Quoc’s Web Journal

18,384

What a year it has been aye?  As a matter of fact, what a wild past few weeks it has been… Suffice it to say, my life continues to get bigger and bigger…  There are days when I wonder how am I going to attend to all the wonderful things that are happening in my life… The nice thing is that it all takes care of itself…

So, I was going to keep this blog entry private and type it in a word document for my own personal reference… But I was thinking, yet again, if another can benefit from my own personal trials, tribulations and lessons learned from these experiences… Wouldn’t it be of great benefit by sharing it?

Tomorrow morning, I get to be a speaker to share some of my experience strength and hope regarding the spiritual journey I continue to lead…  Needless to say, my head has been spinning just a little trying to jog up talking points that would enlighten, inspire and add to the tool box of others and for myself in my share…  I thought I would free write this here and impart them with you… Hopefully tomorrow, I will be able to put it all together into some cohesive stream of thought…

So here goes some of the highlights…

- In speaking, all I ask is that I am a “channel of Thy peace.”  Not of thy insanity or thy problems or thy chaos…. I only hope to carry a message of experience and hope as a victory for the spiritual program I am a part of.

- My gift of spirituality and serenity (soundness of mind) in consideration of the fact that without spiritual treatment, I am a “deranged” person… On page 145 in the spiritual reference book I use… It says that “The greatest enemies to those who have a “spiritual malady” are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration and fear.  There in lies the answer to the difference between God’s will and my will…  When I am in self will, I am acting with a foundation of resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration and fear… God’s will is full of serenity and simplicity!

- I need remind myself to do God’s WORK rather than to do God’s JOB!!!  God does NOT need me to do his/her/it’s job!!!  What my God needs me to do is his/her/it’s work in carrying a message of love, tolerance, mercy, patience in all affairs of my life…

- I need to STOP questioning and doubting God when my Higher Power feels that I am ready to experience and learn about certain things… Example – I have been praying to learn how to date and learn intimacy and develop skills in romantic relationships with others.  My Higher Power feels that I other aspects of my life: finances, employment, family, and friendship are being managed well enough to where I GET TO NOW EXPERIENCE AND GR”OW” (gr”ow”th is just the word “ow” with a couple of letters on each side) and learn about me in the dating relationship I get to have with S****.  I have been experiencing lots of pain that have been self-inflicted…  I forget to give thanks to my Higher Power for appreciating that this Student named Quoc is ready for a Teacher named S**** to show up in his life to teach Quoc and help Quoc work on his defects of character in intimate relationships and replace them with character assets…  I have been jealous, controlling, neurotic, obsessive, insecure, resentful, frustrated, fearful in the past weeks and year with S****…  I am sure all these characteristics are incredibly sexy and attract another person… LOL… The nice thing is that I can’t be botching this up that bad as we are still hanging out…  I get to learn that relationships and dating and intimacy and commitment have sooo many different meanings… Being with S**** has challenged sooo many nuances of my life and beliefs that I have been brought up with and values that I thought were written in stone… Instead, I am learning that different people have different understandings and beliefs and values of intimacy, commitment and what a relationship looks like… AND NO ONE ANSWER IS THE RIGHT ANSWER!  I do NOT get to impose my values upon another…  When that happens, I experience not only resistance from another, I experience resistance and loss of serenity within my own self…  My deranged and warped mind thinks and interprets what I have with S**** as anything but healthy, when in reality, if one were to look at what I share with S****, it is incredibly healthy!  We hang out and go to parties and movies and trips to watch meteor showers… We get to have amazing sex as two consenting adults… We get to share our thoughts and opinions of the mundane and whatever else goes on in life outside of what we share with each other… Sure, I WANT to microwave this relationship and make it go faster… Sure I WANT to give this relationship a label and call him a “boyfriend.”  Sure I WANT to keep this relationship “monogamous” (which this one word has sooo many different meanings) between the two of us… HOWEVER, there are two parties in this relationship and there needs to be a shared agreement on what works and what doesn’t…  I am learning to be a team player and a partner in this relationship and think of both our best interests rather than just wanting what I want, when I want it and how I want it regardless of the consequences to anyone else!  HOW SELFISH!!!  So, I get to have these thoughts and wants… What I get to do also is appreciate that what I want is not what this RELATIONSHIP NEEDS.  I never had a deep understanding of “good is the enemy of the best.”  That if I personally feel that what I have with S**** is “good” but know that the “best” is available… By not willing to let go of the “good” and continuing to nurse on the “good” and staying fearful that things won’t get any better than what I have or fear of letting go of this imperfect security blanket, that I will lose it all… I am preventing an opportunity for the “best” relationship from blossoming… What do I do about this???  STAY IN THE FRIGGIN’ MOMENT… It’s like me complaining about the long line to get a parking space at Disneyland… And half the day has gone by… In nursing on that moment that occurred the morning of, I have lost all apprecation and joy from getting to enjoy all that which is happening in each “present” moment!!!  So, when I am with S**** am I resentful by nursing on past wrongs?  By being jealous and fearful, am I nursing on a future that has NOT occurred yet?  In placing one foot in the past and one foot in the future, I am peeing and pooing all over the present!!!  What I GET TO DO IS remember where both feet are… In the present… Am I living and experiencing those moments shared with S**** and not going beyond that?  Can I not trust that the reason he is still there is because he DOES appreciate the full package of what I have to offer?  These are some of the things I need to remember in what I am experiencing… Also, it was only about 1+ year ago, that I thought my life would collapse into itself if I wasn’t in a relationship with a man named S*** (4 letters and not 5 letters)… Instead, in this given moment today, I get to share something incredibly special with a guy named S****(5 letters)…  This proves that God knows what is best for me and has my best interest in mind at all times… Just because I see only dark clouds, doesn’t mean the sun is not there… So, am I willing to surrender control of what I think is best for me and for others and continue to work a spiritual program of acting for the best interest of both parties vs. just thinking for my own self serving purposes? Bottom line is when I complain that dating sucks… Is the truth that I suck at dating?!  And if I suck at dating, then I doesn’t that mean I don’t know what’s best for me and those I get to date?  If that is the case, shouldn’t I be open to different ideas of what a successful date looks like? 

