Quoc’s Web Journal

Don’t be too alarmed… What I mean is that I am recuperating from being beaten up from my insane, warped, self deprocating and self loathing mind!!!

So, the time is 11:13P…  Here is the miracle!!!  I started writing this blog shortly after making dinner for myself and hopping onto facebook in an effort to find yet another means of escaping that which I call “KFCUK.”  Unfortunately, the tuner as well as the volume to this station in my head is more or less broken!!!  Today, my head hasn’t been able to ignore that crazy talk…  It lead me to a shady place, but thankfully didn’t take me anywhere near the really dark scary place that usually leads to relapse… Thank goodness!!!  Well, let’s give you the play by play…  If not for you, this is a great reminder for me as to how sometimes we have bad moments in our days and lives!!!  It’s a natural part of living!!!

Here we go (briefly)…  I have been trying to recuperate from an injury I sustained as a result of going on that darn ride Tatsu at Magic Mountain… My back is stiff from my neck all the way down to my tail bone!  It’s thrown me for a little bit of a loop what with the pain and the limited movements as a result.

Anyway, I have been resting up for the past couple days…  I have used it to sleep and do minimal outdoor activities.  I have limited it literally to 2 lunch dates with a couple friends and then my evening meetings.  Well, this afternoon, my head decided to kick me in the head with the force of a horses hind legs…

I started feeling guilty about not having taken care of the paperwork that I set my goal to do during my time off… I was looking at unfinished laundry and dishes… I was looking at a messy bathroom… I was feeling out of shape, heavy, bloated and ugly…  I started thinking about the last guy I hooked up with and how I haven’t received a correspondence from him to play and how that might be linked to me being out of shape… Then I started just feeling undesirable…

Instead of reaching for the telephone and calling and being of service, I reached for the internet and went on-line for the first time in many many many many months!  I don’t even remember the last time I went on-line?  Could it have been 9 months ago?  I wouldn’t be surprised!  I let myself meander over some of the posting for sex hook ups…  I then placed an ad… I thankfully received no replies and followed up with coming to my senses and deleting the ad…  By that time, it was time for my meeting… THANK GOODNESS!!!

I was feeling ugly, broke, out of shape, and unorganized!!!  Sigh…  The operative from this last statement I made is “feeling.”  Feelings indeed have a beginning middle and end… Thankfully, this time I have no shame in not only sharing about it at a meeting, I am posting it on here on this blog as well as I called a few people and shared honestly about it… I know that these actions were not healthy for me.  I know that the negative self talk I gave myself certainly stemmed from being alone at home for far too many minutes… Then the negative self talk started with focusing only on the negative about the debt I incurred resulting from the car repairs made… Then I thought about barely being able to keep up with the bills without that darn debt… Then I thought about how messy my home is… Sigh…

Instead of springing into action, I was so darn focused on my default mode of just acting out and escapism…  All of these insane actions had nothing to do with wanting to get loaded or needing sex… It was about:

1) Needing to feel financially secure… Which I am… I am making payments and keeping up with my bills… I have a time schedule to have all debt paid off by end of the year…  I am looking for other employment that may lead to more money…

2) Beating myself up for procrastinating and keeping a very messy home… I am doing the best I can and goodness Quoc, I have been in pain because of my back… It’s okay to take a moment and rest up… Things are being taken care of.  Yeah, the paper needs to go and perhaps having the paper around goes deeper than just having clutter around rather than the comfort of having clutter around me… Or perhaps some defense mechanism by creating clutter so that I don’t feel inclined to invite people over to my home…  I get to continue working on this, but realizing this is not a major major problem as my bills and other priorities and deadlines are indeed being met.

3) Feeling incredibly unattractive… This happens on a daily basis where I would feel good looking, then butt ugly, then fat, then healthy…  It’s all relative… Today happens to be a day where I just don’t feel as sexy as usual…. And I didn’t help matters by going on-line to meet people for superficial encounters… Something that wouldn’t lead to anything deeper which is what I really want and also which is also a venue from cyber land where people are looking for fantasies rather than real life intimacy!!!  I put my foot in it by going on the website…  Instead, I am thankful, I followed it up by deleting the website and going to a 12 step meeting and sharing honestly, then came  home to eat and enjoy some real good friendship exchanges on facebook and that literally turned my frownie upside downie!!!

So, there we have it…  The mind of a crazy alcoholic… How quickly I could’ve fallen into the trap of relapse… And it wasn’t even over sex or drugs… However, it was the crazy warped thinking that causes me to want to use a familiar prop that creates for an instantaneous high and pleasurable experience; when in reality, it will lead to destruction and mayhem!  It’s not about the sex… It’s about creating security for myself financially and feeling attractive in more ways than just focusing on the physique!

Good night…  I have lots to do peeps… I am thankful I survived over nine and a half months clean and sober, one day at a time!!!

Cheers,

Quoc