Quoc’s Web Journal

18,384

What a year it has been aye?  As a matter of fact, what a wild past few weeks it has been… Suffice it to say, my life continues to get bigger and bigger…  There are days when I wonder how am I going to attend to all the wonderful things that are happening in my life… The nice thing is that it all takes care of itself…

So, I was going to keep this blog entry private and type it in a word document for my own personal reference… But I was thinking, yet again, if another can benefit from my own personal trials, tribulations and lessons learned from these experiences… Wouldn’t it be of great benefit by sharing it?

Tomorrow morning, I get to be a speaker to share some of my experience strength and hope regarding the spiritual journey I continue to lead…  Needless to say, my head has been spinning just a little trying to jog up talking points that would enlighten, inspire and add to the tool box of others and for myself in my share…  I thought I would free write this here and impart them with you… Hopefully tomorrow, I will be able to put it all together into some cohesive stream of thought…

So here goes some of the highlights…

- In speaking, all I ask is that I am a “channel of Thy peace.”  Not of thy insanity or thy problems or thy chaos…. I only hope to carry a message of experience and hope as a victory for the spiritual program I am a part of.

- My gift of spirituality and serenity (soundness of mind) in consideration of the fact that without spiritual treatment, I am a “deranged” person… On page 145 in the spiritual reference book I use… It says that “The greatest enemies to those who have a “spiritual malady” are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration and fear.  There in lies the answer to the difference between God’s will and my will…  When I am in self will, I am acting with a foundation of resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration and fear… God’s will is full of serenity and simplicity!

- I need remind myself to do God’s WORK rather than to do God’s JOB!!!  God does NOT need me to do his/her/it’s job!!!  What my God needs me to do is his/her/it’s work in carrying a message of love, tolerance, mercy, patience in all affairs of my life…

- I need to STOP questioning and doubting God when my Higher Power feels that I am ready to experience and learn about certain things… Example – I have been praying to learn how to date and learn intimacy and develop skills in romantic relationships with others.  My Higher Power feels that I other aspects of my life: finances, employment, family, and friendship are being managed well enough to where I GET TO NOW EXPERIENCE AND GR”OW” (gr”ow”th is just the word “ow” with a couple of letters on each side) and learn about me in the dating relationship I get to have with S****.  I have been experiencing lots of pain that have been self-inflicted…  I forget to give thanks to my Higher Power for appreciating that this Student named Quoc is ready for a Teacher named S**** to show up in his life to teach Quoc and help Quoc work on his defects of character in intimate relationships and replace them with character assets…  I have been jealous, controlling, neurotic, obsessive, insecure, resentful, frustrated, fearful in the past weeks and year with S****…  I am sure all these characteristics are incredibly sexy and attract another person… LOL… The nice thing is that I can’t be botching this up that bad as we are still hanging out…  I get to learn that relationships and dating and intimacy and commitment have sooo many different meanings… Being with S**** has challenged sooo many nuances of my life and beliefs that I have been brought up with and values that I thought were written in stone… Instead, I am learning that different people have different understandings and beliefs and values of intimacy, commitment and what a relationship looks like… AND NO ONE ANSWER IS THE RIGHT ANSWER!  I do NOT get to impose my values upon another…  When that happens, I experience not only resistance from another, I experience resistance and loss of serenity within my own self…  My deranged and warped mind thinks and interprets what I have with S**** as anything but healthy, when in reality, if one were to look at what I share with S****, it is incredibly healthy!  We hang out and go to parties and movies and trips to watch meteor showers… We get to have amazing sex as two consenting adults… We get to share our thoughts and opinions of the mundane and whatever else goes on in life outside of what we share with each other… Sure, I WANT to microwave this relationship and make it go faster… Sure I WANT to give this relationship a label and call him a “boyfriend.”  Sure I WANT to keep this relationship “monogamous” (which this one word has sooo many different meanings) between the two of us… HOWEVER, there are two parties in this relationship and there needs to be a shared agreement on what works and what doesn’t…  I am learning to be a team player and a partner in this relationship and think of both our best interests rather than just wanting what I want, when I want it and how I want it regardless of the consequences to anyone else!  HOW SELFISH!!!  So, I get to have these thoughts and wants… What I get to do also is appreciate that what I want is not what this RELATIONSHIP NEEDS.  I never had a deep understanding of “good is the enemy of the best.”  That if I personally feel that what I have with S**** is “good” but know that the “best” is available… By not willing to let go of the “good” and continuing to nurse on the “good” and staying fearful that things won’t get any better than what I have or fear of letting go of this imperfect security blanket, that I will lose it all… I am preventing an opportunity for the “best” relationship from blossoming… What do I do about this???  STAY IN THE FRIGGIN’ MOMENT… It’s like me complaining about the long line to get a parking space at Disneyland… And half the day has gone by… In nursing on that moment that occurred the morning of, I have lost all apprecation and joy from getting to enjoy all that which is happening in each “present” moment!!!  So, when I am with S**** am I resentful by nursing on past wrongs?  By being jealous and fearful, am I nursing on a future that has NOT occurred yet?  In placing one foot in the past and one foot in the future, I am peeing and pooing all over the present!!!  What I GET TO DO IS remember where both feet are… In the present… Am I living and experiencing those moments shared with S**** and not going beyond that?  Can I not trust that the reason he is still there is because he DOES appreciate the full package of what I have to offer?  These are some of the things I need to remember in what I am experiencing… Also, it was only about 1+ year ago, that I thought my life would collapse into itself if I wasn’t in a relationship with a man named S*** (4 letters and not 5 letters)… Instead, in this given moment today, I get to share something incredibly special with a guy named S****(5 letters)…  This proves that God knows what is best for me and has my best interest in mind at all times… Just because I see only dark clouds, doesn’t mean the sun is not there… So, am I willing to surrender control of what I think is best for me and for others and continue to work a spiritual program of acting for the best interest of both parties vs. just thinking for my own self serving purposes? Bottom line is when I complain that dating sucks… Is the truth that I suck at dating?!  And if I suck at dating, then I doesn’t that mean I don’t know what’s best for me and those I get to date?  If that is the case, shouldn’t I be open to different ideas of what a successful date looks like? 