- I will probably share about this “gift” that I have is like receiving a gift of a car…  A gift needs to be maintained…  If I just take the gift of a car and drive it for 20,000 – 50,000 miles without changing the oils, getting tune ups and inflating the tires etc… and maintaining this gift… Guess what?  I shouldn’t be surprised when the gift breaks down or becomes useless!!!  I must do the same thing in maintaining my spiritual fitness…  As someone with a spiritual malady, I must continue to take action in maintaining spiritual fitness… If I don’t, then it no longer works!!!  It’ just that simple!

- I will probably share about what someone else said just a couple weeks ago…  That as a result of doing the work in maintaining a spiritually fit life, his life is “unbelievably blessed.”  That because he set his fantasies to the side, it allowed all his dreams to come true…  I have a tendency of forgetting how good life is today as a result of the work I am doing to stay spiritually fit.  In comparson to just 6 years ago, my life is indeed unbelievably richer than it was… In comparison to just 1 year ago…  My life is indeed unbelievably blessed!!!

- I need to continue to make affirmations as there is one that was very recently shared with me… Quoc, whether you think you can or you think you cannot, YOU’LL ALWAYS BE RIGHT!  So, am I affirming a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure or one of success and serenity, harmony and joy?

- I forget to be grateful for the simple things… 

I want to own a brand new BMW, when I forget to be grateful to have a car that runs well

I want to own a big house, when I should be grateful to have the means of paying for my own space that keeps me warm, safe, secure and creates sanctuary for me…

I don’t want to be HIV positive, when I forget that I am incredibly healthy and have life saving meds available to me that help me maintain an incredibly healthy life

I want to have a boyfriend, when I am incredibly blessed with a group of people who fulfill those aspects of my life I need such as laughter; intellectual, spiritual and emotional intimacy; opportunity to have fun with people and go to movies and dinner with… And oh wait, I am seeing someone who is incredibly sexy, successful, and reciprocates the appreciation I have for him…  I do have a wealth of friends and intimacy; the crazy thing is if I listen long enough to my thinking, it will convince me that I am alone, unwanted, unnecessary and unloveable!!!  CRAZY RIGHT?!!!

I want to have a better paying job, when I forget to be grateful for the fact that I have a job I am good at, love to do, and blessed to be paid to be of service to others and help save lives…. And eventhough I am not making a whole bunch of money, I am paid pretty well for what I do…  The bottom line is… How grateful should I be to just have a job in this economy?

