Quoc’s Web Journal

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I am finding that many of the men that I meet are deeply profound…  Then there are equally as many men who are sooo shallow that I can barely wade in…  Of course since I live in LA, there are just as many who are just plain ol’ profoundly shallow!!!

Of course there would be those sparse few who have that lovely balance of naivete and curiosity for life, but enough experience to make them wise in decision making…

SUFFICE IT TO SAY, life is in full swing with me… I have been grappling with changing the whole nature of this blog as I have recently discovered that what I have been writing has been breaching a time honored tenet and tradition of a spiritual group I belong to… Again, I don’t even know why I am being so cryptic about it when I have been so blatantly open in past entries for many years…

So how does one undo so many years of a time honored tradition of not “promoting” the very spiritual program I am living by sharing my personal experiences?  Expecially when these experiences good and bad hopefully will help inspire or motivate another person to become a better person?  Goodness knows I have been down many paths that don’t work and can share those with you so that you need not go through what I went through.  Guess I get to pray on this as well as ask those who have a lot more time in the group than I do for their guidance…

This is not the main reason why I haven’t blogged folks…  Between, weddings, sailing, helping others, work work work, and just having an incredibly full life I find myself too exhausted to blog as therapeutic as I know it is for me… Sigh…  What is a boy to do!!!

Last blurb is that I have been suffering from some mild grade of circumstantial depression…  Perhaps it’s stress from a lot of work and new responsibilities… Perhaps it’s because I am about a month away from a very important sober anniversary of not having shoved any mind altering substance into my body…  Perhaps it’s because it’ll be 4 years since Mom died this upcoming week…  Perhaps it’s because I have been “slowly” purging my life of the very clutter that is keeping other people away from my home…  IS THERE SUCH A THING AS EXPERIENCING A THIRD LIFE CRISIS?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t have been able to do all this without your unconditional love, support, thoughts and prayers…  May your journey be as interesting as mine is going…

You may reach me via e-mail at quoclam@gmail.com.  I have a blackberry now and able to receive messages and reply very quickly.  I find most correspondences from viewers here asking me about different points of interests like directions to the Hollywood sign… Again, who knows what purpose this blog site serves… Heck, I have been doing this for so long, it’s just become a rather regular part of my life to share those highlights with you…

I strongly support you in finding me in my new hobby and “addiction” facebook…  JUST LOOK UP “QUOC LAM” and friend me.  I think there are few enough Quoc Lam’s on facebook for you to easily find me.  Don’t take it personally if you do request to be a friend and I ask “who the heck” you are as I do truly have over 600 friends I have actually met and know personally!  Very very cool!

Until I check in again… Don’t forget to pause in the pursuit of happiness just to be happy!  See you here, on facebook via e-mail or heaven forbid I get to see you the way that we used to… IN PERSON!!!

Always in love & service,

Quoc

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So, I’ve had an incredibly full day!  Work has been relentlessly mundane, repetitive and monotonous…  It’s not work that hurts one’s brain, rather the kind of work that causes for me to run from boredom!!!  I also do not enjoy cleaning up after a mess… I am more of a pioneer and creating new ideas and building programs from the ground up rather than working with a fixer upper!

However, when one is dealt ONE hand and only have one deck of cards to work with; then I get to do the best I can with the resources I have…  I get to be adaptable!!!  Other than this, work is work!  I am grateful to have a job… Multitudes of friends around me have lost their jobs with great challenges in securing a new job!

So, the real highlight is getting to go to 2 meetings back to back in the evening to support my two closest friends who were each sharing at separate 12 step meetings.  It was wonderful to see them; know their story; hear the wonderful highlights and be filled with so much gratitude and love for these fellas that I welled up with tears in sharing my gratitude for them!

I had a very very very unexpected surprise and blast from the past!!!  My elementary and high school classmate and long time friend (and at the time rival and competition) Steven Johnson sent me a message via facebook and asked me to be his friend!  He prefaced it with a statement about me hating him when we were younger in elementary and high school…  I remember feeling as if he were competition… He seemed like the perfect example of what a typical american would look like and live like… I think there was a deep sense of envy… He was intelligent, smart, extroverted and very very talented… He sang, was part of all the smart clubs and associations as well as made friends easily… He always made attempts to be my friend…  I can’t imagine why I acted so adversely to being his friend way back when… Again, the only thing I can attribute it to is my prideful asian side feeling competitive and very very very threatened by my perceived greatness about him.  Either way, 25 years or so later, I couldn’t be more grateful to have a reunion after losing touch with each other for so long!!!  I hope to get to catch up with him and hear about his life and what has gone on in the decades we haven’t seen each other!

