Quoc’s Web Journal

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Sigh…  Those of you who have known me for the past decade or longer know that my life is essentially is an open book…  Well, at least on this website…  I share VERY honestly about what I call the on-going saga of a spiritually sick man getting well…

The very intention of this website is to:

#1 Create a venue for me to express my joy to write and journalize… I have been writing in a journal since 1987…  Yeah, that’s over 22 years of journal entries… Over half of the entries in the past 8 years have been written in here on this blog… Yeah… meaning there is still 40% that you folks haven’t even read yet!!!

#2 Opportunity to keep those friends I have made along the way up to date with my life and somehow some way live vicariously through my absolutely insane and rollercoaster of a life!  In the midst of doing this, this site has received more than just a few hits from some close friends… I have received powerful and inspirational messages from many of you… I can’t thank you enough for those new friends and acquaintances I have corresponded with along this journey…

#3 To create a space where I may share my experience, strength and hope with others…  As I continued blogging, I realized my continuous sobriety became a regular part of the journal entries I wrote…  I received correspondences from others that my journal entries have helped normalize the experience they were going through; helped prevent others from acting on what I went through; help inspire those who needed my brand of life experiences; and definitely afforded an opportunity for those who have experience with something I was “going through” problem solve and walk through that…  You always kept me mindful of that fact that I am never alone…  I am grateful to you…  The hugest gift is that my life experiences… the triumphs… the mundanes… and definitely the mistakes made will somehow someway be helpful to another person out there…  THIS IS THE HUGEST INCENTIVE I HAVE ABOUT CONTINUING TO BLOG AND SHARE WITH YOU…

HOWEVER…

… I have found myself blogging less and less as my life becomes fuller and fuller… My life is no longer just a solitude soul trapsing around with personal experiences…  There have been incredible moments in my family, platonic friendships, work and romantic relationships that are growing with my life…  I find it more difficult in making a decision as to whether and when to use discretion about sharing about my life experiences and do so in a respectful manner with those around me who may not want to be placed in the lime light of these on-going blog entries… I hope that for the most part, I have used extreme care in asking for EXPLICIT consent from those I identify by name whether it would be okay to post their identity in my blogs… Those who have impacted my life in some way and did not present an opportunity for me to get permission to share, I have shared in a general way to protect and preserve their identities!

HOWEVER…

There is absolutely no way that complete anonymity be kept with some who figure out who that person is as they are the living examples and experiences in the real world from my written entries…  Some people are gonna figure out who I am talking about…

SO…. WHY THIS BLOG QUESTIONING WHETHER I SHOULD CONTINUE BLOGGING OPENLY OR NOT???

Well, this issue has come up a few times in these past years of blogging…  I am curious as to whether this site continues to serve it’s purpose anymore or not…  Whether this is a site that is being used to display my life out for the world to see…  I am starting to find out who all is actually checking out my site…  It turns out that more and more people who are actually IN my life today read my site…  I don’t my personal opinions, view and streams of consciousness to adversely affect my relationship with them…

PERHAPS…

Some things are better left unsaid…  We learn to pass gas discretely… Or to cover our mouths when sneezing or belching or release any other gas from our mouths…  There are so many darn etiquettes out there teaching one how to get along with other folks as to not leave them butt hurt…  I am realizing now that perhaps continuing to blog may leave me vulnerable in the following areas…

- WORK… As I grow within the company and perhaps expand outward to other companies in my career; reading about the personal experiences about my life may not be to my benefit!

- FAMILY…  I was trying to think of something to say about my family; however, I love them so and they are so darn used to me that I think they have to love me whether I decide to share this information on my blog or not… I love you family!

- FRIENDS…  Well, currently, my friends know pretty much everything there is to know about me.  I have been upfront and honest with my friends.  I have grown with each of them.  I am thankful we’ve given each other permission to be human and make mistakes…  It’s been interesting making friends and learning the art of delicate dancing around building and growing a friendship especially when sometimes the foundation of the friendships I have are really fragile and need to be handled with care until people get to know me; and even after that, there have been some interesting events that have occurred to disrupt that friendship or create an obstacle big enough to prevent that friendship from growing.  On a scale of 1 – 10, this rates as a pretty high 6 or 7 of concern and discretion when blogging about my friends. 

- ROMANCE…  All of us know that this area has definitely been a point of contention for me… I have relapsed soon after 3 years sober as well as 1 1/2 years later after that… My current sobriety has yielded hard work in building a relationship between me and God.  I worked strenuously, vigorously and constantly on building and expanding my spirituality!  In doing so, I have also become deeper connected with myself.  I have a much more positive sense of self and perception of self.  I feel more whole as a person than I ever have.  I have made myself available this time to share all of me with other folks.  First building on emotional intimacy with my close and platonic friends; then physical intimacy with just a few people in the past 9 months; then now, I get to start piecing those together into something more cohesive with both physical and emotional intimacy…  It’s an interesting combination of feelings that come up.  I don’t quite know the order and timing of communication with people…  When to disclose my HIV status; when to disclose me being in recovery; when to start talking about sexual relations and likes and dislikes…  When to actually engage in physical intimate relations…  Lastly, while all this is happening, I actually want to remember the growth and progression of these activities within the scope of my life…  I feel it would greatly benefit others to see how I have grown and enjoyed the successes of romantic intimacy; how I walked through challenging times in romantic intimacy…  However, how much can be shared on this blog without leaving the person(s) of interest to be overly concerned or informed about my thoughts, feelings, fears and hopes… I tried this with Sean many months ago and shared VERY VERY FRANKLY AND OPENLY about it…  That experience with Sean and getting to read what it was like greatly helps me gauge how much I have grown!

