Quoc’s Web Journal

Hey folks… I know it’s been months… Six months at last check… You can blame the wonderful world of Facebook for taking me away from blogging consistently here…  I am sorry to say that this may be the last blog I write… I love facebook too much…  And some sober anonymous guy made a very very smart remark about how I sound on this blog… Needy, neurotic and attention starved… I don’t know how much truth there is behind it as the very intent of this blog was actually just to stay in touch with a few friends who would even take a moment to look up let alone spell quoc lam correctly!    Instead, somehow through the last 9 years, there has been a following…

Alas I digressed… Remember that smart alec remark made by that sober guy about me being phony?  I can’t help but feel that man is working a much more rigorously honest program than I am as I am standing here on the precipice of my life…  Yeah again… I do recall an entry where I did write this…

So, I am sitting here crying… I have just reasons to be angry, disappointed and feeling like a complete failure… I need no sympathy… This time 7 months ago, I made a decision as a sober man… A conscious decision to take action to act out and put myself in harms way and ended up relapsing… Even my infinitely powerful God who tried to create and place as many God posts and warning signs (literally in the form of running into one person from the program or another) so that I may halt (stands for hungry or in my case “horny” too, angry, lonely and tired) and tell the truth about what is really going on instead of acting out on the lie my head was telling me at the time as a justification to go f*ck it and act out… The idea was that I could go hook up with some guy who was loaded on drugs and me being the almighty spiritual “recovered” man that I was could withstand the temptation of NOT picking up at the sight of it… Suffice it to say, within 30 minutes, I was loaded…

My head told me that this time will be like the past few times…  That I would pick myself back up dust myself off promptly and walk a sober man yet again with another lesson learned… I did not heed the warning signs divinely written in the Big Book… This is a terminal, progressive and fatal illness that no “alcoholic” can ever be cured from… My sobriety and recovery is contingent upon my daily actions to maintain that intimate conscious contact with my Higher Power… I forgot that NO POWER could have relieved me from picking up the mind altering substance… ONLY MY GOD IS POWERFUL enough… I constantly say God willing… God is willing and wanting and wishing me to stay sober, free and happy!!!  I need to reword that and ask is Quoc WILLING to go to any lengths to stay sober one day at a time?  This means to “abandon myself completely to this simple program.”  Simple has not been easy… It’s been incredibly hard… I know that can never be an excuse as there are legions of men and women who are clean and sober today who have had it just as bad or worst than me who walk free men and women who live life on life’s terms… Sober never guaranteed I’d be happy and not experience financial insecurity or my number one pick of the menu… rejection from a man… Men!!!  I can’t live with them and I can’t live with them!!!  And yet, I keep walking back into that stupid trap of thinking some man will fix me… Or rather my fixation on fixing the man will keep me too occupied to relapse… Furthermore, by finding the emotionally and spiritually broken and fixing them… They will validate me and give me purpose in being useful for someone… WRONG!!  I am enabling them and myself…

I forget that in recovery, I get to become emotionally self supporting.. I need not find validation from the outside…  I can find more than enough from within…

Ok… That all sounds very good… I’ve always been very good at talking the talk… Now the track record tells me that I am not walking my talk… I am overwhelmed with fear that God won’t take care of me in moments that I am asked to blindly surrender completely and give it over to God… To just do the work and not have any expectations…  Instead of acting like and adult sober man… I act like a selfish, self-seeking childish immature alcoholic!!! 

Here is the bottom line… EVEN if I don’t work a perfect program…  My current experience tells me that I would rather be a miserable sober alcoholic than a miserable loaded alcoholic… At this point, I stand at the precipice… Why do I say this again?

