Quoc’s Web Journal

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What a year it has been aye?  As a matter of fact, what a wild past few weeks it has been… Suffice it to say, my life continues to get bigger and bigger…  There are days when I wonder how am I going to attend to all the wonderful things that are happening in my life… The nice thing is that it all takes care of itself…

So, I was going to keep this blog entry private and type it in a word document for my own personal reference… But I was thinking, yet again, if another can benefit from my own personal trials, tribulations and lessons learned from these experiences… Wouldn’t it be of great benefit by sharing it?

Tomorrow morning, I get to be a speaker to share some of my experience strength and hope regarding the spiritual journey I continue to lead…  Needless to say, my head has been spinning just a little trying to jog up talking points that would enlighten, inspire and add to the tool box of others and for myself in my share…  I thought I would free write this here and impart them with you… Hopefully tomorrow, I will be able to put it all together into some cohesive stream of thought…

So here goes some of the highlights…

- In speaking, all I ask is that I am a “channel of Thy peace.”  Not of thy insanity or thy problems or thy chaos…. I only hope to carry a message of experience and hope as a victory for the spiritual program I am a part of.

- My gift of spirituality and serenity (soundness of mind) in consideration of the fact that without spiritual treatment, I am a “deranged” person… On page 145 in the spiritual reference book I use… It says that “The greatest enemies to those who have a “spiritual malady” are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration and fear.  There in lies the answer to the difference between God’s will and my will…  When I am in self will, I am acting with a foundation of resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration and fear… God’s will is full of serenity and simplicity!

- I need remind myself to do God’s WORK rather than to do God’s JOB!!!  God does NOT need me to do his/her/it’s job!!!  What my God needs me to do is his/her/it’s work in carrying a message of love, tolerance, mercy, patience in all affairs of my life…

- I need to STOP questioning and doubting God when my Higher Power feels that I am ready to experience and learn about certain things… Example – I have been praying to learn how to date and learn intimacy and develop skills in romantic relationships with others.  My Higher Power feels that I other aspects of my life: finances, employment, family, and friendship are being managed well enough to where I GET TO NOW EXPERIENCE AND GR”OW” (gr”ow”th is just the word “ow” with a couple of letters on each side) and learn about me in the dating relationship I get to have with S****.  I have been experiencing lots of pain that have been self-inflicted…  I forget to give thanks to my Higher Power for appreciating that this Student named Quoc is ready for a Teacher named S**** to show up in his life to teach Quoc and help Quoc work on his defects of character in intimate relationships and replace them with character assets…  I have been jealous, controlling, neurotic, obsessive, insecure, resentful, frustrated, fearful in the past weeks and year with S****…  I am sure all these characteristics are incredibly sexy and attract another person… LOL… The nice thing is that I can’t be botching this up that bad as we are still hanging out…  I get to learn that relationships and dating and intimacy and commitment have sooo many different meanings… Being with S**** has challenged sooo many nuances of my life and beliefs that I have been brought up with and values that I thought were written in stone… Instead, I am learning that different people have different understandings and beliefs and values of intimacy, commitment and what a relationship looks like… AND NO ONE ANSWER IS THE RIGHT ANSWER!  I do NOT get to impose my values upon another…  When that happens, I experience not only resistance from another, I experience resistance and loss of serenity within my own self…  My deranged and warped mind thinks and interprets what I have with S**** as anything but healthy, when in reality, if one were to look at what I share with S****, it is incredibly healthy!  We hang out and go to parties and movies and trips to watch meteor showers… We get to have amazing sex as two consenting adults… We get to share our thoughts and opinions of the mundane and whatever else goes on in life outside of what we share with each other… Sure, I WANT to microwave this relationship and make it go faster… Sure I WANT to give this relationship a label and call him a “boyfriend.”  Sure I WANT to keep this relationship “monogamous” (which this one word has sooo many different meanings) between the two of us… HOWEVER, there are two parties in this relationship and there needs to be a shared agreement on what works and what doesn’t…  I am learning to be a team player and a partner in this relationship and think of both our best interests rather than just wanting what I want, when I want it and how I want it regardless of the consequences to anyone else!  HOW SELFISH!!!  So, I get to have these thoughts and wants… What I get to do also is appreciate that what I want is not what this RELATIONSHIP NEEDS.  I never had a deep understanding of “good is the enemy of the best.”  That if I personally feel that what I have with S**** is “good” but know that the “best” is available… By not willing to let go of the “good” and continuing to nurse on the “good” and staying fearful that things won’t get any better than what I have or fear of letting go of this imperfect security blanket, that I will lose it all… I am preventing an opportunity for the “best” relationship from blossoming… What do I do about this???  STAY IN THE FRIGGIN’ MOMENT… It’s like me complaining about the long line to get a parking space at Disneyland… And half the day has gone by… In nursing on that moment that occurred the morning of, I have lost all apprecation and joy from getting to enjoy all that which is happening in each “present” moment!!!  So, when I am with S**** am I resentful by nursing on past wrongs?  By being jealous and fearful, am I nursing on a future that has NOT occurred yet?  In placing one foot in the past and one foot in the future, I am peeing and pooing all over the present!!!  What I GET TO DO IS remember where both feet are… In the present… Am I living and experiencing those moments shared with S**** and not going beyond that?  Can I not trust that the reason he is still there is because he DOES appreciate the full package of what I have to offer?  These are some of the things I need to remember in what I am experiencing… Also, it was only about 1+ year ago, that I thought my life would collapse into itself if I wasn’t in a relationship with a man named S*** (4 letters and not 5 letters)… Instead, in this given moment today, I get to share something incredibly special with a guy named S****(5 letters)…  This proves that God knows what is best for me and has my best interest in mind at all times… Just because I see only dark clouds, doesn’t mean the sun is not there… So, am I willing to surrender control of what I think is best for me and for others and continue to work a spiritual program of acting for the best interest of both parties vs. just thinking for my own self serving purposes? Bottom line is when I complain that dating sucks… Is the truth that I suck at dating?!  And if I suck at dating, then I doesn’t that mean I don’t know what’s best for me and those I get to date?  If that is the case, shouldn’t I be open to different ideas of what a successful date looks like? 

