way, I write because there is a joy, liberation and freedom in expressing myself for myself and my own emotional benefit…  It’s so appropriate that I just met with my sponsor in transitioning into steps 8 & 9 where I get to make a decision on how to interact and conduct myself with and around other people so that I do get to be a channel of my Higher Power’s peace, love and solution for myself and others.  I get to handle myself like a mature adult rather than a whiney immature child!  I AM A WONDERFUL ADULT SOBER MAN!

Until I blog again…  I am grateful for 9 months and 3 days clean and sober; for my health; for an opportunity to explore who I am and be loved and supported by others to nurture that; for a job that I love to do and get paid to be of service; for an amazing and loving support group; for an opportunity to be of service to others for fun and for free; for an opportunity to practice removing my character defects and replace them with my character assets.  JUST FOR ANOTHER DAY WHERE I LOVE MYSELF A WHOLE LOT MORE THAN  I HAVE EVER IN MY LIFE!

These are just some of the gifts of my sobriety!  For that I am grateful!  Huggers to you all!!!

Quoc

12,094

Before I launch into talking about what is going on with me and how I feel torn between a quality situation that my alcoholic head could quickly and easily turn into some disastrous mess; allow me to take a moment to recognize all the amazing things that have happened in my life…

Today, I celebrate and recognize 270 days clean and sober…  THAT’S 9 WHOPPING MONTHS!!!  Yes, if I were with child, I’d be due and would have delivered a very happy healthy sober baby!!!  I am very very proud of this accomplishment.  I have worked very very hard these past months to get to where I am today…  What are the huge blessings that have occurred in my life recently?  There are so many powerful moments that have passed just in the past weeks…  The thing is that I have been so busy living life, it hasn’t allowed for time to journalize and document some of these happenstances!!!

1) Turning 9 months clean, serene & sober!  Whoo hoo!!!  Thanks to y’all for your unconditional love and support!  There is no way I could have what I have without your love, guidance, wisdom and support!!!

2) I have been able to find peace and serenity with those people who’s chaotic and spiritually sick lives have impacted me.  I have been able to extend love, compassion, mercy and tolerance to them as they walk through life trying to find a solution to their spiritual sickness…  It has brought me a lot of peace of mind to be able to do that with a genuine heart!

3) I have faced opportunities to relapse… I mean literally having a pipe in my hands because I was stupid enough to let a homeless person who needed help spend the night on my studio floor!  The other situation was just some really really really hot hot hot guy who called me on the phone asking for help… He was loaded on meth and shared about having stuff in his possession and how tired he was of it…  BOTH scenarios very very scary… BOTH scenarios I am thankful to have been able to resist and play the tape all the way to the end if I were to get loaded and NOT act on it!!!  I had no intention of getting loaded…  I thought I was being of service to others…  I think I was… However the cost could have been my own safety and sobriety… The actual cost was indeed my peace of mind and feeling safe in my own home…  Lesson learned!!!  The other lesson from the phone call was NOT to talk to someone while they are loaded…. They are out of their mind anyway and goodness did it take me out of my mind!!! 

4) The gift however from #3 is getting to see how the disease can tear a person’s soul up from inside out… I literally got to see the black holes emanating from the sockets that were the person’s eyes…  There was nothing but blackness, sadness and UTTER hopelessness through those eyes…  Even any glimmer of desperation for salvation was twinkling away from this individual…  Very sad…

5) I’ve been able to kick my stepwork into higher gear by identifying my defects each day and affirming and taking action to replace them with my assets!!!  The main ones really keeping it simple to what used to be “childish” and immature behavior compared with what a sober responsible adult would act like!

6) I got to attend a wedding for a friend of mine that is very very very near and dear to me…  We carry similar burdens about our own self perception.  To see this man move out of that space, find himself to be willing to accept love from someone and be vulnerable around someone is such a powerful testament to what getting a conscious contact with Higher Power and then allowing Higher Power to work through the vessel that is our body to connect with others…  It’s beautiful!!!