I just got done doing weeks upon weeks of dishes…  It took me hours to do all the dishes and that is with the help of the dishwasher…

I just got done yesterday doing weeks upon weeks of laundry… I pretty much had run out of clothes to wear…

I have missed out on the most important anniversary of a good friend who’s marriage to his loving wife equaled that to half of his life in his disease… What an honor it is to be asked to show up for that and for my crazy head to prioritize me and my needs over showing up for them…

I have missed the all important and unique graduation for my baby Sister Judy… I just remember the week before Mom died how Judy wore her high school graduation cap and gown to see her before Mom passed away… I remember promising Mom that I would take care of my sisters… I can barely take care of myself…

I have missed enough work and promises to take care of a most important job I have been graced with… I get to be a Trainer in teaching other people to become counselors and save others lives… I can tell you right now, I feel powerless over saving my own life…

I am sitting hear with a mind and body so impacted that I am unable to discern fantasy from reality… Am I being watched, harrassed and monitored by my neighbors?  Is it truly too sensational as EVERYONE else I have tried to share that everyone is too busy to spend any amount of time that I claim to monitor, follow, harrass, and follow me… I honestly don’t even have the answer to this question…

So the ONE question that I get to answer is… AM I SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED?!?!  The answer, I have been sick and tired of being sick and tired… The problem is following through with having smart feet and making it to meetings; growing strong arms to pick up that 2 ton heavy telephone to say hello and “HELP ME,” for being incredibly courageous by raising my hand and telling the TRUTH about what is REALLY GOING ON in my perceived f*cked up life rather than try to be the PTA Mom for recovery!  I don’t need to carry the message all the time… It’s okay for me to share the mess once in awhile… I remember a line I used to say all the time in high school… “THERE IS NO MAN MORE SAD THAN HE WHO LAUGHS TOO MUCH.”  Who knew that I prophesized that man was the one in the mirror…

So, instead of treating my loneiness with isolation… Instead of only getting to look in the mirror and see a grotesque, undesirable, unnattractive, unhealthy, insane, unappreciated and wanted man… I get to go to meetings and see myself through your eyes (mirrors)…  I have yet to be disappointed from anyone in the rooms… I have over 900 friends (I call my brothers and sisters) in recovery… Any one of them who’d be happy and willing to drop everything to help  me as I have done for them…

Instead my arrogant *ss… too prideful to be willing to accept the help… Or rather… too stubborn to admit that MY WAY IS KILLING ME… So, for awhile, I thought the only person I was hurting was myself… I clearly loathe myself enough to not care about that… However, in the recent couple months, I actions I have taken and decisions I have made (or actions not taken and made) have adversely impacted those I care MOST about… I hear them use words like: disappointed, lack of integrity, stop lying, and watch as they set healthy boundaries by not jumping in the ocean to drown with me… Rather to let me know that there is a way out if I want to grab onto a buoy…

I am saddened that I will be ending 9 years of blogging… with this one… Who knows, I may revampt this page back up… Or better yet, turn it into some autobiography… I am sure there are passages that have helped people walk through difficult times… I learned how to do it by reaching one hand out to help another person and reaching the other hand whenever I needed help… If I am busy doing that, I am out of hands to pick up a drink or drug!!!  It’s that simple!!!

Now comes facing fear with courage by showing back up in the rooms and accepting your love, support, tears, and telling me how glad you are to see me back… for demonstrating respect for how powerful this disease is… for making amends and expressing deep apology for the lack of gratitude for the time, love, energy so many of you have volunteered without my need to ask (as I am sure many of you know how proud and stubborn I am) in helping me stay well…

I am not a bad person trying to get good.. I am a very sick man who needs to help to get well… I know what to do…  THE FIRST AND CONSISTENT THING I HAVE BEEN TOLD IS TO PRAY AND ASK GOD FOR WILLINGNESS… TO BE DESPERATE…  I think I am there as I am disgusted in myself right now… I have been living like an animal…

This is a good starting place… No where else to go but up right?  As if I keep going at this rate… The only direction I will be going is 6 feet under the ground… NOT CUTE for this Gaysian, brimming full of love to share with another person… without understanding that I get to learn to share it rather than give it away and deplete my own reserves…

TODAY, I AM A FULL AND WHOLE SOBER MAN WHO GETS TO MAKE THE DECISION OF ACTING LIKE A GRATEFUL, SOBER, WHOLE AND GOOD MAN DESERVING OF THE LOVE THAT MY HIGHER POWER KEEPS SHARING WITH ME and me squinting like a kid and throwing it back in his face…

I will be contacting Brad to negotiate modifying access to this blog or disabling this blog all together… TO THE 23,528 people who have visited, I hope you got something positive out of any of the passages you have read… If nothing at all, I got to normalize the life you live one day at a time… That life IS INDEED NOT PERFECT… But we get to walk through it with grace, love and actually remember to pause in the pursuit of happiness just to be happy…

