Quoc’s Web Journal

… My control…

As a result of my best intentions and actions of being of service to others, I found myself staring down the crystal pipe of the very thing that brought me to my knees.  The lesson learned there is that no matter how strong my recovery is, I must be very very very cautious with who I let into my home…  I helped a homeless newcomer by letting him stay the night and sleep on the floor.  He had paraphernalia on me.  Thankfully, I was able to turn my cheek the other way and send him on his way the next morning.  I know that being exposed to such things as his paraphernalia despite it being overshadowed by his desperate situation leaves me to be triggered.  I am grateful I got to help him; however, it won’t happen again as my home is my sanctuary that I have worked far too hard for to have a mishap like that cause for me to relapse…

The other trigger happened last night…  It was someone with whom I had met months ago and welcomed into the rooms and provided my number to him should he ever need to call and ask for help.  He is a model and incredibly good looking.  I mean, INCREDIBLY GOOD LOOKING!  Smoking hot!!!  He called me after my meeting last night to talk about what was going on with him and how frustrated he was and how desperately he wanted to stop using but couldn’t.  He imparted with me that he still had quite a bit of meth left in his possession in his home and wasn’t willing to give it up and probably would finish smoking it before quitting.  I really empathized!!!  I got it.

I was able to share my experience and be a role model of attraction of what sobriety can look like.  He wasn’t ready and willing to hear solution of sobriety yet.  I didn’t want to cause him to let go completely as he was in a place of defense that someone would tell him to just quit or he’d die!!!  I remember what I needed to hear in my moments of sadness but still unwilling to quit…  I was able to establish that trust with him and cultivate the rapport with him so that he would feel safe in calling me if and when he wanted help.  In the beginning of the 30 minute long phone conversation, I found myself fantasizing and glamourizing his state of mind and think of my one opportunity to spend time with an incredibly sexy model…  I thought of the opportunity of possibly having sex with someone that good looking. 

It took everything within myself to continue focusing on the intention of why he was calling.  He needed help.  He couldn’t get out of the horrendous situation he was in.  He had no friends and randomly called me with hopes that I would be available to talk with him and listen.  I reminded myself that despite his exterior beauty, how terribly torn up and destroyed he must be and feel on the inside.  I reminded myself that if I were to go out and relapse again what would become of my job, my home, my car and my opportunity to date this guy I am chatting with on facebook…  I thought of the value of the amazing life that I have recreated in a very very short time.  I thought of the sweat, tears and hard labor I put in to reconnect with a power greater than myself and be in this blessed situation.  15 – 20 minutes into the conversation, I found myself sharing those very sentiments of where going out and relapsing would take me… I verbally communicated this with my suffering friend on the other side of the phone line…

He shared his gratitude with me that I was willing to spend time in talking with him and that he will call me when he needs help and that I have offered him some hope and an alternative to resolve his situation.  It felt wonderful to hear that.  I shared my gratitude that he was willing to be so courageous as to call and reach out for help.  On the inside, I shared gratitude for his willingness to share his current experience of what crystal meth is doing to him and reminding me of the awesome destructive powers of such an insidious drug…

I hung up the phone, drove the 1/4 block home and went up wound down in bed grateful to be clean and sober one more day…  My deepest gratitude comes from my willingness to share about BOTH experiences with a friend and also at an AA meeting!!!  I didn’t want to share for fear of judgement and unwanted advice.  I didn’t care.  I was told that I could only choose one of two options: to save my *ss or save my face.  I chose to save my *ss which equates to saving my life.  I raised my hand and shared rigorously honest about the situation and what my thoughts were…  I told on myself and shared about the action I took in response to those insane addictive thoughts!!!

This past weekend a person with 34 years clean and sober shared that alcoholism resides in 5% drinking and 95% in our twisted thinking!!!  That is why when one gets sober, that is really when the work begins in working on that twisted thinking and warped perspective and magnified feelings for everything…  I get to work on acknowledging I am an impulsive, overreacting, overly sensitive addict that cannot trust his mind when there has been little to no daily spiritual treatment! 

Today, I affirm to turn all my decisions and my life over to the care of the Higher Power of my understanding!  I am willing to surrender ALL OF MY WILL over to the care of my Higher Powers direction and guidance.  May my will and Thine be ONE!

Grateful to be clean and sober one more day…

Quoc

PS – My life is so big and amazing to the point where I am finding little time to download pictures or even find time to blog and share my experiences with you… 

My last facebook update was: I am amazed at how many feelings one can experience within a 24 hour period of time and I get to experience all those feelings good and not so good fully because I am clean and sober…  I get to see the beginning middle and end of each of these feelings.  I am grateful for this opportunity.