- I will probably share about this “gift” that I have is like receiving a gift of a car…  A gift needs to be maintained…  If I just take the gift of a car and drive it for 20,000 – 50,000 miles without changing the oils, getting tune ups and inflating the tires etc… and maintaining this gift… Guess what?  I shouldn’t be surprised when the gift breaks down or becomes useless!!!  I must do the same thing in maintaining my spiritual fitness…  As someone with a spiritual malady, I must continue to take action in maintaining spiritual fitness… If I don’t, then it no longer works!!!  It’ just that simple!

- I will probably share about what someone else said just a couple weeks ago…  That as a result of doing the work in maintaining a spiritually fit life, his life is “unbelievably blessed.”  That because he set his fantasies to the side, it allowed all his dreams to come true…  I have a tendency of forgetting how good life is today as a result of the work I am doing to stay spiritually fit.  In comparson to just 6 years ago, my life is indeed unbelievably richer than it was… In comparison to just 1 year ago…  My life is indeed unbelievably blessed!!!

- I need to continue to make affirmations as there is one that was very recently shared with me… Quoc, whether you think you can or you think you cannot, YOU’LL ALWAYS BE RIGHT!  So, am I affirming a self-fulfilling prophecy of failure or one of success and serenity, harmony and joy?

- I forget to be grateful for the simple things… 

I want to own a brand new BMW, when I forget to be grateful to have a car that runs well

I want to own a big house, when I should be grateful to have the means of paying for my own space that keeps me warm, safe, secure and creates sanctuary for me…

I don’t want to be HIV positive, when I forget that I am incredibly healthy and have life saving meds available to me that help me maintain an incredibly healthy life

I want to have a boyfriend, when I am incredibly blessed with a group of people who fulfill those aspects of my life I need such as laughter; intellectual, spiritual and emotional intimacy; opportunity to have fun with people and go to movies and dinner with… And oh wait, I am seeing someone who is incredibly sexy, successful, and reciprocates the appreciation I have for him…  I do have a wealth of friends and intimacy; the crazy thing is if I listen long enough to my thinking, it will convince me that I am alone, unwanted, unnecessary and unloveable!!!  CRAZY RIGHT?!!!