7) Here is where I share with you what I am torn about…  So, I recently have made some huge strides in loving the person in the mirror and actually seeing a lovable person in the mirror…  I have an opportunity to date someone who is into me…  He’s a good person and a wonderful man.  There are some things about him that annoy me… He smokes (trying to quit).  He is cute, but he doesn’t make me weak at the knees upon looking at him…  Lastly, our energy levels are very very different.  He’s low key and well… You know me… VERY VERY HIGH ENERGY!  I have been giving us an opportunity to chat with one another and to get to know one another…  We haven’t even gone on our first date yet.  We’ve had a couple opportunities to spend the evening in bed together to just snuggle…  It’s ok…  I don’t know how I am feeling about him…  I have nicknamed him Eeyore… I know… I know…  Sigh…

Then there is this other person…  He’s incredibly hot… I mean he does make me weak at the knees upon seeing him…  As a matter of fact, his hotness factor makes me feel self conscious about my own looks…  I even wonder why this person would pick me (sign of me not fully embracing the fact that I am indeed a hot guy too!!!).  The point is he makes me want to be a better man and to work at taking care of myself more for him…  He challenges me to become a healthier man…  He is adventurous and very very sensuous and definitely crosses that line many many times into to sexuality that is seething like a volcano!!!  When we get together, it’s all about physical intimacy and no conversation about deeper intimacy than that…

Here is the rub…  I believe “Eeyore” has a thing for me and wants physical and emotional intimacy with me… I appreciate the emotional intimacy, but the physical isn’t all there…  I definitely have a thing for Mr. Hotness and want physical and emotional intimacy with him…  He appreciates the physical intimacy with me, but doesn’t want to cross that emotional intimacy line with me (trust me, I have delicately broached the subject of whether he’d be interested in more and didn’t get much of a response… sigh…)…  Then tonight Mr. Hotness is open enough to share with me that he has a thing for some “other” guy who is apparently super hot and makes him all gaga and googly for that guy… Mr. Hotness definitely wants physical and emotional intimacy with that guy… The “Other” guy is currently in a relationship with another man and cannot reciprocate the affection that Mr. Hotness has for him… I MEAN WOW!!!  What a terrible chain of affection being passed…  It’s linear from Eeyore to Quoc to Mr. Hotness to Other to Other’s Boyfriend!!!  LOL…  There is no more than 50% of reciprocation going on between two people…

Here is my question I need your advice on… PLEASE COMMENT ON THIS POST OR WRITE AN EMAIL TO ME AT QUOCLAM@GMAIL.COM…  What would your advice be? 

1) To give Eeyore a chance with hopes that he may become a Tigger… 

2) Be satisfied with the fact that I am able to fulfill emotional needs from Eeyore and physical needs from Mr. Hotness… 

3) Let go of both peeps and create a space for some”ONE” to come into my life that fits the bill for both emotional and physical needs…

4) You get to fill in the blank with anything my tired body and mind right now cannot think of…

The gift right now is that I am grateful for the opportunity to feel emotional affection for Eeyore and also experience the pleasures of physical intimacy with Mr. Hotness… Both afford me the opportunity to give and receive validation!!!  It’s a very very nice combination!  I am not being dishonest with any of the parties as there is no commitment going on YET.  However, I realize that this is not the type of relationship I can foresee for the long term.  I want someone that makes me want to be a better man; feel sexy emotionally and physically to him; have out of this world sexual intimacy along with that deep emotional and spiritual intimacy…  Is this something that truly is realistic to find between two people at any given time for any lengthy period of time?  I would like to think that it is truly possible on this planet… I refuse to submit to the fact that this idea may be a fallacy and what I have is as good as it’s gonna get!  However, in the midst of prancing along this continuum of connecting with people at different levels; does one experience these kinds of partial connections???  Well, obviously, as I am walking along this path right now…

Let me know your thoughts my peeps…  I am still incredibly intrigued by who all is out there reading what part of this 8 year journal about my life…

YES, I KNOW THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW ME KNOW THAT I HAVE MANY MANY MANY PHOTOS THAT HAVE BEEN CAPTURED AND SAVED, BUT NOT POSTED TO BE SHARED WITH YOU AND ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES AND FANS…

They are coming!!!  I promise!!!

