Quoc’s Web Journal

12,211

Ah…  Interesting how life’s lessons come full circle if I stay sober and hang around long enough…  It’s been about a year since I met Sean…  I remember falling head over heals for this guy… I think the feelings were mutual…  Reason?  We were both broken and incomplete at some level or other and complemented each other nicely…  We both were madly attracted to each other…

HOWEVER,

I had expectations that Sean who’s boyfriend had recently broken up with him (this is speaking one year ago) was in a stage in his life where he needed a bit of time to explore and date around…  Me, I was done dating and didn’t want to date around and was willing to step into a monogamous relationship…  Was I ready and able?  FAR FROM!!!

CONSEQUENCES?

I put myself through emotional turmoil trying to control Sean and manipulate the situation so that he would stay only with me.  That was not gonna be the case!  I cast aside my sobriety as a priority an was willing to live on “love.”  It felt good as we were a very very very very nice compatible pair as far as the fun scale as well as physically!!!  We really were turned on by each other just by being physically around each other!  It was really really nice!  I wasn’t willing to hear his clear communication that he needed a break from monogamy and wanted to DATE AROUND!!!  Yes, he communicated that with me… I wasn’t willing to hear or see it!  I was being a childish immature baby!!!

Well, of course, I relapsed being so self obsessed and not treating my spiritual malady and clearly not being a whole adult sober man to be present to be with another person and give us a chance to be friends and more…  He tried really hard and wasn’t a bad guy at all…  NOT AT ALL!!!  It was my unrealistic expectations that really skewed and warped my perception of him!  Sigh…  I was a baffled lot then!!!

CONCLUSION…

Why am I writing this now?  Well, isn’t it interesting that about one year ago when I last met him…  I would be in the same shoes as Sean…  I am currently in a place in my life where I feel like a mature whole adult man ready, willing and able to be fully present to discover the nuances and intricacies of dating and making new friends and building possible deeper friendships from that point… 

In doing so, I have been granted an opportunity to practice being completely honest with myself, my sponsor, my support group and learn how to date and get to know other people as friends and deeper…  I am learning the delicate art of when to disclose: my HIV status, my being in recovery, what my wants and needs are; and what my boundaries and limits are.  I am also learning the delicate art of when not to broach the subject of monogamy etc… I learn when is premature to bring up any such subject matters…  I am learning that different people have very very very definitions and timelines as to when monogamy should take place and how that communication takes place…

My most recent debacle with getting to know a new person that I was trying to figure out whether it was a good fit or not really gave me perspective on how I acted around Sean and what he felt and why he reacted the way he did around me.  I was not a vision for you and definitely did not exude the most attractive qualities… I acted insecure, jealous, neurotic, paranoid, needy, angry, demanding, disrespectful, entitled, grandiose, and just IMMATURE!  Who would want to be around someone like me last year?  I wasn’t able to see that about myself…

I got great perspective on that this time around and realize that I owe Sean a huge apology and amends!  It took a year and an experience where I got to kind of be in the other shoe where my current wants and needs are that of a spirit of openness and exploration and wonderment about how fun dating and getting to know another person can be!  And that I don’t have control over how other people act, feel, and behave…  What I do have control over is my own response and attitude toward any given situation. 

Sigh…  I am grateful for this kind of clarity!!!  Sometimes, lessons in life come when we least expect it… Or perhaps, it comes when God knows we are ready to see it for what God wants us to see it so it doesn’t get skewed and warped by my insane mind! 

Just a blurb…. I have to get to applying to other jobs and finishing up some more work and finish off with some prep work for training tomorrow… Then off to beddy bye…

Huggers to you all!!!

Quoc