HUGGERS TO YOU ALL!!!  LOOK ME UP ON FACEBOOK FOR UPDATES ON HOW MY DAG NAB MOST INTERESTING LIFE IS DOING!!!  WITH SOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH LOVE AND A HUGE VILLAGE LIKE Y’ALL SUPPORTING ME, HOW CAN I SINK?  REMEMBER, MY MOM AND DAD PROMISED ME THAT THEY WOULD NOT LEAVE THIS WORLD WITHOUT MAKING SURE THEIR MAMA’S BOY OF A SON WOULD BE TAKEN CARE OF… They knew that being surrounded by a worldwide full of people in recovery who’s PRIMARY PURPOSE IS TO CARRY A MESSAGE OF LOVE, SERVICE AND TOLERANCE… They would leave knowing their son will always have a father (figure), brother, mother, sister, friend to help him if and WHEN he would ask and ACCEPT the help… And when he is having those better moments to reach out and share that immense love he has for his brothers and sisters…

Happy Father’s Day Dad… Thank you for showing me 63 years of dedicating your life to your family despite being ravaged by a gambling addiction… I didn’t understand…  I thought you were a selfish, greedy, disrespectful, arrogant man…  I didn’t realize all you needed was help… I hope you and Mom are having a great time in heaven right now… Please send her a hug and kiss…

Happy Birthday Steve… I couldn’t be more sorry that I loused up a couple years of well… bliss for me… I know all I have been to you is someone just to chill with every now and then…  What I got was God telling me for an instant that I was ready to take the next step in learning more about intimacy and how to express it in a healthy way… God sent you as my Teacher…  I am sorry I lied to you; and as a result, not get to do something incredibly sweet and making you smile (not just with your teeth), but with those incredibly gorgeous big blue sparkling eyes… I hope you have had a great birthday and didn’t get too smashed!!!  I pray that I will get to be in touch with you again…  For what it’s worth you’ve made me a better man…

…  So… folks…  I am going to end the same way I started.. I received this domain: www.quoclam.com from my talented friend from Chicago, Brad Held as a birthday present… August 2001…  Well, suffice it to say, my butt got kicked into a state of reasonableness FOR THE FIRST TIME TO ask for help and ended up in recovery for the first time May 19, 2003…  I think you get to see of of the blogs just before my life implodes upon into itself as my sister dropped my HIV positive, homeless, broke, 102 pound soaking wet crazy ass into the Van Ness Recovery House for help… You will see I disappear for about I think a year as I was indeed working a VERY rigorous program!!!  I took it seriously then!!!  I was like a machine!!!  I finally got around to “reluctantly” blog as my life was incredibly full between meetings everyday and working a full time job… This is without a CAR!!!  That’s like insane in LA!  I did it for 2 years!!!    Perhaps that is what I need to do again to get grateful!  Just park my car and take the bus to work and to meetings…   I had lost touch with 30 of my closest friends who were worried sick when I went into recovery… I finally emerged and our lives had changed… Some moved, others got sooo busy that a phone call was difficult to make… So,  guess what?  I started blogging for their benefit to keep them up to date with my life… Literally, I would get about 3 hits a week or about 10 hits a month!!!  LOL… Who knew that over the years that some of the words I was only sharing with close friends was being read by others… You wrote comments on who you accidently found my site and found it intriguing… LOL… Suffice it to say, for those of you who have followed, I wrote some of my deepest and darkest moments… At the same time, there are the most happy and joyous moments shared that are documented… 

Come to think of it, perhaps I need to go back and read my own blog… Perhaps I have forgotten what it was like… What happened when I started getting willing and what my life blossomed into and how I was able to overcome incredible moments of despair… AND STAY AWAY FROM MIND ALTERING SUBSTANCES… 

My friends remind me that I have not lost all my experiences… I just lost the continuous sobriety… I still have the wisdom and experience from years of working a great program…  I just have to step it up a few more notches!!!

Ok… I have to really go all… Sorry to leaving you all hanging like this…

FIND ME ON FACEBOOK…

Always in love and service,

Quoc Lam

Quoclam@gmail.com

HUGGERS!!!!!