I will conclude with some thoughts from the two 12 step meetings I attended…

- Regardless of whether I believe the 12 step program works or not; the idea is if I do the work and do what is suggested: go to meetings, be of service, complete the 12 steps… Stay clean and sober, trust God, be of service and clean house…  Then the analogy is very much like being in a barber shop long enough… The end consequence is I will end up with a haircut… Very much the same way with going to the gym… If I hung around there long enough and exercise… Whether I believe that I will get fit or not, the result of taking the action will yield the results of being physically fit… In order for me to stay spiritually fit, there are a series of things I get to do to exercise and flex and grow that my Higher Power and in essence end up spiritually fit!!!

- My Higher Power (God) does not create wreckage and create consequences (negative) for me… My Higher Power only believes and opens a space for love and light!!!  When negative/bad things happen, then it’s because I am blocking the sunlight of the spirit or it has to do with life happening; not God creating some obstacle or punishing me…  Mom died because of her cancer, not God… Dad died from Lou Gerhrig’s disease; God didn’t take my parents away… Rather, God was there to receive them when they made the transition!  Very much the same way with me; if I get into an accident, it’s because someone made a mistake…  God only gives me a different way to live life and have tools to live life on life’s terms!  I get to choose!!!

- Lastly, one of the speakers tonight shared of recovery… Recovery as defined in the Webster’s Dictionary is:  “being in the process of overcoming a disorder or shortcoming <a recovering alcoholic>.”  It doesn’t talk about ascertaining anything… What I personally believe it to be partly is an opportunity to shed those parts that don’t belong to Quoc I get to let go of in order to expose the authentic and true Quoc…  In recovery, it’s more like discovering that part of me when I was much much much younger and not covered in the ugliness that life may have brought into my life and covered all those parts that aren’t Quoc… We get to chip away all the parts that aren’t Quoc to create that perfect and beautiful manifestation called Quoc, a wonderful sober gay healthy mature man!

Cheers,

Quoc

Don’t be too alarmed… What I mean is that I am recuperating from being beaten up from my insane, warped, self deprocating and self loathing mind!!!

So, the time is 11:13P…  Here is the miracle!!!  I started writing this blog shortly after making dinner for myself and hopping onto facebook in an effort to find yet another means of escaping that which I call “KFCUK.”  Unfortunately, the tuner as well as the volume to this station in my head is more or less broken!!!  Today, my head hasn’t been able to ignore that crazy talk…  It lead me to a shady place, but thankfully didn’t take me anywhere near the really dark scary place that usually leads to relapse… Thank goodness!!!  Well, let’s give you the play by play…  If not for you, this is a great reminder for me as to how sometimes we have bad moments in our days and lives!!!  It’s a natural part of living!!!

Here we go (briefly)…  I have been trying to recuperate from an injury I sustained as a result of going on that darn ride Tatsu at Magic Mountain… My back is stiff from my neck all the way down to my tail bone!  It’s thrown me for a little bit of a loop what with the pain and the limited movements as a result.

Anyway, I have been resting up for the past couple days…  I have used it to sleep and do minimal outdoor activities.  I have limited it literally to 2 lunch dates with a couple friends and then my evening meetings.  Well, this afternoon, my head decided to kick me in the head with the force of a horses hind legs…

I started feeling guilty about not having taken care of the paperwork that I set my goal to do during my time off… I was looking at unfinished laundry and dishes… I was looking at a messy bathroom… I was feeling out of shape, heavy, bloated and ugly…  I started thinking about the last guy I hooked up with and how I haven’t received a correspondence from him to play and how that might be linked to me being out of shape… Then I started just feeling undesirable…

Instead of reaching for the telephone and calling and being of service, I reached for the internet and went on-line for the first time in many many many many months!  I don’t even remember the last time I went on-line?  Could it have been 9 months ago?  I wouldn’t be surprised!  I let myself meander over some of the posting for sex hook ups…  I then placed an ad… I thankfully received no replies and followed up with coming to my senses and deleting the ad…  By that time, it was time for my meeting… THANK GOODNESS!!!

