Alas I digressed… Remember that smart alec remark made by that sober guy about me being phony?  I can’t help but feel that man is working a much more rigorously honest program than I am as I am standing here on the precipice of my life…  Yeah again… I do recall an entry where I did write this…

So, I am sitting here crying… I have just reasons to be angry, disappointed and feeling like a complete failure… I need no sympathy… This time 7 months ago, I made a decision as a sober man… A conscious decision to take action to act out and put myself in harms way and ended up relapsing… Even my infinitely powerful God who tried to create and place as many God posts and warning signs (literally in the form of running into one person from the program or another) so that I may halt (stands for hungry or in my case “horny” too, angry, lonely and tired) and tell the truth about what is really going on instead of acting out on the lie my head was telling me at the time as a justification to go f*ck it and act out… The idea was that I could go hook up with some guy who was loaded on drugs and me being the almighty spiritual “recovered” man that I was could withstand the temptation of NOT picking up at the sight of it… Suffice it to say, within 30 minutes, I was loaded…

My head told me that this time will be like the past few times…  That I would pick myself back up dust myself off promptly and walk a sober man yet again with another lesson learned… I did not heed the warning signs divinely written in the Big Book… This is a terminal, progressive and fatal illness that no “alcoholic” can ever be cured from… My sobriety and recovery is contingent upon my daily actions to maintain that intimate conscious contact with my Higher Power… I forgot that NO POWER could have relieved me from picking up the mind altering substance… ONLY MY GOD IS POWERFUL enough… I constantly say God willing… God is willing and wanting and wishing me to stay sober, free and happy!!!  I need to reword that and ask is Quoc WILLING to go to any lengths to stay sober one day at a time?  This means to “abandon myself completely to this simple program.”  Simple has not been easy… It’s been incredibly hard… I know that can never be an excuse as there are legions of men and women who are clean and sober today who have had it just as bad or worst than me who walk free men and women who live life on life’s terms… Sober never guaranteed I’d be happy and not experience financial insecurity or my number one pick of the menu… rejection from a man… Men!!!  I can’t live with them and I can’t live with them!!!  And yet, I keep walking back into that stupid trap of thinking some man will fix me… Or rather my fixation on fixing the man will keep me too occupied to relapse… Furthermore, by finding the emotionally and spiritually broken and fixing them… They will validate me and give me purpose in being useful for someone… WRONG!!  I am enabling them and myself…

I forget that in recovery, I get to become emotionally self supporting.. I need not find validation from the outside…  I can find more than enough from within…

Ok… That all sounds very good… I’ve always been very good at talking the talk… Now the track record tells me that I am not walking my talk… I am overwhelmed with fear that God won’t take care of me in moments that I am asked to blindly surrender completely and give it over to God… To just do the work and not have any expectations…  Instead of acting like and adult sober man… I act like a selfish, self-seeking childish immature alcoholic!!! 

Here is the bottom line… EVEN if I don’t work a perfect program…  My current experience tells me that I would rather be a miserable sober alcoholic than a miserable loaded alcoholic… At this point, I stand at the precipice… Why do I say this again?

I just got done doing weeks upon weeks of dishes…  It took me hours to do all the dishes and that is with the help of the dishwasher…

I just got done yesterday doing weeks upon weeks of laundry… I pretty much had run out of clothes to wear…

I have missed out on the most important anniversary of a good friend who’s marriage to his loving wife equaled that to half of his life in his disease… What an honor it is to be asked to show up for that and for my crazy head to prioritize me and my needs over showing up for them…

I have missed the all important and unique graduation for my baby Sister Judy… I just remember the week before Mom died how Judy wore her high school graduation cap and gown to see her before Mom passed away… I remember promising Mom that I would take care of my sisters… I can barely take care of myself…

I have missed enough work and promises to take care of a most important job I have been graced with… I get to be a Trainer in teaching other people to become counselors and save others lives… I can tell you right now, I feel powerless over saving my own life…

I am sitting hear with a mind and body so impacted that I am unable to discern fantasy from reality… Am I being watched, harrassed and monitored by my neighbors?  Is it truly too sensational as EVERYONE else I have tried to share that everyone is too busy to spend any amount of time that I claim to monitor, follow, harrass, and follow me… I honestly don’t even have the answer to this question…

So the ONE question that I get to answer is… AM I SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED?!?!  The answer, I have been sick and tired of being sick and tired… The problem is following through with having smart feet and making it to meetings; growing strong arms to pick up that 2 ton heavy telephone to say hello and “HELP ME,” for being incredibly courageous by raising my hand and telling the TRUTH about what is REALLY GOING ON in my perceived f*cked up life rather than try to be the PTA Mom for recovery!  I don’t need to carry the message all the time… It’s okay for me to share the mess once in awhile… I remember a line I used to say all the time in high school… “THERE IS NO MAN MORE SAD THAN HE WHO LAUGHS TOO MUCH.”  Who knew that I prophesized that man was the one in the mirror…

So, instead of treating my loneiness with isolation… Instead of only getting to look in the mirror and see a grotesque, undesirable, unnattractive, unhealthy, insane, unappreciated and wanted man… I get to go to meetings and see myself through your eyes (mirrors)…  I have yet to be disappointed from anyone in the rooms… I have over 900 friends (I call my brothers and sisters) in recovery… Any one of them who’d be happy and willing to drop everything to help  me as I have done for them…