I want to have a better paying job, when I forget to be grateful for the fact that I have a job I am good at, love to do, and blessed to be paid to be of service to others and help save lives…. And eventhough I am not making a whole bunch of money, I am paid pretty well for what I do…  The bottom line is… How grateful should I be to just have a job in this economy?

In conclusion, I pray for all of us in 2010 when we get into those moods of I am not getting what I want… Am I taking a moment to ask one question… Am I getting everything I need?  That what I want may not necessarily be good for me or others.  I offer to my Higher Power complete abandon and trust that whatever is going to happen in the next year is EXACTLY what supposed to happen to help me or others… God makes no mistakes… God has no grandkids; God only has kids… So when I complain about you and how you are a mistake, I am telling God that he made a mistake… That is arrogant and I then take on the role of doing God’s Job verses doing God’s Work.

This is in gratitude for an amazing 2009 and I raise my sparkling non-alcoholic apple cider to all of you everyday in 2010 to be filled with excitement for the unpredictable and unknown in helping us grow spiritually. 

Always in love and service,

Quoc

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Just a blurb… This is my facebook update tonight at 11:10P:

“Quoc Lam’s heart aches in the most wonderful way… The ache is because I care for someone… This is what my spiritual malady worked so hard to destroy… I claim this as a victory for the work I’ve put into recover this and your unconditional love to experience it…  Today I am aching deeply and deeply grateful for it.”

My update earlier in the day was of me “learning the rules of engagement for dating, intimacy and just romance.. Ugh!!!  Seems as if everyone write their own book…  I am sooo confused…  Blargh!!!  I am glad to learn how to do this… I am 34 and barely learning to date in a healthy way…”

Again, I couldn’t be more grateful to have these intense feelings and have a host of friends I get to fall back on to help me… My friends have supported me unconditionally to walk with integrity and to reinforce the wonderful tools I have… My friend Joe reminded me just to be myself and claim my authentic self and share that with others… If others do not/cannot appreciate what I have to offer, then they clearly are not deserving of the love/care and support that I have to offer…  I just can’t help but feel sad that a year and half relationship I have unofficially had with this guy may just come to a crashing halt because I stirred the pot by expressing interest in taking it to the next level…

Sigh… Dating is sooo interesting and complicated!!!

Quoc

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I am too tired to write full recount of all that has taken place this past weekend, but suffice it to say, things could have turned out very very very good or horribly wrong…  I am lucky to be graced with the very good despite my intentions to sabotage…  Here are some highlights:

1) Saturday evening, 11/21 went to “The Edison” for snack and drinks…  This was with co-workers… It was supposed to be a birthday dinner with reservation, but that didn’t pan out… Still had fun as we went to China Bistro after…  The bar is very very chic!

2) Sunday up to take my spiritual mentee to Gladstone’s in Malibu, followed by a trip to the Grove to buy tickets early to see 2012 with my bud I went to see the Leonids with as well as Star Wars in Concert…  I napped for the rest of the afternoon

3) Went to my spiritual meeting from 6P – 7:30P… It was a fun and full meeting!  I got to sit next to my best bud…

4) I drove over to my bud’s place and picked him up then over to Grove for the movie night… We messed around in the car of the parking lot followed by a quick dinner at Cheesecake Factory, then the movie…  Here are the highlights of this evening:

 a) I stepped on a pile of poo!!!  Ew!!!

 b) I wanted it to be a date, but worried to call it a date…  I treated it as if it wasn’t eventhough we held hands, made out, had movie and dinner… LOL…  It was walking back to the car from the movie when my bud mentioned that he didn’t bring his cell phone because that he never does when he’s on a date… He treated Star Wars as well as the Leonids as date nights… Hmmm…  I was shocked to hear him first share that he considered tonight a date…  Next that he was worried all day long about our date tonight… Awe… That hopefully means he likes me and wants me to like him too!

 c) I learned that bringing a cell phone to a date is poor dating etiquette… I shouldn’t have told my date that he smelled like “gardenia” flowers as it was a cologne he was very proud of…  I should’ve just assumed that he wanted to date me as much as I wanted to ask him out on a date!