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What a year it has been aye?  As a matter of fact, what a wild past few weeks it has been… Suffice it to say, my life continues to get bigger and bigger…  There are days when I wonder how am I going to attend to all the wonderful things that are happening in my life… The nice thing is that it all takes care of itself…

So, I was going to keep this blog entry private and type it in a word document for my own personal reference… But I was thinking, yet again, if another can benefit from my own personal trials, tribulations and lessons learned from these experiences… Wouldn’t it be of great benefit by sharing it?

Tomorrow morning, I get to be a speaker to share some of my experience strength and hope regarding the spiritual journey I continue to lead…  Needless to say, my head has been spinning just a little trying to jog up talking points that would enlighten, inspire and add to the tool box of others and for myself in my share…  I thought I would free write this here and impart them with you… Hopefully tomorrow, I will be able to put it all together into some cohesive stream of thought…

So here goes some of the highlights…

- In speaking, all I ask is that I am a “channel of Thy peace.”  Not of thy insanity or thy problems or thy chaos…. I only hope to carry a message of experience and hope as a victory for the spiritual program I am a part of.

- My gift of spirituality and serenity (soundness of mind) in consideration of the fact that without spiritual treatment, I am a “deranged” person… On page 145 in the spiritual reference book I use… It says that “The greatest enemies to those who have a “spiritual malady” are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration and fear.  There in lies the answer to the difference between God’s will and my will…  When I am in self will, I am acting with a foundation of resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration and fear… God’s will is full of serenity and simplicity!

- I need remind myself to do God’s WORK rather than to do God’s JOB!!!  God does NOT need me to do his/her/it’s job!!!  What my God needs me to do is his/her/it’s work in carrying a message of love, tolerance, mercy, patience in all affairs of my life…

- I need to STOP questioning and doubting God when my Higher Power feels that I am ready to experience and learn about certain things… Example – I have been praying to learn how to date and learn intimacy and develop skills in romantic relationships with others.  My Higher Power feels that I other aspects of my life: finances, employment, family, and friendship are being managed well enough to where I GET TO NOW EXPERIENCE AND GR”OW” (gr”ow”th is just the word “ow” with a couple of letters on each side) and learn about me in the dating relationship I get to have with S****.  I have been experiencing lots of pain that have been self-inflicted…  I forget to give thanks to my Higher Power for appreciating that this Student named Quoc is ready for a Teacher named S**** to show up in his life to teach Quoc and help Quoc work on his defects of character in intimate relationships and replace them with character assets…  I have been jealous, controlling, neurotic, obsessive, insecure, resentful, frustrated, fearful in the past weeks and year with S****…  I am sure all these characteristics are incredibly sexy and attract another person… LOL… The nice thing is that I can’t be botching this up that bad as we are still hanging out…  I get to learn that relationships and dating and intimacy and commitment have sooo many different meanings… Being with S**** has challenged sooo many nuances of my life and beliefs that I have been brought up with and values that I thought were written in stone… Instead, I am learning that different people have different understandings and beliefs and values of intimacy, commitment and what a relationship looks like… AND NO ONE ANSWER IS THE RIGHT ANSWER!  I do NOT get to impose my values upon another…  When that happens, I experience not only resistance from another, I experience resistance and loss of serenity within my own self…  My deranged and warped mind thinks and interprets what I have with S**** as anything but healthy, when in reality, if one were to look at what I share with S****, it is incredibly healthy!  We hang out and go to parties and movies and trips to watch meteor showers… We get to have amazing sex as two consenting adults… We get to share our thoughts and opinions of the mundane and whatever else goes on in life outside of what we share with each other… Sure, I WANT to microwave this relationship and make it go faster… Sure I WANT to give this relationship a label and call him a “boyfriend.”  Sure I WANT to keep this relationship “monogamous” (which this one word has sooo many different meanings) between the two of us… HOWEVER, there are two parties in this relationship and there needs to be a shared agreement on what works and what doesn’t…  I am learning to be a team player and a partner in this relationship and think of both our best interests rather than just wanting what I want, when I want it and how I want it regardless of the consequences to anyone else!  HOW SELFISH!!!  So, I get to have these thoughts and wants… What I get to do also is appreciate that what I want is not what this RELATIONSHIP NEEDS.  I never had a deep understanding of “good is the enemy of the best.”  That if I personally feel that what I have with S**** is “good” but know that the “best” is available… By not willing to let go of the “good” and continuing to nurse on the “good” and staying fearful that things won’t get any better than what I have or fear of letting go of this imperfect security blanket, that I will lose it all… I am preventing an opportunity for the “best” relationship from blossoming… What do I do about this???  STAY IN THE FRIGGIN’ MOMENT… It’s like me complaining about the long line to get a parking space at Disneyland… And half the day has gone by… In nursing on that moment that occurred the morning of, I have lost all apprecation and joy from getting to enjoy all that which is happening in each “present” moment!!!  So, when I am with S**** am I resentful by nursing on past wrongs?  By being jealous and fearful, am I nursing on a future that has NOT occurred yet?  In placing one foot in the past and one foot in the future, I am peeing and pooing all over the present!!!  What I GET TO DO IS remember where both feet are… In the present… Am I living and experiencing those moments shared with S**** and not going beyond that?  Can I not trust that the reason he is still there is because he DOES appreciate the full package of what I have to offer?  These are some of the things I need to remember in what I am experiencing… Also, it was only about 1+ year ago, that I thought my life would collapse into itself if I wasn’t in a relationship with a man named S*** (4 letters and not 5 letters)… Instead, in this given moment today, I get to share something incredibly special with a guy named S****(5 letters)…  This proves that God knows what is best for me and has my best interest in mind at all times… Just because I see only dark clouds, doesn’t mean the sun is not there… So, am I willing to surrender control of what I think is best for me and for others and continue to work a spiritual program of acting for the best interest of both parties vs. just thinking for my own self serving purposes? Bottom line is when I complain that dating sucks… Is the truth that I suck at dating?!  And if I suck at dating, then I doesn’t that mean I don’t know what’s best for me and those I get to date?  If that is the case, shouldn’t I be open to different ideas of what a successful date looks like? 