Instead my arrogant *ss… too prideful to be willing to accept the help… Or rather… too stubborn to admit that MY WAY IS KILLING ME… So, for awhile, I thought the only person I was hurting was myself… I clearly loathe myself enough to not care about that… However, in the recent couple months, I actions I have taken and decisions I have made (or actions not taken and made) have adversely impacted those I care MOST about… I hear them use words like: disappointed, lack of integrity, stop lying, and watch as they set healthy boundaries by not jumping in the ocean to drown with me… Rather to let me know that there is a way out if I want to grab onto a buoy…

I am saddened that I will be ending 9 years of blogging… with this one… Who knows, I may revampt this page back up… Or better yet, turn it into some autobiography… I am sure there are passages that have helped people walk through difficult times… I learned how to do it by reaching one hand out to help another person and reaching the other hand whenever I needed help… If I am busy doing that, I am out of hands to pick up a drink or drug!!!  It’s that simple!!!

Now comes facing fear with courage by showing back up in the rooms and accepting your love, support, tears, and telling me how glad you are to see me back… for demonstrating respect for how powerful this disease is… for making amends and expressing deep apology for the lack of gratitude for the time, love, energy so many of you have volunteered without my need to ask (as I am sure many of you know how proud and stubborn I am) in helping me stay well…

I am not a bad person trying to get good.. I am a very sick man who needs to help to get well… I know what to do…  THE FIRST AND CONSISTENT THING I HAVE BEEN TOLD IS TO PRAY AND ASK GOD FOR WILLINGNESS… TO BE DESPERATE…  I think I am there as I am disgusted in myself right now… I have been living like an animal…

This is a good starting place… No where else to go but up right?  As if I keep going at this rate… The only direction I will be going is 6 feet under the ground… NOT CUTE for this Gaysian, brimming full of love to share with another person… without understanding that I get to learn to share it rather than give it away and deplete my own reserves…

TODAY, I AM A FULL AND WHOLE SOBER MAN WHO GETS TO MAKE THE DECISION OF ACTING LIKE A GRATEFUL, SOBER, WHOLE AND GOOD MAN DESERVING OF THE LOVE THAT MY HIGHER POWER KEEPS SHARING WITH ME and me squinting like a kid and throwing it back in his face…

I will be contacting Brad to negotiate modifying access to this blog or disabling this blog all together… TO THE 23,528 people who have visited, I hope you got something positive out of any of the passages you have read… If nothing at all, I got to normalize the life you live one day at a time… That life IS INDEED NOT PERFECT… But we get to walk through it with grace, love and actually remember to pause in the pursuit of happiness just to be happy…

HUGGERS TO YOU ALL!!!  LOOK ME UP ON FACEBOOK FOR UPDATES ON HOW MY DAG NAB MOST INTERESTING LIFE IS DOING!!!  WITH SOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH LOVE AND A HUGE VILLAGE LIKE Y’ALL SUPPORTING ME, HOW CAN I SINK?  REMEMBER, MY MOM AND DAD PROMISED ME THAT THEY WOULD NOT LEAVE THIS WORLD WITHOUT MAKING SURE THEIR MAMA’S BOY OF A SON WOULD BE TAKEN CARE OF… They knew that being surrounded by a worldwide full of people in recovery who’s PRIMARY PURPOSE IS TO CARRY A MESSAGE OF LOVE, SERVICE AND TOLERANCE… They would leave knowing their son will always have a father (figure), brother, mother, sister, friend to help him if and WHEN he would ask and ACCEPT the help… And when he is having those better moments to reach out and share that immense love he has for his brothers and sisters…

Happy Father’s Day Dad… Thank you for showing me 63 years of dedicating your life to your family despite being ravaged by a gambling addiction… I didn’t understand…  I thought you were a selfish, greedy, disrespectful, arrogant man…  I didn’t realize all you needed was help… I hope you and Mom are having a great time in heaven right now… Please send her a hug and kiss…

Happy Birthday Steve… I couldn’t be more sorry that I loused up a couple years of well… bliss for me… I know all I have been to you is someone just to chill with every now and then…  What I got was God telling me for an instant that I was ready to take the next step in learning more about intimacy and how to express it in a healthy way… God sent you as my Teacher…  I am sorry I lied to you; and as a result, not get to do something incredibly sweet and making you smile (not just with your teeth), but with those incredibly gorgeous big blue sparkling eyes… I hope you have had a great birthday and didn’t get too smashed!!!  I pray that I will get to be in touch with you again…  For what it’s worth you’ve made me a better man…