In conclusion, I pray for all of us in 2010 when we get into those moods of I am not getting what I want… Am I taking a moment to ask one question… Am I getting everything I need?  That what I want may not necessarily be good for me or others.  I offer to my Higher Power complete abandon and trust that whatever is going to happen in the next year is EXACTLY what supposed to happen to help me or others… God makes no mistakes… God has no grandkids; God only has kids… So when I complain about you and how you are a mistake, I am telling God that he made a mistake… That is arrogant and I then take on the role of doing God’s Job verses doing God’s Work.

This is in gratitude for an amazing 2009 and I raise my sparkling non-alcoholic apple cider to all of you everyday in 2010 to be filled with excitement for the unpredictable and unknown in helping us grow spiritually. 

Always in love and service,

Quoc

17,132

I am too tired to write full recount of all that has taken place this past weekend, but suffice it to say, things could have turned out very very very good or horribly wrong…  I am lucky to be graced with the very good despite my intentions to sabotage…  Here are some highlights:

1) Saturday evening, 11/21 went to “The Edison” for snack and drinks…  This was with co-workers… It was supposed to be a birthday dinner with reservation, but that didn’t pan out… Still had fun as we went to China Bistro after…  The bar is very very chic!

2) Sunday up to take my spiritual mentee to Gladstone’s in Malibu, followed by a trip to the Grove to buy tickets early to see 2012 with my bud I went to see the Leonids with as well as Star Wars in Concert…  I napped for the rest of the afternoon

3) Went to my spiritual meeting from 6P – 7:30P… It was a fun and full meeting!  I got to sit next to my best bud…

4) I drove over to my bud’s place and picked him up then over to Grove for the movie night… We messed around in the car of the parking lot followed by a quick dinner at Cheesecake Factory, then the movie…  Here are the highlights of this evening:

 a) I stepped on a pile of poo!!!  Ew!!!

 b) I wanted it to be a date, but worried to call it a date…  I treated it as if it wasn’t eventhough we held hands, made out, had movie and dinner… LOL…  It was walking back to the car from the movie when my bud mentioned that he didn’t bring his cell phone because that he never does when he’s on a date… He treated Star Wars as well as the Leonids as date nights… Hmmm…  I was shocked to hear him first share that he considered tonight a date…  Next that he was worried all day long about our date tonight… Awe… That hopefully means he likes me and wants me to like him too!

 c) I learned that bringing a cell phone to a date is poor dating etiquette… I shouldn’t have told my date that he smelled like “gardenia” flowers as it was a cologne he was very proud of…  I should’ve just assumed that he wanted to date me as much as I wanted to ask him out on a date!

Lastly, here is the part that is grace as my perception since the night with the Leonids went sooo poorly in my mind…  I was hoping for more, but was convinced it wasn’t going anywhere as I thought he was happy with what we had, just sex…  I was sooo convinced that I had given up on the idea that anything would come of this… I almost ended up relapsing with some superficial schmuck… Thank goodness I didn’t follow through…

This could have been a remake of my date with Sean 1.5 years ago!  Where I got loaded the night before and destroyed any opportunity for something wonderful…  I came just that close last night and could’ve thrown everything away again… I couldn’t be more grateful, I have smart feet and didn’t allow my very very smart brain to try to take over and tell me what is best! 

Time for sleepy… I am incredibly grateful right now…

Q

16,470

Today is yet another sad day as 53% of State of Maine voted to RAPE the CIVIL RIGHTS from recognition of same sex marriage and all rights there in.  This is after Legislatures AND the Governor of Maine signed into law the fundamental right for someone like myself to be able to marry the person I love (which would so happen to be a man!) and be able to provide for and receive health benefits and SIMPLE benefits like… say, if I got hospitalized, my partner would NOT be recognized as a “member of the family” and wouldn’t be able to make decisions on my behalf if I were unable to!

It’s just tragic that over a couple hundred years ago, even one of our Founding Fathers of this nation, Thomas Jefferson stated:

“All too, will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will to be rightful must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal law must protect, and to violate would be oppression.”

Funny how the ideas of those who drafted these very constitutional rights knew what Civil Rights CANNOT be impinged upon…  Today, the nation spoke loud and it screams that we are condoning hate, bigotry, and free will to violenty rape and strip certain people of civil rights.