Lastly, here is the part that is grace as my perception since the night with the Leonids went sooo poorly in my mind…  I was hoping for more, but was convinced it wasn’t going anywhere as I thought he was happy with what we had, just sex…  I was sooo convinced that I had given up on the idea that anything would come of this… I almost ended up relapsing with some superficial schmuck… Thank goodness I didn’t follow through…

This could have been a remake of my date with Sean 1.5 years ago!  Where I got loaded the night before and destroyed any opportunity for something wonderful…  I came just that close last night and could’ve thrown everything away again… I couldn’t be more grateful, I have smart feet and didn’t allow my very very smart brain to try to take over and tell me what is best! 

Time for sleepy… I am incredibly grateful right now…

Q

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Sooo… It’s Saturday evening, November 21, 2009… I just got home from a voluntary additional work day…  I am laying on the cool tiled kitchen floor of my studio… I just cracked open a can of Fancy Feast “Turkey and Giblets Dinner” for my cat…  I am on my stomach with my right cheek hugging the cool tiled floor… I am about 3 inches from my cat watching him eat…  I’ve always been a nerd like that; intrigued by little idiosyncrasies like how cat’s eat… I watched as the mouth and tongue worked in tandem with each other to lap up the food and swallow it down… I never realized that cats don’t have molars; consequently, they don’t chew… They swallow…  I watched as he impatiently bit chunks of the pate meal in his bowl; clearly he wasn’t lapping up his food quickly enough…  If one didn’t know how well I feed this cat, you’d think he’d been starving for days!  LOL… If you take a look at him though, his low hanging belly shows how well fed this cat is…  He glanced over at me just a few time; his focus and attention was on the feast that sat before him…

As he filled his stomach to the point of satiation, leaving just a few morsels left for later to snack on, he turned towards me licking incessantly to the left and right of his face and whiskers to clean off the scraps that were stuck onto him…  He meowed a couple times… I hear his little purring engine rumble… I turn onto my stomach with my head propped up against the refrigerator door; the door is a very poor choice for a pillow…  He climbs on top of my belly and waits for me to pet him… He knows me too well, that I wouldn’t be able to resist stroking his soft thick coat of fur; that my will would buckle under his loving and inviting purrs and his little wimpering meows communicating to me how much he appreciates what I am doing for him… He doesn’t like looking at my in close proximity for any lengthy period of time…  As a matter of fact, most of the time, when he is sitting on my belly/chest while I pet him, he is turned away… I try to block his tails swaying back and forth… His fuzzy medium haired tail smacks my face as he continues to enjoy the long slow strokes up and down his back…

BK tells me when he is ready to be pet and when he is done… With a final couple purrs and a curt little meow, he jumps off me and with a very proud swagger, walks away from me… LOL… I can’t help but love my cat…

I had a little moment spending this time with my cat…  It started as my request for an additional Staff Member for work to support my program was challenged with a request for further justification as to why I needed another Staff… Goodness, the fact that I am working on Saturday and that it’s my 7th day in a row at work; doesn’t that say something about the amount of work this program calls for to be run successfully?  Sigh…  I drove home huffing and puffing with indignation and confusion as to why my request was turned down… Suffice it to say, I talked myself down from the angry emotional ledge…