…  So… folks…  I am going to end the same way I started.. I received this domain: www.quoclam.com from my talented friend from Chicago, Brad Held as a birthday present… August 2001…  Well, suffice it to say, my butt got kicked into a state of reasonableness FOR THE FIRST TIME TO ask for help and ended up in recovery for the first time May 19, 2003…  I think you get to see of of the blogs just before my life implodes upon into itself as my sister dropped my HIV positive, homeless, broke, 102 pound soaking wet crazy ass into the Van Ness Recovery House for help… You will see I disappear for about I think a year as I was indeed working a VERY rigorous program!!!  I took it seriously then!!!  I was like a machine!!!  I finally got around to “reluctantly” blog as my life was incredibly full between meetings everyday and working a full time job… This is without a CAR!!!  That’s like insane in LA!  I did it for 2 years!!!    Perhaps that is what I need to do again to get grateful!  Just park my car and take the bus to work and to meetings…   I had lost touch with 30 of my closest friends who were worried sick when I went into recovery… I finally emerged and our lives had changed… Some moved, others got sooo busy that a phone call was difficult to make… So,  guess what?  I started blogging for their benefit to keep them up to date with my life… Literally, I would get about 3 hits a week or about 10 hits a month!!!  LOL… Who knew that over the years that some of the words I was only sharing with close friends was being read by others… You wrote comments on who you accidently found my site and found it intriguing… LOL… Suffice it to say, for those of you who have followed, I wrote some of my deepest and darkest moments… At the same time, there are the most happy and joyous moments shared that are documented… 

Come to think of it, perhaps I need to go back and read my own blog… Perhaps I have forgotten what it was like… What happened when I started getting willing and what my life blossomed into and how I was able to overcome incredible moments of despair… AND STAY AWAY FROM MIND ALTERING SUBSTANCES… 

My friends remind me that I have not lost all my experiences… I just lost the continuous sobriety… I still have the wisdom and experience from years of working a great program…  I just have to step it up a few more notches!!!

Ok… I have to really go all… Sorry to leaving you all hanging like this…

FIND ME ON FACEBOOK…

Always in love and service,

Quoc Lam

Quoclam@gmail.com

HUGGERS!!!!!

What a year it has been aye?  As a matter of fact, what a wild past few weeks it has been… Suffice it to say, my life continues to get bigger and bigger…  There are days when I wonder how am I going to attend to all the wonderful things that are happening in my life… The nice thing is that it all takes care of itself…

So, I was going to keep this blog entry private and type it in a word document for my own personal reference… But I was thinking, yet again, if another can benefit from my own personal trials, tribulations and lessons learned from these experiences… Wouldn’t it be of great benefit by sharing it?

Tomorrow morning, I get to be a speaker to share some of my experience strength and hope regarding the spiritual journey I continue to lead…  Needless to say, my head has been spinning just a little trying to jog up talking points that would enlighten, inspire and add to the tool box of others and for myself in my share…  I thought I would free write this here and impart them with you… Hopefully tomorrow, I will be able to put it all together into some cohesive stream of thought…

So here goes some of the highlights…

- In speaking, all I ask is that I am a “channel of Thy peace.”  Not of thy insanity or thy problems or thy chaos…. I only hope to carry a message of experience and hope as a victory for the spiritual program I am a part of.

- My gift of spirituality and serenity (soundness of mind) in consideration of the fact that without spiritual treatment, I am a “deranged” person… On page 145 in the spiritual reference book I use… It says that “The greatest enemies to those who have a “spiritual malady” are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration and fear.  There in lies the answer to the difference between God’s will and my will…  When I am in self will, I am acting with a foundation of resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration and fear… God’s will is full of serenity and simplicity!

- I need remind myself to do God’s WORK rather than to do God’s JOB!!!  God does NOT need me to do his/her/it’s job!!!  What my God needs me to do is his/her/it’s work in carrying a message of love, tolerance, mercy, patience in all affairs of my life…

