Quoc’s Web Journal

12,094

Before I launch into talking about what is going on with me and how I feel torn between a quality situation that my alcoholic head could quickly and easily turn into some disastrous mess; allow me to take a moment to recognize all the amazing things that have happened in my life…

Today, I celebrate and recognize 270 days clean and sober…  THAT’S 9 WHOPPING MONTHS!!!  Yes, if I were with child, I’d be due and would have delivered a very happy healthy sober baby!!!  I am very very proud of this accomplishment.  I have worked very very hard these past months to get to where I am today…  What are the huge blessings that have occurred in my life recently?  There are so many powerful moments that have passed just in the past weeks…  The thing is that I have been so busy living life, it hasn’t allowed for time to journalize and document some of these happenstances!!!

1) Turning 9 months clean, serene & sober!  Whoo hoo!!!  Thanks to y’all for your unconditional love and support!  There is no way I could have what I have without your love, guidance, wisdom and support!!!

2) I have been able to find peace and serenity with those people who’s chaotic and spiritually sick lives have impacted me.  I have been able to extend love, compassion, mercy and tolerance to them as they walk through life trying to find a solution to their spiritual sickness…  It has brought me a lot of peace of mind to be able to do that with a genuine heart!

3) I have faced opportunities to relapse… I mean literally having a pipe in my hands because I was stupid enough to let a homeless person who needed help spend the night on my studio floor!  The other situation was just some really really really hot hot hot guy who called me on the phone asking for help… He was loaded on meth and shared about having stuff in his possession and how tired he was of it…  BOTH scenarios very very scary… BOTH scenarios I am thankful to have been able to resist and play the tape all the way to the end if I were to get loaded and NOT act on it!!!  I had no intention of getting loaded…  I thought I was being of service to others…  I think I was… However the cost could have been my own safety and sobriety… The actual cost was indeed my peace of mind and feeling safe in my own home…  Lesson learned!!!  The other lesson from the phone call was NOT to talk to someone while they are loaded…. They are out of their mind anyway and goodness did it take me out of my mind!!! 

4) The gift however from #3 is getting to see how the disease can tear a person’s soul up from inside out… I literally got to see the black holes emanating from the sockets that were the person’s eyes…  There was nothing but blackness, sadness and UTTER hopelessness through those eyes…  Even any glimmer of desperation for salvation was twinkling away from this individual…  Very sad…

5) I’ve been able to kick my stepwork into higher gear by identifying my defects each day and affirming and taking action to replace them with my assets!!!  The main ones really keeping it simple to what used to be “childish” and immature behavior compared with what a sober responsible adult would act like!

6) I got to attend a wedding for a friend of mine that is very very very near and dear to me…  We carry similar burdens about our own self perception.  To see this man move out of that space, find himself to be willing to accept love from someone and be vulnerable around someone is such a powerful testament to what getting a conscious contact with Higher Power and then allowing Higher Power to work through the vessel that is our body to connect with others…  It’s beautiful!!!

7) Here is where I share with you what I am torn about…  So, I recently have made some huge strides in loving the person in the mirror and actually seeing a lovable person in the mirror…  I have an opportunity to date someone who is into me…  He’s a good person and a wonderful man.  There are some things about him that annoy me… He smokes (trying to quit).  He is cute, but he doesn’t make me weak at the knees upon looking at him…  Lastly, our energy levels are very very different.  He’s low key and well… You know me… VERY VERY HIGH ENERGY!  I have been giving us an opportunity to chat with one another and to get to know one another…  We haven’t even gone on our first date yet.  We’ve had a couple opportunities to spend the evening in bed together to just snuggle…  It’s ok…  I don’t know how I am feeling about him…  I have nicknamed him Eeyore… I know… I know…  Sigh…

Then there is this other person…  He’s incredibly hot… I mean he does make me weak at the knees upon seeing him…  As a matter of fact, his hotness factor makes me feel self conscious about my own looks…  I even wonder why this person would pick me (sign of me not fully embracing the fact that I am indeed a hot guy too!!!).  The point is he makes me want to be a better man and to work at taking care of myself more for him…  He challenges me to become a healthier man…  He is adventurous and very very sensuous and definitely crosses that line many many times into to sexuality that is seething like a volcano!!!  When we get together, it’s all about physical intimacy and no conversation about deeper intimacy than that…

Here is the rub…  I believe “Eeyore” has a thing for me and wants physical and emotional intimacy with me… I appreciate the emotional intimacy, but the physical isn’t all there…  I definitely have a thing for Mr. Hotness and want physical and emotional intimacy with him…  He appreciates the physical intimacy with me, but doesn’t want to cross that emotional intimacy line with me (trust me, I have delicately broached the subject of whether he’d be interested in more and didn’t get much of a response… sigh…)…  Then tonight Mr. Hotness is open enough to share with me that he has a thing for some “other” guy who is apparently super hot and makes him all gaga and googly for that guy… Mr. Hotness definitely wants physical and emotional intimacy with that guy… The “Other” guy is currently in a relationship with another man and cannot reciprocate the affection that Mr. Hotness has for him… I MEAN WOW!!!  What a terrible chain of affection being passed…  It’s linear from Eeyore to Quoc to Mr. Hotness to Other to Other’s Boyfriend!!!  LOL…  There is no more than 50% of reciprocation going on between two people…

Here is my question I need your advice on… PLEASE COMMENT ON THIS POST OR WRITE AN EMAIL TO ME AT QUOCLAM@GMAIL.COM…  What would your advice be? 

1) To give Eeyore a chance with hopes that he may become a Tigger… 

2) Be satisfied with the fact that I am able to fulfill emotional needs from Eeyore and physical needs from Mr. Hotness… 

3) Let go of both peeps and create a space for some”ONE” to come into my life that fits the bill for both emotional and physical needs…

4) You get to fill in the blank with anything my tired body and mind right now cannot think of…

The gift right now is that I am grateful for the opportunity to feel emotional affection for Eeyore and also experience the pleasures of physical intimacy with Mr. Hotness… Both afford me the opportunity to give and receive validation!!!  It’s a very very nice combination!  I am not being dishonest with any of the parties as there is no commitment going on YET.  However, I realize that this is not the type of relationship I can foresee for the long term.  I want someone that makes me want to be a better man; feel sexy emotionally and physically to him; have out of this world sexual intimacy along with that deep emotional and spiritual intimacy…  Is this something that truly is realistic to find between two people at any given time for any lengthy period of time?  I would like to think that it is truly possible on this planet… I refuse to submit to the fact that this idea may be a fallacy and what I have is as good as it’s gonna get!  However, in the midst of prancing along this continuum of connecting with people at different levels; does one experience these kinds of partial connections???  Well, obviously, as I am walking along this path right now…

Let me know your thoughts my peeps…  I am still incredibly intrigued by who all is out there reading what part of this 8 year journal about my life…

YES, I KNOW THOSE OF YOU WHO KNOW ME KNOW THAT I HAVE MANY MANY MANY PHOTOS THAT HAVE BEEN CAPTURED AND SAVED, BUT NOT POSTED TO BE SHARED WITH YOU AND ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES AND FANS…

They are coming!!!  I promise!!!

Huggers for you all!!!  Thank you for your continued love, support, prayers, thoughts and kind gestures in teaching me to grow from a human doing to a human being one day at a time…

Quoc