I was feeling ugly, broke, out of shape, and unorganized!!!  Sigh…  The operative from this last statement I made is “feeling.”  Feelings indeed have a beginning middle and end… Thankfully, this time I have no shame in not only sharing about it at a meeting, I am posting it on here on this blog as well as I called a few people and shared honestly about it… I know that these actions were not healthy for me.  I know that the negative self talk I gave myself certainly stemmed from being alone at home for far too many minutes… Then the negative self talk started with focusing only on the negative about the debt I incurred resulting from the car repairs made… Then I thought about barely being able to keep up with the bills without that darn debt… Then I thought about how messy my home is… Sigh…

Instead of springing into action, I was so darn focused on my default mode of just acting out and escapism…  All of these insane actions had nothing to do with wanting to get loaded or needing sex… It was about:

1) Needing to feel financially secure… Which I am… I am making payments and keeping up with my bills… I have a time schedule to have all debt paid off by end of the year…  I am looking for other employment that may lead to more money…

2) Beating myself up for procrastinating and keeping a very messy home… I am doing the best I can and goodness Quoc, I have been in pain because of my back… It’s okay to take a moment and rest up… Things are being taken care of.  Yeah, the paper needs to go and perhaps having the paper around goes deeper than just having clutter around rather than the comfort of having clutter around me… Or perhaps some defense mechanism by creating clutter so that I don’t feel inclined to invite people over to my home…  I get to continue working on this, but realizing this is not a major major problem as my bills and other priorities and deadlines are indeed being met.

3) Feeling incredibly unattractive… This happens on a daily basis where I would feel good looking, then butt ugly, then fat, then healthy…  It’s all relative… Today happens to be a day where I just don’t feel as sexy as usual…. And I didn’t help matters by going on-line to meet people for superficial encounters… Something that wouldn’t lead to anything deeper which is what I really want and also which is also a venue from cyber land where people are looking for fantasies rather than real life intimacy!!!  I put my foot in it by going on the website…  Instead, I am thankful, I followed it up by deleting the website and going to a 12 step meeting and sharing honestly, then came  home to eat and enjoy some real good friendship exchanges on facebook and that literally turned my frownie upside downie!!!

So, there we have it…  The mind of a crazy alcoholic… How quickly I could’ve fallen into the trap of relapse… And it wasn’t even over sex or drugs… However, it was the crazy warped thinking that causes me to want to use a familiar prop that creates for an instantaneous high and pleasurable experience; when in reality, it will lead to destruction and mayhem!  It’s not about the sex… It’s about creating security for myself financially and feeling attractive in more ways than just focusing on the physique!

Good night…  I have lots to do peeps… I am thankful I survived over nine and a half months clean and sober, one day at a time!!!

Cheers,

Quoc

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Family at Six Flags Magic Mountain (Valencia)

So, I went to my 12 step meeting tonight… We get to read out of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous on a weekly basis…. Tonight, we read out of the chapter that addresses steps 10 & 11!!!  Because I don’t have a lot of time and without going too deep into it… 

Here is what I got out of the meeting as it pertains to the day spent at Magic Mountain with my family…  The Big Book mentions that I will recoil from things that harm me like a hot flame…  That when faced with indecision, I ask for God’s help, then relax and take it easy… I don’t struggle!!!  I do my part and then trust that the results will be taken care of…

Point and case of what NOT to do!!!  I went on Tatsu the crazy dragon ride a few years ago at Magic Mountain and ended up screaming so hard and straining myself so much that I lost my voice and gave myself whiplash and ended up unable to go on any more rides for the rest of the evening…  Unfortunately, I didn’t learn from my lesson from a few years ago!!!  I was reluctant to go on it; however, the ride looked so tempting as we waited in line at the Roaring Rapids ride that I just had to give it another go and train myself not to freak out and tense up to the point where I would end up giving myself whiplash and a major headache again!

I thought I did great on the ride…  I did scream the whole time, but not like last time when I screamed out of sheer terror!  I unfortunately unconsciously tensed up big time and found myself hurting from the neck shooting all the way down to the bottom of my spine!!! MAN!!! 

TWO LESSONS HERE:

1) Learn that I had a bad gut feeling about riding Tatsu again considering my physical health and ability to take the insanity of going on the ride as one does hang from the ride for periods of times!!!  I needed to be in better physical condition to do the ride…  I should have recoiled from this ride like a hot flame!!!

2) Instead of doing my part by enjoying this ride at the amusement park and trusting that the harness and clamps would hold me down and in place; instead, I chose to push and myself up against the seat (consciously or not) that I would end up straining my back muscles all the way from the top of my neck to the bottom of my spine!!!  LOL…  I find it amusing that all I needed to do to truly feel ok on the ride was to do as the Big Book would suggest any life challenging ride I would be on… Trust the process and relax and take it easy and NOT struggle!!!  The TRUTH is if I was truly strong enough and struggled hard enough, the pressure I put on the harness would have broken the harness off; consequently, causing me to fall out of the ride and be hurled in to the air!!!  THE SOLUTION IS TO HAVE FAITH, TRUST THAT I WILL BE TAKEN CARE OF AND SURRENDER AND RELAX.