- I need to STOP questioning and doubting God when my Higher Power feels that I am ready to experience and learn about certain things… Example – I have been praying to learn how to date and learn intimacy and develop skills in romantic relationships with others.  My Higher Power feels that I other aspects of my life: finances, employment, family, and friendship are being managed well enough to where I GET TO NOW EXPERIENCE AND GR”OW” (gr”ow”th is just the word “ow” with a couple of letters on each side) and learn about me in the dating relationship I get to have with S****.  I have been experiencing lots of pain that have been self-inflicted…  I forget to give thanks to my Higher Power for appreciating that this Student named Quoc is ready for a Teacher named S**** to show up in his life to teach Quoc and help Quoc work on his defects of character in intimate relationships and replace them with character assets…  I have been jealous, controlling, neurotic, obsessive, insecure, resentful, frustrated, fearful in the past weeks and year with S****…  I am sure all these characteristics are incredibly sexy and attract another person… LOL… The nice thing is that I can’t be botching this up that bad as we are still hanging out…  I get to learn that relationships and dating and intimacy and commitment have sooo many different meanings… Being with S**** has challenged sooo many nuances of my life and beliefs that I have been brought up with and values that I thought were written in stone… Instead, I am learning that different people have different understandings and beliefs and values of intimacy, commitment and what a relationship looks like… AND NO ONE ANSWER IS THE RIGHT ANSWER!  I do NOT get to impose my values upon another…  When that happens, I experience not only resistance from another, I experience resistance and loss of serenity within my own self…  My deranged and warped mind thinks and interprets what I have with S**** as anything but healthy, when in reality, if one were to look at what I share with S****, it is incredibly healthy!  We hang out and go to parties and movies and trips to watch meteor showers… We get to have amazing sex as two consenting adults… We get to share our thoughts and opinions of the mundane and whatever else goes on in life outside of what we share with each other… Sure, I WANT to microwave this relationship and make it go faster… Sure I WANT to give this relationship a label and call him a “boyfriend.”  Sure I WANT to keep this relationship “monogamous” (which this one word has sooo many different meanings) between the two of us… HOWEVER, there are two parties in this relationship and there needs to be a shared agreement on what works and what doesn’t…  I am learning to be a team player and a partner in this relationship and think of both our best interests rather than just wanting what I want, when I want it and how I want it regardless of the consequences to anyone else!  HOW SELFISH!!!  So, I get to have these thoughts and wants… What I get to do also is appreciate that what I want is not what this RELATIONSHIP NEEDS.  I never had a deep understanding of “good is the enemy of the best.”  That if I personally feel that what I have with S**** is “good” but know that the “best” is available… By not willing to let go of the “good” and continuing to nurse on the “good” and staying fearful that things won’t get any better than what I have or fear of letting go of this imperfect security blanket, that I will lose it all… I am preventing an opportunity for the “best” relationship from blossoming… What do I do about this???  STAY IN THE FRIGGIN’ MOMENT… It’s like me complaining about the long line to get a parking space at Disneyland… And half the day has gone by… In nursing on that moment that occurred the morning of, I have lost all apprecation and joy from getting to enjoy all that which is happening in each “present” moment!!!  So, when I am with S**** am I resentful by nursing on past wrongs?  By being jealous and fearful, am I nursing on a future that has NOT occurred yet?  In placing one foot in the past and one foot in the future, I am peeing and pooing all over the present!!!  What I GET TO DO IS remember where both feet are… In the present… Am I living and experiencing those moments shared with S**** and not going beyond that?  Can I not trust that the reason he is still there is because he DOES appreciate the full package of what I have to offer?  These are some of the things I need to remember in what I am experiencing… Also, it was only about 1+ year ago, that I thought my life would collapse into itself if I wasn’t in a relationship with a man named S*** (4 letters and not 5 letters)… Instead, in this given moment today, I get to share something incredibly special with a guy named S****(5 letters)…  This proves that God knows what is best for me and has my best interest in mind at all times… Just because I see only dark clouds, doesn’t mean the sun is not there… So, am I willing to surrender control of what I think is best for me and for others and continue to work a spiritual program of acting for the best interest of both parties vs. just thinking for my own self serving purposes? Bottom line is when I complain that dating sucks… Is the truth that I suck at dating?!  And if I suck at dating, then I doesn’t that mean I don’t know what’s best for me and those I get to date?  If that is the case, shouldn’t I be open to different ideas of what a successful date looks like? 

- I will probably share about this “gift” that I have is like receiving a gift of a car…  A gift needs to be maintained…  If I just take the gift of a car and drive it for 20,000 – 50,000 miles without changing the oils, getting tune ups and inflating the tires etc… and maintaining this gift… Guess what?  I shouldn’t be surprised when the gift breaks down or becomes useless!!!  I must do the same thing in maintaining my spiritual fitness…  As someone with a spiritual malady, I must continue to take action in maintaining spiritual fitness… If I don’t, then it no longer works!!!  It’ just that simple!

- I will probably share about what someone else said just a couple weeks ago…  That as a result of doing the work in maintaining a spiritually fit life, his life is “unbelievably blessed.”  That because he set his fantasies to the side, it allowed all his dreams to come true…  I have a tendency of forgetting how good life is today as a result of the work I am doing to stay spiritually fit.  In comparson to just 6 years ago, my life is indeed unbelievably richer than it was… In comparison to just 1 year ago…  My life is indeed unbelievably blessed!!!

- I need to continue to make affirmations as there is one that was very recently shared with me… Quoc, whether you think you can or you think you cannot, YOU’LL ALWAYS BE RIGHT!  So, am I affirming a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure or one of success and serenity, harmony and joy?

- I forget to be grateful for the simple things… 

I want to own a brand new BMW, when I forget to be grateful to have a car that runs well

I want to own a big house, when I should be grateful to have the means of paying for my own space that keeps me warm, safe, secure and creates sanctuary for me…

I don’t want to be HIV positive, when I forget that I am incredibly healthy and have life saving meds available to me that help me maintain an incredibly healthy life

I want to have a boyfriend, when I am incredibly blessed with a group of people who fulfill those aspects of my life I need such as laughter; intellectual, spiritual and emotional intimacy; opportunity to have fun with people and go to movies and dinner with… And oh wait, I am seeing someone who is incredibly sexy, successful, and reciprocates the appreciation I have for him…  I do have a wealth of friends and intimacy; the crazy thing is if I listen long enough to my thinking, it will convince me that I am alone, unwanted, unnecessary and unloveable!!!  CRAZY RIGHT?!!!

I want to have a better paying job, when I forget to be grateful for the fact that I have a job I am good at, love to do, and blessed to be paid to be of service to others and help save lives…. And eventhough I am not making a whole bunch of money, I am paid pretty well for what I do…  The bottom line is… How grateful should I be to just have a job in this economy?