Sigh… I don’t know how much to keep in a written journal and how much to share on a public blog…  Writing leaves way too much room for interpretation.  Also, in writing a blog, you get to see only one dimension of a multidimensional nature of a romantic relationship…. HECK, with any of my journal entries, there are multiple dimensions and levels and progressions of each entry…  The entry would look very very different if I wrote that very entry on a different day, at a different time, depending on the specific circumstances!!!  So, do I allow such sentiments to be written down for the WORLD WIDE WEB to see and perhaps fall victim to subjective interpretation and thus a very linear reaction based on what is written on here (my thoughts, concerns, fears, hopes, dreams, questions, and just ramblings)…  I can cite those occasions when friends or loved ones have shared how foolish it is for me to blog on-line:

1) My friend Dawn from way back when feeling all hurt from my honest opinion about how I felt about her 8 years ago…

2) My last guy Sean who was an avid fan of my blog and kept up with reading my blog whilst dating me…  Both he and myself agreed that his reading and my writing the blog was not the most healthy…

3) My last sponsor sharing with me how he doesn’t understand how I would place so much personal information with myself in a public archive for so many people to read and possibly use against me.

4) My boss at work who read this journal blog from beginning to end a little over 9 months ago and shared and questioned whether I was blogging as a plea for help…  The end result was he got a greater understanding of my life and how I ticked and that may have helped him give me a second chance and lead me to still currently be employed at the same place and thrive and grow.

5) Most recent one happened this evening out of the blue…  Apparently, the blog I did a couple days ago expressing my feelings and thoughts of being torn really left this person to believe that I am a selfish, unfeeling, dishonest, and disengenuous and mean spirited person who is only out for self gain.  Truth is, it’s none of my business how this person’s reaction is.  However, it does lead me to think twice before blogging about future encounters and developments with dates as there will be questions, fears, hopes, exciting stories and experiences to share… Will these documented entries be read by those parties and lead them to believe that these journal entries are 100% reflections of how I really think or feel about a situation?  How do they know that some entries are before thoughts, after thoughts and sometimes thoughts while I am going through something with them…  Will they take these thoughts and feelings and displace them on the time continuum or rather use it to affect and influence their decisions and thoughts and feelings in response to what they think I am going through?

Suffice it to say, as my life continues to grow in so many ways, I question the appropriateness of continuing to blog…  Will it be appropriate for work to read some of my thoughts and feelings about work or my personal affairs?  Would these blogs read by friends and potential romantic peeps adversely affect their decision making process because they are basing their decisions on reading a very small spectrum of my thoughts or feelings or questions about how to navigate and maneuver through challenging or interesting relationship (platonic or romantic) situations and perhaps take the relationship in a different direction than if they didn’t know EVERYTHING I WAS THINKING ABOUT OR FEELING?  The truth is that there are pay offs to leaving somethings that are created in one’s mind to stay in ones mind.  I think the cool thing about this blog is that it gives me an opportunity to express my thoughts and feelings and interpretations of life’s experiences that would otherwise be left uncommunicated because they are just that… Stored in the mind…  However, perhaps, it’s time to revert back to conventional journalizing and put down the keyboard, in exchange for a pen and some paper and write all of my journal entries….

PLEASE VOTE ON THE FOLLOWING AND GIVE ME YOUR FEEDBACK:

1) Quoc, shut down this website completely; you are placing yourself in a vulnerable position by having so much privileged intimate information about yourself. 

2) Quoc, just change the direction of this blog to have a theme… Perhaps one of solutions in sobriety or tools to expand one’s spirituality, but share in a very very very general way…  Perhaps use this blog site as a supplement for pictures shared of all my experiences… Use pictures to express and communicate life’s experiences rather than the dynamic and kinetic and ever changing thoughts in my mind.

3) Quoc, stop trying to control how other people feel; what you are doing is amazing and inspirational!  Please continue blogging honestly about what is going on in your life as this blog provides a unique brand of frank and raw honesty that is refreshing and keeps us coming back to read your stories!  If they are dense enough to only judge and react or respond to you just from reading your blog, then perhaps those reactions and responses are great indicators as to whether you want to continue growing a friendship with them or now.

So, please be my sounding board.  I will pray about this and ask for more clarity before making a decision on which direction to take this blog…. The same… The end… Or something different…  I NEED YOU TO BE MY SOUNDING BOARD… PLEASE PROVIDE ME FEEDBACK VIA E-MAIL AT QUOCLAM@GMAIL.COM OR JUST POST A COMMENT ON THIS BLOG ITSELF.  I should have an answer within the next few weeks as to what my decision is from that point forth. 

Either way, I write because there is a joy, liberation and freedom in expressing myself for myself and my own emotional benefit…  It’s so appropriate that I just met with my sponsor in transitioning into steps 8 & 9 where I get to make a decision on how to interact and conduct myself with and around other people so that I do get to be a channel of my Higher Power’s peace, love and solution for myself and others.  I get to handle myself like a mature adult rather than a whiney immature child!  I AM A WONDERFUL ADULT SOBER MAN!

Until I blog again…  I am grateful for 9 months and 3 days clean and sober; for my health; for an opportunity to explore who I am and be loved and supported by others to nurture that; for a job that I love to do and get paid to be of service; for an amazing and loving support group; for an opportunity to be of service to others for fun and for free; for an opportunity to practice removing my character defects and replace them with my character assets.  JUST FOR ANOTHER DAY WHERE I LOVE MYSELF A WHOLE LOT MORE THAN  I HAVE EVER IN MY LIFE!

These are just some of the gifts of my sobriety!  For that I am grateful!  Huggers to you all!!!

Quoc