… Today is yet another sad day…  In this given moment, I am sure our loving God is ashamed of those who claim to speak out on his behalf to practice oppression!!!

These are not personal liberties.  These are human rights!!!

Proud Gay Man who will continue to fight against H8,

Quoc

14,290…

So… I sooo desperately need to vent today… I’ve had quite a terrible day… It’s been detiorating from the past week…  It pretty much started with me coming down with a cold last week… My cold finally caught up with me and came at me with a revenge on this past Saturday…  I got all the symptoms with all the trimmings: runny nose, stuffy nose, sneezing, coughing, itchy throat, lungs and sinus…

So, I spent all of Sunday pretty much chillin and trying to recover….  It was a pretty miserable existence as I had plans on visiting my Sis and my Brother In Law… I was going to bring my camera to the Bellflower home and snap some shots before they move out of the home that I pretty much grew up in from 1979 until just 2001?  That’s a lot of years to spend in a home… A lot of memories… So, I spent the day and evening just in bed… Sigh…  I did get some chores taken care of though… I got the dishes cleaned, some vacuuming in… then the bathroom and even the kitchen floor! Oh yeah, loads and loads of laundry were done.

I was going to call in sick on Monday… But I didn’t as I had to present during a Training that I couldn’t get out of…  I presented the afternoon long peace and went to my meeting afterwards… I then chatted with my new pal in Holland…  Then to bed…

I woke up on Tuesday feeling really really lousy from a night’s worth of coughing with all the other symptoms…  Those symptoms did not subside… I continued having the coughy sneezy stuffy nose symptoms…  I didn’t want to spread my disease so I stayed home and rested most of it…  I did manage to clean my apartment clean on Sunday… I was grateful because I needed to be bedridden all of Tuesday… I didn’t even go to my evening meeting… In the many hours of being in bed and sleeping on my side or sleeping with elevated head from too many pillows?  I don’t know… Somehow, someway I ended pulling my back right neck muscle AGAIN!!  It was very annoying!!!

Then Wednesday came…  I spent the morning at our company launch of a new campaign to distribute condoms nationwide!  It was very cool being at the House of Blues…  The restaurant/bar/night club was empty at 11 in the morning…  We stayed for the President’s yet another inspirational speech before heading off to enjoy some continental breakfast followed by lunch with my co-workers at a Thai restaurant in Hollywood…

Then I was non-stop until 7:30P…  I was exhausted, but was pressured by my supervisor to get a project done… I left almost disoriented because I was so tired!  I went to my meeting to give a friend a cake for an anniversary… I couldn’t not be there because he’s one of my best friends… I stayed for the meeting and shared what was going on…

The final straw was some crazy homeless guy… I mean LITERALLY CRAZY guy tried to get change from me, but when I didn’t offer any up, he grabbed me pretty firmly… That really upset me!!!  Not cool man!!!  If I weren’t so disoriented, I would have dropped kicked it butt and then made amends later… I am glad I didn’t act on that…

Suffice it to say, I came home exhausted… With a pain in my neck to the point where I can’t move my head.  I am physically exhausted and dehydrated… I am sooo grateful I just cooked chicken soup in a crockpot for over 10 hours… The meat is falling off the bone and the bone is actually incredibly soft too!!!  Yum!!!  I love chewing the marrow!!!  I had 3 big helping bowls of it with a little rice…  It really helped rehydrate me…

So, now I am about to go to sleep… I just got done chatting with my bud in Holland… This whole webcam thing is a bit addictive…. It’s cool to be able to chat with someone around the world… See them and hear them and talk to them… This is the first time I’ve ever purchased a webcam… I kinda like it!

Anyway, I needed to vent a little bit as it’s been an interesting few weeks… My life has indeed become sooo full, I find little if any time to blog anymore…  My life has indeed become rich and meaningful and full of activities and people to hang out with and activities to do!  It’s quite fantastic actually…. The bummer part of it is that it’s all blog-worthy stuff to write about… Except that I find myself too tired at the end of each day to record the thoughts and feelings from days past…

Here are highlights… I turned 1 year sober this past July 21.  I got to make a list of people places and things I owe amends to and actually take the steps in doing so… I got to spend time with an old buddy and his son…. They reunited after many years of not knowing the other person existed…  I got a cat: BK = Burger King… He was originally named Baby Kitty, but for whatever reason, whenever I heard BK, I thought Burger King… So that’s his name…  I am too tired again to really write all the fantastic experiences I have had…

Alas, it’s time for me to go to sleep already again… I just needed to vent a little though… Thanks for listening all…  It’s been this long since I’ve had a bad day!!!  That’s fantastic!!!