In conclusion, I pray for all of us in 2010 when we get into those moods of I am not getting what I want… Am I taking a moment to ask one question… Am I getting everything I need?  That what I want may not necessarily be good for me or others.  I offer to my Higher Power complete abandon and trust that whatever is going to happen in the next year is EXACTLY what supposed to happen to help me or others… God makes no mistakes… God has no grandkids; God only has kids… So when I complain about you and how you are a mistake, I am telling God that he made a mistake… That is arrogant and I then take on the role of doing God’s Job verses doing God’s Work.

This is in gratitude for an amazing 2009 and I raise my sparkling non-alcoholic apple cider to all of you everyday in 2010 to be filled with excitement for the unpredictable and unknown in helping us grow spiritually. 

Always in love and service,

Quoc

I am too tired to write full recount of all that has taken place this past weekend, but suffice it to say, things could have turned out very very very good or horribly wrong…  I am lucky to be graced with the very good despite my intentions to sabotage…  Here are some highlights:

1) Saturday evening, 11/21 went to “The Edison” for snack and drinks…  This was with co-workers… It was supposed to be a birthday dinner with reservation, but that didn’t pan out… Still had fun as we went to China Bistro after…  The bar is very very chic!

2) Sunday up to take my spiritual mentee to Gladstone’s in Malibu, followed by a trip to the Grove to buy tickets early to see 2012 with my bud I went to see the Leonids with as well as Star Wars in Concert…  I napped for the rest of the afternoon

3) Went to my spiritual meeting from 6P – 7:30P… It was a fun and full meeting!  I got to sit next to my best bud…

4) I drove over to my bud’s place and picked him up then over to Grove for the movie night… We messed around in the car of the parking lot followed by a quick dinner at Cheesecake Factory, then the movie…  Here are the highlights of this evening:

 a) I stepped on a pile of poo!!!  Ew!!!

 b) I wanted it to be a date, but worried to call it a date…  I treated it as if it wasn’t eventhough we held hands, made out, had movie and dinner… LOL…  It was walking back to the car from the movie when my bud mentioned that he didn’t bring his cell phone because that he never does when he’s on a date… He treated Star Wars as well as the Leonids as date nights… Hmmm…  I was shocked to hear him first share that he considered tonight a date…  Next that he was worried all day long about our date tonight… Awe… That hopefully means he likes me and wants me to like him too!

 c) I learned that bringing a cell phone to a date is poor dating etiquette… I shouldn’t have told my date that he smelled like “gardenia” flowers as it was a cologne he was very proud of…  I should’ve just assumed that he wanted to date me as much as I wanted to ask him out on a date!

Lastly, here is the part that is grace as my perception since the night with the Leonids went sooo poorly in my mind…  I was hoping for more, but was convinced it wasn’t going anywhere as I thought he was happy with what we had, just sex…  I was sooo convinced that I had given up on the idea that anything would come of this… I almost ended up relapsing with some superficial schmuck… Thank goodness I didn’t follow through…

This could have been a remake of my date with Sean 1.5 years ago!  Where I got loaded the night before and destroyed any opportunity for something wonderful…  I came just that close last night and could’ve thrown everything away again… I couldn’t be more grateful, I have smart feet and didn’t allow my very very smart brain to try to take over and tell me what is best! 

Time for sleepy… I am incredibly grateful right now…

Q

Today is yet another sad day as 53% of State of Maine voted to RAPE the CIVIL RIGHTS from recognition of same sex marriage and all rights there in.  This is after Legislatures AND the Governor of Maine signed into law the fundamental right for someone like myself to be able to marry the person I love (which would so happen to be a man!) and be able to provide for and receive health benefits and SIMPLE benefits like… say, if I got hospitalized, my partner would NOT be recognized as a “member of the family” and wouldn’t be able to make decisions on my behalf if I were unable to!

It’s just tragic that over a couple hundred years ago, even one of our Founding Fathers of this nation, Thomas Jefferson stated:

“All too, will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will to be rightful must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal law must protect, and to violate would be oppression.”

Funny how the ideas of those who drafted these very constitutional rights knew what Civil Rights CANNOT be impinged upon…  Today, the nation spoke loud and it screams that we are condoning hate, bigotry, and free will to violenty rape and strip certain people of civil rights.

… Today is yet another sad day…  In this given moment, I am sure our loving God is ashamed of those who claim to speak out on his behalf to practice oppression!!!

These are not personal liberties.  These are human rights!!!

Proud Gay Man who will continue to fight against H8,

Quoc

So… I sooo desperately need to vent today… I’ve had quite a terrible day… It’s been detiorating from the past week…  It pretty much started with me coming down with a cold last week… My cold finally caught up with me and came at me with a revenge on this past Saturday…  I got all the symptoms with all the trimmings: runny nose, stuffy nose, sneezing, coughing, itchy throat, lungs and sinus…

So, I spent all of Sunday pretty much chillin and trying to recover….  It was a pretty miserable existence as I had plans on visiting my Sis and my Brother In Law… I was going to bring my camera to the Bellflower home and snap some shots before they move out of the home that I pretty much grew up in from 1979 until just 2001?  That’s a lot of years to spend in a home… A lot of memories… So, I spent the day and evening just in bed… Sigh…  I did get some chores taken care of though… I got the dishes cleaned, some vacuuming in… then the bathroom and even the kitchen floor! Oh yeah, loads and loads of laundry were done.