Instead, I spent all of today, Monday, May 4, 2009 popping Advils, laying back and relaxing and taking it easy so that my back may do it’s work to heal and mend itself!!!  There are many lessons to be learned on so many different levels…  That is for me to get to experience… I would like to share a few pictures with you though from the adventures me and my family had at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, California…

The full album is actually posted in a photo album in my facebook page!!!  Very cool, that was my first facebook album posted!!!  They are brilliant in their ability to allow people to stay in touch and post media so easily!!!  The detriment about facebook is that it has caused me to share most of my feelings and thoughts there and therefore, remove myself from posting on this blog as often…  Either way, please enjoy!

Cheers,

Quoc

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Ah…  Interesting how life’s lessons come full circle if I stay sober and hang around long enough…  It’s been about a year since I met Sean…  I remember falling head over heals for this guy… I think the feelings were mutual…  Reason?  We were both broken and incomplete at some level or other and complemented each other nicely…  We both were madly attracted to each other…

HOWEVER,

I had expectations that Sean who’s boyfriend had recently broken up with him (this is speaking one year ago) was in a stage in his life where he needed a bit of time to explore and date around…  Me, I was done dating and didn’t want to date around and was willing to step into a monogamous relationship…  Was I ready and able?  FAR FROM!!!

CONSEQUENCES?

I put myself through emotional turmoil trying to control Sean and manipulate the situation so that he would stay only with me.  That was not gonna be the case!  I cast aside my sobriety as a priority an was willing to live on “love.”  It felt good as we were a very very very very nice compatible pair as far as the fun scale as well as physically!!!  We really were turned on by each other just by being physically around each other!  It was really really nice!  I wasn’t willing to hear his clear communication that he needed a break from monogamy and wanted to DATE AROUND!!!  Yes, he communicated that with me… I wasn’t willing to hear or see it!  I was being a childish immature baby!!!

Well, of course, I relapsed being so self obsessed and not treating my spiritual malady and clearly not being a whole adult sober man to be present to be with another person and give us a chance to be friends and more…  He tried really hard and wasn’t a bad guy at all…  NOT AT ALL!!!  It was my unrealistic expectations that really skewed and warped my perception of him!  Sigh…  I was a baffled lot then!!!

CONCLUSION…

Why am I writing this now?  Well, isn’t it interesting that about one year ago when I last met him…  I would be in the same shoes as Sean…  I am currently in a place in my life where I feel like a mature whole adult man ready, willing and able to be fully present to discover the nuances and intricacies of dating and making new friends and building possible deeper friendships from that point… 

In doing so, I have been granted an opportunity to practice being completely honest with myself, my sponsor, my support group and learn how to date and get to know other people as friends and deeper…  I am learning the delicate art of when to disclose: my HIV status, my being in recovery, what my wants and needs are; and what my boundaries and limits are.  I am also learning the delicate art of when not to broach the subject of monogamy etc… I learn when is premature to bring up any such subject matters…  I am learning that different people have very very very definitions and timelines as to when monogamy should take place and how that communication takes place…

My most recent debacle with getting to know a new person that I was trying to figure out whether it was a good fit or not really gave me perspective on how I acted around Sean and what he felt and why he reacted the way he did around me.  I was not a vision for you and definitely did not exude the most attractive qualities… I acted insecure, jealous, neurotic, paranoid, needy, angry, demanding, disrespectful, entitled, grandiose, and just IMMATURE!  Who would want to be around someone like me last year?  I wasn’t able to see that about myself…

I got great perspective on that this time around and realize that I owe Sean a huge apology and amends!  It took a year and an experience where I got to kind of be in the other shoe where my current wants and needs are that of a spirit of openness and exploration and wonderment about how fun dating and getting to know another person can be!  And that I don’t have control over how other people act, feel, and behave…  What I do have control over is my own response and attitude toward any given situation. 

Sigh…  I am grateful for this kind of clarity!!!  Sometimes, lessons in life come when we least expect it… Or perhaps, it comes when God knows we are ready to see it for what God wants us to see it so it doesn’t get skewed and warped by my insane mind! 

Just a blurb…. I have to get to applying to other jobs and finishing up some more work and finish off with some prep work for training tomorrow… Then off to beddy bye…

Huggers to you all!!!

Quoc