Cheers,

Quoc

NUMBER 1: 365 days of continuous sobriety = no mind altering substances in my body!!!

2) There no power in being a victim; today I choose not to be a victim!

12,398

So, I’ve had an incredibly full day!  Work has been relentlessly mundane, repetitive and monotonous…  It’s not work that hurts one’s brain, rather the kind of work that causes for me to run from boredom!!!  I also do not enjoy cleaning up after a mess… I am more of a pioneer and creating new ideas and building programs from the ground up rather than working with a fixer upper!

However, when one is dealt ONE hand and only have one deck of cards to work with; then I get to do the best I can with the resources I have…  I get to be adaptable!!!  Other than this, work is work!  I am grateful to have a job… Multitudes of friends around me have lost their jobs with great challenges in securing a new job!

So, the real highlight is getting to go to 2 meetings back to back in the evening to support my two closest friends who were each sharing at separate 12 step meetings.  It was wonderful to see them; know their story; hear the wonderful highlights and be filled with so much gratitude and love for these fellas that I welled up with tears in sharing my gratitude for them!

I had a very very very unexpected surprise and blast from the past!!!  My elementary and high school classmate and long time friend (and at the time rival and competition) Steven Johnson sent me a message via facebook and asked me to be his friend!  He prefaced it with a statement about me hating him when we were younger in elementary and high school…  I remember feeling as if he were competition… He seemed like the perfect example of what a typical american would look like and live like… I think there was a deep sense of envy… He was intelligent, smart, extroverted and very very talented… He sang, was part of all the smart clubs and associations as well as made friends easily… He always made attempts to be my friend…  I can’t imagine why I acted so adversely to being his friend way back when… Again, the only thing I can attribute it to is my prideful asian side feeling competitive and very very very threatened by my perceived greatness about him.  Either way, 25 years or so later, I couldn’t be more grateful to have a reunion after losing touch with each other for so long!!!  I hope to get to catch up with him and hear about his life and what has gone on in the decades we haven’t seen each other!

I will conclude with some thoughts from the two 12 step meetings I attended…

- Regardless of whether I believe the 12 step program works or not; the idea is if I do the work and do what is suggested: go to meetings, be of service, complete the 12 steps… Stay clean and sober, trust God, be of service and clean house…  Then the analogy is very much like being in a barber shop long enough… The end consequence is I will end up with a haircut… Very much the same way with going to the gym… If I hung around there long enough and exercise… Whether I believe that I will get fit or not, the result of taking the action will yield the results of being physically fit… In order for me to stay spiritually fit, there are a series of things I get to do to exercise and flex and grow that my Higher Power and in essence end up spiritually fit!!!

- My Higher Power (God) does not create wreckage and create consequences (negative) for me… My Higher Power only believes and opens a space for love and light!!!  When negative/bad things happen, then it’s because I am blocking the sunlight of the spirit or it has to do with life happening; not God creating some obstacle or punishing me…  Mom died because of her cancer, not God… Dad died from Lou Gerhrig’s disease; God didn’t take my parents away… Rather, God was there to receive them when they made the transition!  Very much the same way with me; if I get into an accident, it’s because someone made a mistake…  God only gives me a different way to live life and have tools to live life on life’s terms!  I get to choose!!!

- Lastly, one of the speakers tonight shared of recovery… Recovery as defined in the Webster’s Dictionary is:  “being in the process of overcoming a disorder or shortcoming <a recovering alcoholic>.”  It doesn’t talk about ascertaining anything… What I personally believe it to be partly is an opportunity to shed those parts that don’t belong to Quoc I get to let go of in order to expose the authentic and true Quoc…  In recovery, it’s more like discovering that part of me when I was much much much younger and not covered in the ugliness that life may have brought into my life and covered all those parts that aren’t Quoc… We get to chip away all the parts that aren’t Quoc to create that perfect and beautiful manifestation called Quoc, a wonderful sober gay healthy mature man!

Cheers,

Quoc