I was going to call in sick on Monday… But I didn’t as I had to present during a Training that I couldn’t get out of…  I presented the afternoon long peace and went to my meeting afterwards… I then chatted with my new pal in Holland…  Then to bed…

I woke up on Tuesday feeling really really lousy from a night’s worth of coughing with all the other symptoms…  Those symptoms did not subside… I continued having the coughy sneezy stuffy nose symptoms…  I didn’t want to spread my disease so I stayed home and rested most of it…  I did manage to clean my apartment clean on Sunday… I was grateful because I needed to be bedridden all of Tuesday… I didn’t even go to my evening meeting… In the many hours of being in bed and sleeping on my side or sleeping with elevated head from too many pillows?  I don’t know… Somehow, someway I ended pulling my back right neck muscle AGAIN!!  It was very annoying!!!

Then Wednesday came…  I spent the morning at our company launch of a new campaign to distribute condoms nationwide!  It was very cool being at the House of Blues…  The restaurant/bar/night club was empty at 11 in the morning…  We stayed for the President’s yet another inspirational speech before heading off to enjoy some continental breakfast followed by lunch with my co-workers at a Thai restaurant in Hollywood…

Then I was non-stop until 7:30P…  I was exhausted, but was pressured by my supervisor to get a project done… I left almost disoriented because I was so tired!  I went to my meeting to give a friend a cake for an anniversary… I couldn’t not be there because he’s one of my best friends… I stayed for the meeting and shared what was going on…

The final straw was some crazy homeless guy… I mean LITERALLY CRAZY guy tried to get change from me, but when I didn’t offer any up, he grabbed me pretty firmly… That really upset me!!!  Not cool man!!!  If I weren’t so disoriented, I would have dropped kicked it butt and then made amends later… I am glad I didn’t act on that…

Suffice it to say, I came home exhausted… With a pain in my neck to the point where I can’t move my head.  I am physically exhausted and dehydrated… I am sooo grateful I just cooked chicken soup in a crockpot for over 10 hours… The meat is falling off the bone and the bone is actually incredibly soft too!!!  Yum!!!  I love chewing the marrow!!!  I had 3 big helping bowls of it with a little rice…  It really helped rehydrate me…

So, now I am about to go to sleep… I just got done chatting with my bud in Holland… This whole webcam thing is a bit addictive…. It’s cool to be able to chat with someone around the world… See them and hear them and talk to them… This is the first time I’ve ever purchased a webcam… I kinda like it!

Anyway, I needed to vent a little bit as it’s been an interesting few weeks… My life has indeed become sooo full, I find little if any time to blog anymore…  My life has indeed become rich and meaningful and full of activities and people to hang out with and activities to do!  It’s quite fantastic actually…. The bummer part of it is that it’s all blog-worthy stuff to write about… Except that I find myself too tired at the end of each day to record the thoughts and feelings from days past…

Here are highlights… I turned 1 year sober this past July 21.  I got to make a list of people places and things I owe amends to and actually take the steps in doing so… I got to spend time with an old buddy and his son…. They reunited after many years of not knowing the other person existed…  I got a cat: BK = Burger King… He was originally named Baby Kitty, but for whatever reason, whenever I heard BK, I thought Burger King… So that’s his name…  I am too tired again to really write all the fantastic experiences I have had…

Alas, it’s time for me to go to sleep already again… I just needed to vent a little though… Thanks for listening all…  It’s been this long since I’ve had a bad day!!!  That’s fantastic!!!

Cheers,

Quoc

2) There no power in being a victim; today I choose not to be a victim!

So, I’ve had an incredibly full day!  Work has been relentlessly mundane, repetitive and monotonous…  It’s not work that hurts one’s brain, rather the kind of work that causes for me to run from boredom!!!  I also do not enjoy cleaning up after a mess… I am more of a pioneer and creating new ideas and building programs from the ground up rather than working with a fixer upper!

However, when one is dealt ONE hand and only have one deck of cards to work with; then I get to do the best I can with the resources I have…  I get to be adaptable!!!  Other than this, work is work!  I am grateful to have a job… Multitudes of friends around me have lost their jobs with great challenges in securing a new job!

So, the real highlight is getting to go to 2 meetings back to back in the evening to support my two closest friends who were each sharing at separate 12 step meetings.  It was wonderful to see them; know their story; hear the wonderful highlights and be filled with so much gratitude and love for these fellas that I welled up with tears in sharing my gratitude for them!

I had a very very very unexpected surprise and blast from the past!!!  My elementary and high school classmate and long time friend (and at the time rival and competition) Steven Johnson sent me a message via facebook and asked me to be his friend!  He prefaced it with a statement about me hating him when we were younger in elementary and high school…  I remember feeling as if he were competition… He seemed like the perfect example of what a typical american would look like and live like… I think there was a deep sense of envy… He was intelligent, smart, extroverted and very very talented… He sang, was part of all the smart clubs and associations as well as made friends easily… He always made attempts to be my friend…  I can’t imagine why I acted so adversely to being his friend way back when… Again, the only thing I can attribute it to is my prideful asian side feeling competitive and very very very threatened by my perceived greatness about him.  Either way, 25 years or so later, I couldn’t be more grateful to have a reunion after losing touch with each other for so long!!!  I hope to get to catch up with him and hear about his life and what has gone on in the decades we haven’t seen each other!