- I will probably share about this “gift” that I have is like receiving a gift of a car…  A gift needs to be maintained…  If I just take the gift of a car and drive it for 20,000 – 50,000 miles without changing the oils, getting tune ups and inflating the tires etc… and maintaining this gift… Guess what?  I shouldn’t be surprised when the gift breaks down or becomes useless!!!  I must do the same thing in maintaining my spiritual fitness…  As someone with a spiritual malady, I must continue to take action in maintaining spiritual fitness… If I don’t, then it no longer works!!!  It’ just that simple!

- I will probably share about what someone else said just a couple weeks ago…  That as a result of doing the work in maintaining a spiritually fit life, his life is “unbelievably blessed.”  That because he set his fantasies to the side, it allowed all his dreams to come true…  I have a tendency of forgetting how good life is today as a result of the work I am doing to stay spiritually fit.  In comparson to just 6 years ago, my life is indeed unbelievably richer than it was… In comparison to just 1 year ago…  My life is indeed unbelievably blessed!!!

- I need to continue to make affirmations as there is one that was very recently shared with me… Quoc, whether you think you can or you think you cannot, YOU’LL ALWAYS BE RIGHT!  So, am I affirming a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure or one of success and serenity, harmony and joy?

- I forget to be grateful for the simple things… 

I want to own a brand new BMW, when I forget to be grateful to have a car that runs well

I want to own a big house, when I should be grateful to have the means of paying for my own space that keeps me warm, safe, secure and creates sanctuary for me…

I don’t want to be HIV positive, when I forget that I am incredibly healthy and have life saving meds available to me that help me maintain an incredibly healthy life

I want to have a boyfriend, when I am incredibly blessed with a group of people who fulfill those aspects of my life I need such as laughter; intellectual, spiritual and emotional intimacy; opportunity to have fun with people and go to movies and dinner with… And oh wait, I am seeing someone who is incredibly sexy, successful, and reciprocates the appreciation I have for him…  I do have a wealth of friends and intimacy; the crazy thing is if I listen long enough to my thinking, it will convince me that I am alone, unwanted, unnecessary and unloveable!!!  CRAZY RIGHT?!!!