- I will probably share about this “gift” that I have is like receiving a gift of a car…  A gift needs to be maintained…  If I just take the gift of a car and drive it for 20,000 – 50,000 miles without changing the oils, getting tune ups and inflating the tires etc… and maintaining this gift… Guess what?  I shouldn’t be surprised when the gift breaks down or becomes useless!!!  I must do the same thing in maintaining my spiritual fitness…  As someone with a spiritual malady, I must continue to take action in maintaining spiritual fitness… If I don’t, then it no longer works!!!  It’ just that simple!

- I will probably share about what someone else said just a couple weeks ago…  That as a result of doing the work in maintaining a spiritually fit life, his life is “unbelievably blessed.”  That because he set his fantasies to the side, it allowed all his dreams to come true…  I have a tendency of forgetting how good life is today as a result of the work I am doing to stay spiritually fit.  In comparson to just 6 years ago, my life is indeed unbelievably richer than it was… In comparison to just 1 year ago…  My life is indeed unbelievably blessed!!!

- I need to continue to make affirmations as there is one that was very recently shared with me… Quoc, whether you think you can or you think you cannot, YOU’LL ALWAYS BE RIGHT!  So, am I affirming a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure or one of success and serenity, harmony and joy?

- I forget to be grateful for the simple things… 

I want to own a brand new BMW, when I forget to be grateful to have a car that runs well

I want to own a big house, when I should be grateful to have the means of paying for my own space that keeps me warm, safe, secure and creates sanctuary for me…

I don’t want to be HIV positive, when I forget that I am incredibly healthy and have life saving meds available to me that help me maintain an incredibly healthy life

I want to have a boyfriend, when I am incredibly blessed with a group of people who fulfill those aspects of my life I need such as laughter; intellectual, spiritual and emotional intimacy; opportunity to have fun with people and go to movies and dinner with… And oh wait, I am seeing someone who is incredibly sexy, successful, and reciprocates the appreciation I have for him…  I do have a wealth of friends and intimacy; the crazy thing is if I listen long enough to my thinking, it will convince me that I am alone, unwanted, unnecessary and unloveable!!!  CRAZY RIGHT?!!!

I want to have a better paying job, when I forget to be grateful for the fact that I have a job I am good at, love to do, and blessed to be paid to be of service to others and help save lives…. And eventhough I am not making a whole bunch of money, I am paid pretty well for what I do…  The bottom line is… How grateful should I be to just have a job in this economy?

In conclusion, I pray for all of us in 2010 when we get into those moods of I am not getting what I want… Am I taking a moment to ask one question… Am I getting everything I need?  That what I want may not necessarily be good for me or others.  I offer to my Higher Power complete abandon and trust that whatever is going to happen in the next year is EXACTLY what supposed to happen to help me or others… God makes no mistakes… God has no grandkids; God only has kids… So when I complain about you and how you are a mistake, I am telling God that he made a mistake… That is arrogant and I then take on the role of doing God’s Job verses doing God’s Work.

This is in gratitude for an amazing 2009 and I raise my sparkling non-alcoholic apple cider to all of you everyday in 2010 to be filled with excitement for the unpredictable and unknown in helping us grow spiritually. 

Always in love and service,

Quoc