I will conclude with some thoughts from the two 12 step meetings I attended…

- Regardless of whether I believe the 12 step program works or not; the idea is if I do the work and do what is suggested: go to meetings, be of service, complete the 12 steps… Stay clean and sober, trust God, be of service and clean house…  Then the analogy is very much like being in a barber shop long enough… The end consequence is I will end up with a haircut… Very much the same way with going to the gym… If I hung around there long enough and exercise… Whether I believe that I will get fit or not, the result of taking the action will yield the results of being physically fit… In order for me to stay spiritually fit, there are a series of things I get to do to exercise and flex and grow that my Higher Power and in essence end up spiritually fit!!!

- My Higher Power (God) does not create wreckage and create consequences (negative) for me… My Higher Power only believes and opens a space for love and light!!!  When negative/bad things happen, then it’s because I am blocking the sunlight of the spirit or it has to do with life happening; not God creating some obstacle or punishing me…  Mom died because of her cancer, not God… Dad died from Lou Gerhrig’s disease; God didn’t take my parents away… Rather, God was there to receive them when they made the transition!  Very much the same way with me; if I get into an accident, it’s because someone made a mistake…  God only gives me a different way to live life and have tools to live life on life’s terms!  I get to choose!!!

- Lastly, one of the speakers tonight shared of recovery… Recovery as defined in the Webster’s Dictionary is:  “being in the process of overcoming a disorder or shortcoming <a recovering alcoholic>.”  It doesn’t talk about ascertaining anything… What I personally believe it to be partly is an opportunity to shed those parts that don’t belong to Quoc I get to let go of in order to expose the authentic and true Quoc…  In recovery, it’s more like discovering that part of me when I was much much much younger and not covered in the ugliness that life may have brought into my life and covered all those parts that aren’t Quoc… We get to chip away all the parts that aren’t Quoc to create that perfect and beautiful manifestation called Quoc, a wonderful sober gay healthy mature man!

Cheers,

Quoc

So, the time is 11:13P…  Here is the miracle!!!  I started writing this blog shortly after making dinner for myself and hopping onto facebook in an effort to find yet another means of escaping that which I call “KFCUK.”  Unfortunately, the tuner as well as the volume to this station in my head is more or less broken!!!  Today, my head hasn’t been able to ignore that crazy talk…  It lead me to a shady place, but thankfully didn’t take me anywhere near the really dark scary place that usually leads to relapse… Thank goodness!!!  Well, let’s give you the play by play…  If not for you, this is a great reminder for me as to how sometimes we have bad moments in our days and lives!!!  It’s a natural part of living!!!

Here we go (briefly)…  I have been trying to recuperate from an injury I sustained as a result of going on that darn ride Tatsu at Magic Mountain… My back is stiff from my neck all the way down to my tail bone!  It’s thrown me for a little bit of a loop what with the pain and the limited movements as a result.

Anyway, I have been resting up for the past couple days…  I have used it to sleep and do minimal outdoor activities.  I have limited it literally to 2 lunch dates with a couple friends and then my evening meetings.  Well, this afternoon, my head decided to kick me in the head with the force of a horses hind legs…

I started feeling guilty about not having taken care of the paperwork that I set my goal to do during my time off… I was looking at unfinished laundry and dishes… I was looking at a messy bathroom… I was feeling out of shape, heavy, bloated and ugly…  I started thinking about the last guy I hooked up with and how I haven’t received a correspondence from him to play and how that might be linked to me being out of shape… Then I started just feeling undesirable…

Instead of reaching for the telephone and calling and being of service, I reached for the internet and went on-line for the first time in many many many many months!  I don’t even remember the last time I went on-line?  Could it have been 9 months ago?  I wouldn’t be surprised!  I let myself meander over some of the posting for sex hook ups…  I then placed an ad… I thankfully received no replies and followed up with coming to my senses and deleting the ad…  By that time, it was time for my meeting… THANK GOODNESS!!!

I was feeling ugly, broke, out of shape, and unorganized!!!  Sigh…  The operative from this last statement I made is “feeling.”  Feelings indeed have a beginning middle and end… Thankfully, this time I have no shame in not only sharing about it at a meeting, I am posting it on here on this blog as well as I called a few people and shared honestly about it… I know that these actions were not healthy for me.  I know that the negative self talk I gave myself certainly stemmed from being alone at home for far too many minutes… Then the negative self talk started with focusing only on the negative about the debt I incurred resulting from the car repairs made… Then I thought about barely being able to keep up with the bills without that darn debt… Then I thought about how messy my home is… Sigh…

Instead of springing into action, I was so darn focused on my default mode of just acting out and escapism…  All of these insane actions had nothing to do with wanting to get loaded or needing sex… It was about:

1) Needing to feel financially secure… Which I am… I am making payments and keeping up with my bills… I have a time schedule to have all debt paid off by end of the year…  I am looking for other employment that may lead to more money…

2) Beating myself up for procrastinating and keeping a very messy home… I am doing the best I can and goodness Quoc, I have been in pain because of my back… It’s okay to take a moment and rest up… Things are being taken care of.  Yeah, the paper needs to go and perhaps having the paper around goes deeper than just having clutter around rather than the comfort of having clutter around me… Or perhaps some defense mechanism by creating clutter so that I don’t feel inclined to invite people over to my home…  I get to continue working on this, but realizing this is not a major major problem as my bills and other priorities and deadlines are indeed being met.