Furthermore, halfway home, I found myself wondering why my mind is still at work when I am NOT AT WORK!!!  Yes, part of the reason why I am spending time at work is because I care about the work I do and the program I manage; furthermore, I do indeed enjoy the work I do!!!  I get paid to be of service and build amazing karma points!!!  The work I do enhances the quality of life for those touched by my teachings… I am very very humbled and honored to get to have the job I have…  I kept reminding myself that the other part of being a good Manager and a role model of an employee is to not bring work home with me; to remind myself that life is not about work, work, work… That “working” on taking care of myself is just as important as it will help me recuperate and rejuvenate for the new day that welcomes me at work…  I worked very hard constantly redirecting myself away from work each time my mind started weaving back to thinking about work…  I thought about going home to my cat and cleaning up my home some more and making a warm and loving home that is at least as inviting as coming home to a comfy hotel room…  I thought of being greeted by my cat… I thought of the wonderful meal I was gonna get to enjoy with friends tonight at a fancy restaurant in Downtown Los Angeles… I thought about the wonderful drive I was taking home in the crisp cool evening air outside of the car and how nice it felt on my legs as it was met with the constant warm breeze blowing from the car heater…  A PERFECT COMBINATION…

So, what does this have anything to do with the title of today’s blog?  Back to me laying on the kitchen floor as my cat walked away… I thought about what my cat needed for him to be happy…  I imagined myself in his thick coat of fluffy fur… BK needs the following to be happy:

- a home that is familiar enough for him to feel safe, but spacious enough for him to explore and quench is innate curiosity

- delicious and tasty food that fills his belly

- someone (in my cat’s case, anyone) that is very loving and provides him with lots of attention and care and appreciation… verbally, physically and emotionally

- plenty of opportunities to play and explore the the world he lives in no matter how small it is… He manages to find new ways to appreciate and play with in the mundane and familiar home he’s lived in for the past 6 months

- and of course sleepy time… For him to sleep so soundly, he must have deep serenity (soundness of mind)…

My cat teaches me the lesson of wanting the things I have and appreciating those things that I own today; rather than taking them for granted and continuing to yearn and want more and more and sit on the perch of entitlement…  When I look at a glass half filled with water… Do I see it as:

- Half empty

- Half full of water

- Half full of sustaining water and half full of life giving air

Depending on how I see things is directly proportional to my level of happiness…  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh… It’s nice to find a moment in my incredibly rich and busy life to pause and do what I’ve loved for sooo long, blog in this journal… For 9 years now, I have maintained this blog… With a busier life and my sister introducing me to facebook matched with the convenience of accessing facebook and status updates on my blackberry, I have become more and more removed from blogging… It’s not that I don’t have time to sit down and blog eventhough I know there is a degree of truth to how much more busy my life has become; rather, the priorities have finally changed…

Those very dreams that I had of living a life rich enough that I wouldn’t have time to document it on a daily basis is here… My life is filled with miracles happening constantly and I have chosen to say yes to almost every moment I have been dealt and blessed with…  The desire to travel more often on the job is now coming true as my job is allowing me to do more and more traveling and mixing up the bag of routine of being stuck in the office all the time… Getting to live up my name as “To Unify and oversee a country” by teaching people counseling skills in communicating with others in a non-judgemental, culturally sensitive way and providing health education and harm reduction approaches via motivational interviewing techniques and application of transtheoretical models of behavior change does indeed allow me to help make this world a better place one training at a time… I am in a place where I stand more proud and comfortable than ever as a healthy, HIV positive, Gay, Asian-American, sober man who has sooo much to contribute to the world is by this very statement a miracle in the making…

These are but a few thoughts that freely flow out of me as I sit here momentarily in pause of the pursuit of happiness to acknowledge how truly blessed and happy I am…  I wish you all the continued opportunity to explore and navigate life and grow with each passing day…  I wish you all happy thanksgivings and hope that you have many thanks for the blessings we have in life…

Many thanksgivings for my blessed life,

Quoc Lam

quoclam@gmail.com

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Today is yet another sad day as 53% of State of Maine voted to RAPE the CIVIL RIGHTS from recognition of same sex marriage and all rights there in.  This is after Legislatures AND the Governor of Maine signed into law the fundamental right for someone like myself to be able to marry the person I love (which would so happen to be a man!) and be able to provide for and receive health benefits and SIMPLE benefits like… say, if I got hospitalized, my partner would NOT be recognized as a “member of the family” and wouldn’t be able to make decisions on my behalf if I were unable to!

It’s just tragic that over a couple hundred years ago, even one of our Founding Fathers of this nation, Thomas Jefferson stated:

“All too, will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will to be rightful must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal law must protect, and to violate would be oppression.”

