Quoc’s Web Journal

14,762

So, it’s more like 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 4 days… free of all mind altering substances.  And of course I would do my check in at a time when I am experiencing sadness and a heart full of tears that need to be shed and shared…

What’s going on with me?  Well, I’ve been deeply connected with my Higher Power…  I have learned a new way of living that grants me freedom from any consequences of being deceitful and dishonest…  This is incredibly new for me…  I have been waging internal battles within my mind about various different quality problems… I need to vent and share some of them…  Of course they would be in the area of finance and romance… or otherwise known as dollar or d*ck or otherwise known as money or men!

First the finance…  I am actually in the midst of making a very very mature decision…  I am doing incredibly well in my job…  It’s scary being in a position of a decision maker…  I have a supervisor that I do respect and really knows his stuff… However, he comes off very very very very condescending… Well, at least most of the time when I am around him I feel sooo inadequate!  I know he doesn’t mean it all the time; however, intentions do not change the results from a person’s actions.  Sigh…

The other side of the coin is me visiting the campus on California State University, Northridge…  I have been pondering going to Grad school for my Master’s in Social Work or Master’s in Public Health… OR BOTH!  I’ve been feeling scared, insecure, old and well… IN FEAR of what is to come and what the right decision is.  I know there is really no wrong decision here…  I can’t help but feel some sense of fear of the unknown…  And indeed FEAR is based in the future!

Now the romance… 

So, God has been very kind in allowing me to explore that part of me which I feel is more broken than any other part of my life…  Allow me to reframe, romance and intimacy with others is one area in my life that I need to work on more than any other area in my life…  Lately, I have had opportunities to explore mutual intellectual, emotional and spiritual intimacy with a couple best friends…  It’s been amazing building that up…  Then all of a sudden I got busy and they got busy and then life started happening and the things that we did and hung out on a weekly basis as we used to…  I got scared since we haven’t hung out for over 2 – 3 weeks… I know it’s just as easy and just reconnecting again and catching up with each other…  We’ll be good as new in just one visit with each other.

In the area of physical intimacy, I’ve been blessed with having 1 consistent person I have been physically intimate with for actually over a year… I am not sure if it’s been over 2 years now!  Wow!  Anyway, we’ve been doing this regular thing… Little does this person know how much he’s help build my confidence in the time.  He’s incredibly HOT…  He’s physically beautiful and I feel our sexual chemistry works really really really well!  I am sooo incredibly attracted to him.  I have not allowed it to go beyond that.  Well, recently in the past couple months, we’ve been doing more than just the fleeting get togethers followed by him leaving…  There seemed to be time spent connecting on a different level after our “fun.”  That’s lead me to have feelings for him…  I want more than just what we’ve had for a couple years…  I don’t want to jeopardize it by going beyond the parameters that have been set for us since we’ve gotten together…  I also don’t know how to reconcile the feelings I have for this guy when we do get together…  The time we’ve spent together for the lack of a better phrase has moved from down south up to my heart…  I feel we’ve been connecting on a different level…  What I do know is that I am incredibly attracted to this man.  He makes me feel incredibly attractive.  The physical chemistry we share is AMAZING!  I don’t quite know how to proceed with him…

What I want is to actually be able to hang out with this guy like a bud and go camping and do fun things like go see a show or movie every now and then…  We wouldn’t lose touch of the physical fun we’d have with each other…  I’d like to say no commitments, but isn’t what I just described what dating is about?  LOL… 

In meditation, I keep hearing the following message…  Since I have developed feelings for this individual, it’s no longer just conjugal visits I am making with this person.  It’s gone beyond that.  I need to be honest with him and share with him that I want to “date” him.  Then after courageously and honestly sharing my feelings, what I get to do is respect the decision he makes, up and including him terminating our current arrangement if “other” things disrupt what we’ve had for awhile.  The other message I receive is that there is no way I can only be friends with him because I see and feel for him more than just as a friend.  I am physically and emotionally attracted to him.  This is by definition counters what a platonic friendship is.  So, if I am not willing to continue maintaining just a physical relationiship with him, then it’s time to move on and save myself from hurting myself by continuing to experience a partial of what I keep hoping will come about…

In the area of working on building intimacy without physical intimacy…  I’ve been blessed with an opportunity to chat with a guy via a webcam who actually found me from reading this blog… We’ve been chatting for over 3 weeks now…  It’s been interesting getting to know someone who is pretty much halfway around the world…  It’s unlikely we’ll get to meet anytime in the near future… But getting to know this person in this kind of a venue allows me to get to know a person and experience mutual appreciation and correspondence with a person without the hang up of actually needing to meet someone…  So, I actually have to experience and practice all the other ways of getting to know a person without the physical stuff…  It’s been interesting…

Suffice it to say, there are going to be peaks and valleys in life… Today, coming home to my sweet and darling cat and petting him wasn’t enough…  I craved for physical attention with another human being… Sigh… 

So, betwixt missing my best friends, the stress of work and decisions that need to be made with school, and since mind altering substances are no longer an option, I am left with getting to be physically intimate with someone to be distracted… Now I haven’t even had that for a few weeks… Sigh…  Thus all these emotions coming up…

I feel fat… Out of shape… I am doing the right thing by honestly disclosing my HIV status and taking that chance of accepting rejection and being able to live with an honest life where another is just not comfortable with that…  I am living a very very courageous and new life…

I need to remember to tell my storm how big my God is rather than tell my God how big my storm is….

Q