3) Feeling incredibly unattractive… This happens on a daily basis where I would feel good looking, then butt ugly, then fat, then healthy…  It’s all relative… Today happens to be a day where I just don’t feel as sexy as usual…. And I didn’t help matters by going on-line to meet people for superficial encounters… Something that wouldn’t lead to anything deeper which is what I really want and also which is also a venue from cyber land where people are looking for fantasies rather than real life intimacy!!!  I put my foot in it by going on the website…  Instead, I am thankful, I followed it up by deleting the website and going to a 12 step meeting and sharing honestly, then came  home to eat and enjoy some real good friendship exchanges on facebook and that literally turned my frownie upside downie!!!

So, there we have it…  The mind of a crazy alcoholic… How quickly I could’ve fallen into the trap of relapse… And it wasn’t even over sex or drugs… However, it was the crazy warped thinking that causes me to want to use a familiar prop that creates for an instantaneous high and pleasurable experience; when in reality, it will lead to destruction and mayhem!  It’s not about the sex… It’s about creating security for myself financially and feeling attractive in more ways than just focusing on the physique!

Good night…  I have lots to do peeps… I am thankful I survived over nine and a half months clean and sober, one day at a time!!!

Cheers,

Quoc

Ah…  Interesting how life’s lessons come full circle if I stay sober and hang around long enough…  It’s been about a year since I met Sean…  I remember falling head over heals for this guy… I think the feelings were mutual…  Reason?  We were both broken and incomplete at some level or other and complemented each other nicely…  We both were madly attracted to each other…

HOWEVER,

I had expectations that Sean who’s boyfriend had recently broken up with him (this is speaking one year ago) was in a stage in his life where he needed a bit of time to explore and date around…  Me, I was done dating and didn’t want to date around and was willing to step into a monogamous relationship…  Was I ready and able?  FAR FROM!!!

CONSEQUENCES?

I put myself through emotional turmoil trying to control Sean and manipulate the situation so that he would stay only with me.  That was not gonna be the case!  I cast aside my sobriety as a priority an was willing to live on “love.”  It felt good as we were a very very very very nice compatible pair as far as the fun scale as well as physically!!!  We really were turned on by each other just by being physically around each other!  It was really really nice!  I wasn’t willing to hear his clear communication that he needed a break from monogamy and wanted to DATE AROUND!!!  Yes, he communicated that with me… I wasn’t willing to hear or see it!  I was being a childish immature baby!!!

Well, of course, I relapsed being so self obsessed and not treating my spiritual malady and clearly not being a whole adult sober man to be present to be with another person and give us a chance to be friends and more…  He tried really hard and wasn’t a bad guy at all…  NOT AT ALL!!!  It was my unrealistic expectations that really skewed and warped my perception of him!  Sigh…  I was a baffled lot then!!!

CONCLUSION…

Why am I writing this now?  Well, isn’t it interesting that about one year ago when I last met him…  I would be in the same shoes as Sean…  I am currently in a place in my life where I feel like a mature whole adult man ready, willing and able to be fully present to discover the nuances and intricacies of dating and making new friends and building possible deeper friendships from that point… 

In doing so, I have been granted an opportunity to practice being completely honest with myself, my sponsor, my support group and learn how to date and get to know other people as friends and deeper…  I am learning the delicate art of when to disclose: my HIV status, my being in recovery, what my wants and needs are; and what my boundaries and limits are.  I am also learning the delicate art of when not to broach the subject of monogamy etc… I learn when is premature to bring up any such subject matters…  I am learning that different people have very very very definitions and timelines as to when monogamy should take place and how that communication takes place…

My most recent debacle with getting to know a new person that I was trying to figure out whether it was a good fit or not really gave me perspective on how I acted around Sean and what he felt and why he reacted the way he did around me.  I was not a vision for you and definitely did not exude the most attractive qualities… I acted insecure, jealous, neurotic, paranoid, needy, angry, demanding, disrespectful, entitled, grandiose, and just IMMATURE!  Who would want to be around someone like me last year?  I wasn’t able to see that about myself…

I got great perspective on that this time around and realize that I owe Sean a huge apology and amends!  It took a year and an experience where I got to kind of be in the other shoe where my current wants and needs are that of a spirit of openness and exploration and wonderment about how fun dating and getting to know another person can be!  And that I don’t have control over how other people act, feel, and behave…  What I do have control over is my own response and attitude toward any given situation. 

Sigh…  I am grateful for this kind of clarity!!!  Sometimes, lessons in life come when we least expect it… Or perhaps, it comes when God knows we are ready to see it for what God wants us to see it so it doesn’t get skewed and warped by my insane mind! 

Just a blurb…. I have to get to applying to other jobs and finishing up some more work and finish off with some prep work for training tomorrow… Then off to beddy bye…

Huggers to you all!!!

Quoc