I want to have a better paying job, when I forget to be grateful for the fact that I have a job I am good at, love to do, and blessed to be paid to be of service to others and help save lives…. And eventhough I am not making a whole bunch of money, I am paid pretty well for what I do…  The bottom line is… How grateful should I be to just have a job in this economy?

In conclusion, I pray for all of us in 2010 when we get into those moods of I am not getting what I want… Am I taking a moment to ask one question… Am I getting everything I need?  That what I want may not necessarily be good for me or others.  I offer to my Higher Power complete abandon and trust that whatever is going to happen in the next year is EXACTLY what supposed to happen to help me or others… God makes no mistakes… God has no grandkids; God only has kids… So when I complain about you and how you are a mistake, I am telling God that he made a mistake… That is arrogant and I then take on the role of doing God’s Job verses doing God’s Work.

This is in gratitude for an amazing 2009 and I raise my sparkling non-alcoholic apple cider to all of you everyday in 2010 to be filled with excitement for the unpredictable and unknown in helping us grow spiritually. 

Always in love and service,

Quoc

17,217

Just a blurb… This is my facebook update tonight at 11:10P:

“Quoc Lam’s heart aches in the most wonderful way… The ache is because I care for someone… This is what my spiritual malady worked so hard to destroy… I claim this as a victory for the work I’ve put into recover this and your unconditional love to experience it…  Today I am aching deeply and deeply grateful for it.”

My update earlier in the day was of me “learning the rules of engagement for dating, intimacy and just romance.. Ugh!!!  Seems as if everyone write their own book…  I am sooo confused…  Blargh!!!  I am glad to learn how to do this… I am 34 and barely learning to date in a healthy way…”

Again, I couldn’t be more grateful to have these intense feelings and have a host of friends I get to fall back on to help me… My friends have supported me unconditionally to walk with integrity and to reinforce the wonderful tools I have… My friend Joe reminded me just to be myself and claim my authentic self and share that with others… If others do not/cannot appreciate what I have to offer, then they clearly are not deserving of the love/care and support that I have to offer…  I just can’t help but feel sad that a year and half relationship I have unofficially had with this guy may just come to a crashing halt because I stirred the pot by expressing interest in taking it to the next level…

Sigh… Dating is sooo interesting and complicated!!!

Quoc

17,132

I am too tired to write full recount of all that has taken place this past weekend, but suffice it to say, things could have turned out very very very good or horribly wrong…  I am lucky to be graced with the very good despite my intentions to sabotage…  Here are some highlights:

1) Saturday evening, 11/21 went to “The Edison” for snack and drinks…  This was with co-workers… It was supposed to be a birthday dinner with reservation, but that didn’t pan out… Still had fun as we went to China Bistro after…  The bar is very very chic!

2) Sunday up to take my spiritual mentee to Gladstone’s in Malibu, followed by a trip to the Grove to buy tickets early to see 2012 with my bud I went to see the Leonids with as well as Star Wars in Concert…  I napped for the rest of the afternoon

3) Went to my spiritual meeting from 6P – 7:30P… It was a fun and full meeting!  I got to sit next to my best bud…

4) I drove over to my bud’s place and picked him up then over to Grove for the movie night… We messed around in the car of the parking lot followed by a quick dinner at Cheesecake Factory, then the movie…  Here are the highlights of this evening:

 a) I stepped on a pile of poo!!!  Ew!!!

 b) I wanted it to be a date, but worried to call it a date…  I treated it as if it wasn’t eventhough we held hands, made out, had movie and dinner… LOL…  It was walking back to the car from the movie when my bud mentioned that he didn’t bring his cell phone because that he never does when he’s on a date… He treated Star Wars as well as the Leonids as date nights… Hmmm…  I was shocked to hear him first share that he considered tonight a date…  Next that he was worried all day long about our date tonight… Awe… That hopefully means he likes me and wants me to like him too!

 c) I learned that bringing a cell phone to a date is poor dating etiquette… I shouldn’t have told my date that he smelled like “gardenia” flowers as it was a cologne he was very proud of…  I should’ve just assumed that he wanted to date me as much as I wanted to ask him out on a date!