Huggers for you all!!!  Thank you for your continued love, support, prayers, thoughts and kind gestures in teaching me to grow from a human doing to a human being one day at a time…

Quoc

11,868

So, you must be asking yourself, what ever on earth is Quoc talking about?  No, I am not out of my mind… I just have a few moments to type out some thoughts before I go to sleep… They are of the following just in the past day…

#1 – I received a phone call from AIDS Research Alliance… I had applied for a position there and went through 2 rounds of interviews.  The end result 3 weeks later after the interview appointment?  The Chief Administrator called me personally expressing her regrets that they did not hire me because I was “overqualified.”  As my friend reminded me, the bottom line is that they cannot afford me!  This is the greatest form of flattery!  I look forward to continue opening doors for myself for other opportunities as I know I am worth a lot more than I am getting paid… I continue to maintain extreme gratitude for the fact that I am employed especially in uncertain times like this…

#2 – I have been facebook dating this guy since March 29… So, it’s been 10 days!!!  LOL… I am gonna get to meet this cutie patootie tomorrow evening when I pick him up from the airport.  I will share more about him as time progresses.  For now, what I do know is that I am basing my decisions on sobriety first; then on serenity; and lastly focusing on where I can be of service to my fellow peeps in recovery, the man I get to date, my family, and where I can be of maximum service in my workplace!  I am so darn blessed to have so much in such a brief time coming back into the program!

#3 – If I haven’t repeated it already, a message has really resonated loudly with me… I heard it this past Saturday… It came from someone who had 34 years clean and sober…  She shared that alcoholism consists of 5% problem with the drink and 95% residing in my twisted thinking!!!  I get to do stepwork in resolving and recovering from this seemingly hopeless state!!!  I am very very clear that my stinking twisted warped thinking will get me in trouble!!!  I must be rid of selfishness, self-centeredness and act on self-sacrifice and selflessness in helping others!!!

#4 – I must remember sometimes that the most important person that I get to be of service to and to protect from suffering is the person in the mirror!  Earlier in the week, I helped a fellow newcomer friend who was homeless… The end result was me inviting someone who had drug paraphernalia into my home!  That is unacceptable!!!  Then I also spent some time talking to someone who was loaded and wasn’t quite ready to embrace the program.  I get to just listen and carry the message to them and most importantly, carry myself in a fashion that doesn’t place me in harms way and in jeopardy of relapse myself!!!  They got themselves in that sticky situation!  I already PAID my dues!!!  I no longer need to experience P.A.I.D. again… PAID for me stands for Pitiful And Incomprehensible Demoralization!!!  I paid once; I need not return again!!!

Hope I get to blog soon and have pictures posted for you… I have so many cool pictures to share!!!  Life is so incredibly full right now!

Huggers,

Quoc

… My control…

As a result of my best intentions and actions of being of service to others, I found myself staring down the crystal pipe of the very thing that brought me to my knees.  The lesson learned there is that no matter how strong my recovery is, I must be very very very cautious with who I let into my home…  I helped a homeless newcomer by letting him stay the night and sleep on the floor.  He had paraphernalia on me.  Thankfully, I was able to turn my cheek the other way and send him on his way the next morning.  I know that being exposed to such things as his paraphernalia despite it being overshadowed by his desperate situation leaves me to be triggered.  I am grateful I got to help him; however, it won’t happen again as my home is my sanctuary that I have worked far too hard for to have a mishap like that cause for me to relapse…

The other trigger happened last night…  It was someone with whom I had met months ago and welcomed into the rooms and provided my number to him should he ever need to call and ask for help.  He is a model and incredibly good looking.  I mean, INCREDIBLY GOOD LOOKING!  Smoking hot!!!  He called me after my meeting last night to talk about what was going on with him and how frustrated he was and how desperately he wanted to stop using but couldn’t.  He imparted with me that he still had quite a bit of meth left in his possession in his home and wasn’t willing to give it up and probably would finish smoking it before quitting.  I really empathized!!!  I got it.