Funny how the ideas of those who drafted these very constitutional rights knew what Civil Rights CANNOT be impinged upon…  Today, the nation spoke loud and it screams that we are condoning hate, bigotry, and free will to violenty rape and strip certain people of civil rights.

… Today is yet another sad day…  In this given moment, I am sure our loving God is ashamed of those who claim to speak out on his behalf to practice oppression!!!

These are not personal liberties.  These are human rights!!!

Proud Gay Man who will continue to fight against H8,

Quoc

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Hey folks… I have been grappling with what to do with this website as I am not sure it continues to serve the purpose I had in mind for it since it’s accidental inception when my friend Brad so generously bought this domain as a birthday gift for me about a decade ago!  I can’t believe that about 1/3 of my life has been shared with you folks!  That is a whole lot of good, bad and uglies in the multitude of blog entries I have made…

So, I continue to pray and see if this is still a good venue to share on as I become more and more satiated by Facebook in helping me stay in touch and keep up with my friends… Most of my friends are on facebook and even some that I hadn’t anticipated meeting…

With that being said, tonight I received a HUGE heaping of spiritual goodness with my kindred spirits…  Here are a few of the learning lessons I heard tonight that really resonated with me:

1) MY INFANTILE EGO TELLS YOU TO TREAT ME SPECIAL SO I MAY FEEL NORMAL!

2) MY SEX LIFE AS OF LATE HAS MORE OR LESS DRIED UP… I HAVE BEEN HAVING SEX WITH 1 PERSON FOR QUITE AWHILE NOW… I AM MORE THAN SATIATED BY BEING WITH THIS ONE PERSON… WHAT I DO WANT IT TO DO IT MORE OFTEN WITH HIM… SO, A QUOTE I HEARD LATELY REALLY MADE ME LAUGH… PERHAPS THE REASON WHY MY WELL HAS BEEN DRY IN THIS DEPARTMET LATELY IS BECAUSE IN MY PAST LIFE, I COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY USED UP MY SEX RATIONS… I’ve taken all the booty in the past years than rationed out for me and both my neighbors in the next lifetime!    So, perhaps this is a time for me to get introspective and figure out what’s up…

3) SOMEONE SHARED THAT THEY WERE WILLING TO JUMP IN FRONT OF A TRAIN TO SAVE ANOTHER PERSON, BUT NOT WILLING TO DO THE SAME FOR THEMSELVES…  I was able to relate to that sooo much as I do have tendencies of self-sabotage!!!  That as someone with a spiritual malady with symptoms that manifests itself by hurting myself with my wounds rather than nurturing and mending the wound…

These are but some of the powerful messages I have heard lately… I have had a world of living and experiencing and growing and contributing in my life… In this given moment, I identify with the self that is abundantly blessed on sooo many different levels… I have all my spiritual needs met and thankful to resist from acting on having all my physical wants met.  I have been able to incorporate the spiritual tools set at my feet in combatting life as someone who experiences a malady of a three fold nature:

1) Spiritual = NO GOD which leaves a gaping void in my gut that creates the

2) Mental Obsession to fill with drugs/alcohol/sex/food in excess and by acting on this mental obsession it creates a

3) Physical Allergy that manifests itself not by rashes or hives, but in irresistable craving to continue acting on that unhealthy behavior that will only lead me to jails, institutions and very realistically death…

I couldn’t be more grateful to be surrounded and immersed in a culture in a time when both my “willingness” to do the work matched with “clarity” as to why I am doing th work is bringing about such HUGE blessings and awesome spiritual awakenings that is leading me to discover and recover a person within myself that I never thought possible… One who is able to be self-supporting emotionally and not need as much outside validation as well as a spirit of continued altruistic actions…

I am so blessed!!!  I hope you are just around me to get to experience life as I am living it right now… Words no longer serve that purpose… It’s more in the action and living life that I find myself of maximum service to those around me…

What do you think I should do with this website?  Think it’s time to retire www.quoclam.com?

I welcome your feedback as I continue to contemplate and pray about this….

Always in service,

Quoc