Lastly, here is the part that is grace as my perception since the night with the Leonids went sooo poorly in my mind…  I was hoping for more, but was convinced it wasn’t going anywhere as I thought he was happy with what we had, just sex…  I was sooo convinced that I had given up on the idea that anything would come of this… I almost ended up relapsing with some superficial schmuck… Thank goodness I didn’t follow through…

This could have been a remake of my date with Sean 1.5 years ago!  Where I got loaded the night before and destroyed any opportunity for something wonderful…  I came just that close last night and could’ve thrown everything away again… I couldn’t be more grateful, I have smart feet and didn’t allow my very very smart brain to try to take over and tell me what is best! 

Time for sleepy… I am incredibly grateful right now…

Q

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Sooo… It’s Saturday evening, November 21, 2009… I just got home from a voluntary additional work day…  I am laying on the cool tiled kitchen floor of my studio… I just cracked open a can of Fancy Feast “Turkey and Giblets Dinner” for my cat…  I am on my stomach with my right cheek hugging the cool tiled floor… I am about 3 inches from my cat watching him eat…  I’ve always been a nerd like that; intrigued by little idiosyncrasies like how cat’s eat… I watched as the mouth and tongue worked in tandem with each other to lap up the food and swallow it down… I never realized that cats don’t have molars; consequently, they don’t chew… They swallow…  I watched as he impatiently bit chunks of the pate meal in his bowl; clearly he wasn’t lapping up his food quickly enough…  If one didn’t know how well I feed this cat, you’d think he’d been starving for days!  LOL… If you take a look at him though, his low hanging belly shows how well fed this cat is…  He glanced over at me just a few time; his focus and attention was on the feast that sat before him…

As he filled his stomach to the point of satiation, leaving just a few morsels left for later to snack on, he turned towards me licking incessantly to the left and right of his face and whiskers to clean off the scraps that were stuck onto him…  He meowed a couple times… I hear his little purring engine rumble… I turn onto my stomach with my head propped up against the refrigerator door; the door is a very poor choice for a pillow…  He climbs on top of my belly and waits for me to pet him… He knows me too well, that I wouldn’t be able to resist stroking his soft thick coat of fur; that my will would buckle under his loving and inviting purrs and his little wimpering meows communicating to me how much he appreciates what I am doing for him… He doesn’t like looking at my in close proximity for any lengthy period of time…  As a matter of fact, most of the time, when he is sitting on my belly/chest while I pet him, he is turned away… I try to block his tails swaying back and forth… His fuzzy medium haired tail smacks my face as he continues to enjoy the long slow strokes up and down his back…

BK tells me when he is ready to be pet and when he is done… With a final couple purrs and a curt little meow, he jumps off me and with a very proud swagger, walks away from me… LOL… I can’t help but love my cat…

I had a little moment spending this time with my cat…  It started as my request for an additional Staff Member for work to support my program was challenged with a request for further justification as to why I needed another Staff… Goodness, the fact that I am working on Saturday and that it’s my 7th day in a row at work; doesn’t that say something about the amount of work this program calls for to be run successfully?  Sigh…  I drove home huffing and puffing with indignation and confusion as to why my request was turned down… Suffice it to say, I talked myself down from the angry emotional ledge…

Furthermore, halfway home, I found myself wondering why my mind is still at work when I am NOT AT WORK!!!  Yes, part of the reason why I am spending time at work is because I care about the work I do and the program I manage; furthermore, I do indeed enjoy the work I do!!!  I get paid to be of service and build amazing karma points!!!  The work I do enhances the quality of life for those touched by my teachings… I am very very humbled and honored to get to have the job I have…  I kept reminding myself that the other part of being a good Manager and a role model of an employee is to not bring work home with me; to remind myself that life is not about work, work, work… That “working” on taking care of myself is just as important as it will help me recuperate and rejuvenate for the new day that welcomes me at work…  I worked very hard constantly redirecting myself away from work each time my mind started weaving back to thinking about work…  I thought about going home to my cat and cleaning up my home some more and making a warm and loving home that is at least as inviting as coming home to a comfy hotel room…  I thought of being greeted by my cat… I thought of the wonderful meal I was gonna get to enjoy with friends tonight at a fancy restaurant in Downtown Los Angeles… I thought about the wonderful drive I was taking home in the crisp cool evening air outside of the car and how nice it felt on my legs as it was met with the constant warm breeze blowing from the car heater…  A PERFECT COMBINATION…