I was able to share my experience and be a role model of attraction of what sobriety can look like.  He wasn’t ready and willing to hear solution of sobriety yet.  I didn’t want to cause him to let go completely as he was in a place of defense that someone would tell him to just quit or he’d die!!!  I remember what I needed to hear in my moments of sadness but still unwilling to quit…  I was able to establish that trust with him and cultivate the rapport with him so that he would feel safe in calling me if and when he wanted help.  In the beginning of the 30 minute long phone conversation, I found myself fantasizing and glamourizing his state of mind and think of my one opportunity to spend time with an incredibly sexy model…  I thought of the opportunity of possibly having sex with someone that good looking. 

It took everything within myself to continue focusing on the intention of why he was calling.  He needed help.  He couldn’t get out of the horrendous situation he was in.  He had no friends and randomly called me with hopes that I would be available to talk with him and listen.  I reminded myself that despite his exterior beauty, how terribly torn up and destroyed he must be and feel on the inside.  I reminded myself that if I were to go out and relapse again what would become of my job, my home, my car and my opportunity to date this guy I am chatting with on facebook…  I thought of the value of the amazing life that I have recreated in a very very short time.  I thought of the sweat, tears and hard labor I put in to reconnect with a power greater than myself and be in this blessed situation.  15 – 20 minutes into the conversation, I found myself sharing those very sentiments of where going out and relapsing would take me… I verbally communicated this with my suffering friend on the other side of the phone line…

He shared his gratitude with me that I was willing to spend time in talking with him and that he will call me when he needs help and that I have offered him some hope and an alternative to resolve his situation.  It felt wonderful to hear that.  I shared my gratitude that he was willing to be so courageous as to call and reach out for help.  On the inside, I shared gratitude for his willingness to share his current experience of what crystal meth is doing to him and reminding me of the awesome destructive powers of such an insidious drug…

I hung up the phone, drove the 1/4 block home and went up wound down in bed grateful to be clean and sober one more day…  My deepest gratitude comes from my willingness to share about BOTH experiences with a friend and also at an AA meeting!!!  I didn’t want to share for fear of judgement and unwanted advice.  I didn’t care.  I was told that I could only choose one of two options: to save my *ss or save my face.  I chose to save my *ss which equates to saving my life.  I raised my hand and shared rigorously honest about the situation and what my thoughts were…  I told on myself and shared about the action I took in response to those insane addictive thoughts!!!

This past weekend a person with 34 years clean and sober shared that alcoholism resides in 5% drinking and 95% in our twisted thinking!!!  That is why when one gets sober, that is really when the work begins in working on that twisted thinking and warped perspective and magnified feelings for everything…  I get to work on acknowledging I am an impulsive, overreacting, overly sensitive addict that cannot trust his mind when there has been little to no daily spiritual treatment! 

Today, I affirm to turn all my decisions and my life over to the care of the Higher Power of my understanding!  I am willing to surrender ALL OF MY WILL over to the care of my Higher Powers direction and guidance.  May my will and Thine be ONE!

Grateful to be clean and sober one more day…

Quoc

PS – My life is so big and amazing to the point where I am finding little time to download pictures or even find time to blog and share my experiences with you… 

My last facebook update was: I am amazed at how many feelings one can experience within a 24 hour period of time and I get to experience all those feelings good and not so good fully because I am clean and sober…  I get to see the beginning middle and end of each of these feelings.  I am grateful for this opportunity.