So, what does this have anything to do with the title of today’s blog?  Back to me laying on the kitchen floor as my cat walked away… I thought about what my cat needed for him to be happy…  I imagined myself in his thick coat of fluffy fur… BK needs the following to be happy:

- a home that is familiar enough for him to feel safe, but spacious enough for him to explore and quench is innate curiosity

- delicious and tasty food that fills his belly

- someone (in my cat’s case, anyone) that is very loving and provides him with lots of attention and care and appreciation… verbally, physically and emotionally

- plenty of opportunities to play and explore the the world he lives in no matter how small it is… He manages to find new ways to appreciate and play with in the mundane and familiar home he’s lived in for the past 6 months

- and of course sleepy time… For him to sleep so soundly, he must have deep serenity (soundness of mind)…

My cat teaches me the lesson of wanting the things I have and appreciating those things that I own today; rather than taking them for granted and continuing to yearn and want more and more and sit on the perch of entitlement…  When I look at a glass half filled with water… Do I see it as:

- Half empty

- Half full of water

- Half full of sustaining water and half full of life giving air

Depending on how I see things is directly proportional to my level of happiness…  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh… It’s nice to find a moment in my incredibly rich and busy life to pause and do what I’ve loved for sooo long, blog in this journal… For 9 years now, I have maintained this blog… With a busier life and my sister introducing me to facebook matched with the convenience of accessing facebook and status updates on my blackberry, I have become more and more removed from blogging… It’s not that I don’t have time to sit down and blog eventhough I know there is a degree of truth to how much more busy my life has become; rather, the priorities have finally changed…

Those very dreams that I had of living a life rich enough that I wouldn’t have time to document it on a daily basis is here… My life is filled with miracles happening constantly and I have chosen to say yes to almost every moment I have been dealt and blessed with…  The desire to travel more often on the job is now coming true as my job is allowing me to do more and more traveling and mixing up the bag of routine of being stuck in the office all the time… Getting to live up my name as “To Unify and oversee a country” by teaching people counseling skills in communicating with others in a non-judgemental, culturally sensitive way and providing health education and harm reduction approaches via motivational interviewing techniques and application of transtheoretical models of behavior change does indeed allow me to help make this world a better place one training at a time… I am in a place where I stand more proud and comfortable than ever as a healthy, HIV positive, Gay, Asian-American, sober man who has sooo much to contribute to the world is by this very statement a miracle in the making…

These are but a few thoughts that freely flow out of me as I sit here momentarily in pause of the pursuit of happiness to acknowledge how truly blessed and happy I am…  I wish you all the continued opportunity to explore and navigate life and grow with each passing day…  I wish you all happy thanksgivings and hope that you have many thanks for the blessings we have in life…

Many thanksgivings for my blessed life,

Quoc Lam

quoclam@gmail.com

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Today is yet another sad day as 53% of State of Maine voted to RAPE the CIVIL RIGHTS from recognition of same sex marriage and all rights there in.  This is after Legislatures AND the Governor of Maine signed into law the fundamental right for someone like myself to be able to marry the person I love (which would so happen to be a man!) and be able to provide for and receive health benefits and SIMPLE benefits like… say, if I got hospitalized, my partner would NOT be recognized as a “member of the family” and wouldn’t be able to make decisions on my behalf if I were unable to!

It’s just tragic that over a couple hundred years ago, even one of our Founding Fathers of this nation, Thomas Jefferson stated:

“All too, will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will to be rightful must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal law must protect, and to violate would be oppression.”

Funny how the ideas of those who drafted these very constitutional rights knew what Civil Rights CANNOT be impinged upon…  Today, the nation spoke loud and it screams that we are condoning hate, bigotry, and free will to violenty rape and strip certain people of civil rights.

… Today is yet another sad day…  In this given moment, I am sure our loving God is ashamed of those who claim to speak out on his behalf to practice oppression!!!

These are not personal liberties.  These are human rights!!!

Proud Gay Man who will continue to fight against H8,

Quoc